Three weeks ago I moved in with my parents and had intentions of getting sober and clean. It worked out fine for the first week. They left for Cleveland for 4 days the following weekend. I'm told we get sober when we hit our bottom. I won't pretend to claim a bottom anymore. It can always get worse, as my sponsor says. This is true, but being 26 (27 in a couple months) I just wonder how much of it is just laziness or character defect. Sponsor has been telling me for about 9-10months that I have a lot of drinking in me and at time I think "no friggin way brother, its rough" and then I drink, so he's been right so far. I don't know what to do. Since I been at my parents' house I have been drinkin here and there, nothing like before. But, Im sneaking in pints and I have a bookbag full of empties i gotta get rid of. My sponsor said I would rip my parents off for money, drugs, alcohol, etc...This has come true as well, but I don't know what to do. Should I just drink/use until I have another strong mood to quit or just quit knowing I have possibly years left in me (reservations suck). I don't really see any other choices...It's like I have crap A and crap B to choose from. Yeah, I know poor me right? It is a trap either way. That is how it seems anyway. I DON'T want to be in the same position 5 years from now. Sure, quit drinking would be a smart move. But when that is all gone, I still dont function right. It is just a matter of time before I crave alcohol again. I dunno, just feel like I can't choose my future...It's already in cement. The only way to oppose that is through sheer reversal of natural causes or something...I'm seriously tired of this deficiency I feel and this fear.
The BB has been great but ya know what? I'm tired of the same old story: a banker, a salesman, a soldier, a (fill in the blank) that has a family and a kid and somehow manages his drinking for some 15-20+ years and then has to deal with his problem. If only we were all so lucky right? Good god, if I could have a college education, a wife, a child and a good job and STILL be an "alcoholic". Sorry, can't find one ounce of similarity with those stories and mine except for the "jitters", or whatever. I know I'm not alone on this. I have "accomplished" nil since high school alone from being the "guy" to go to for drugs in this college town. Guess I'm havin a hard time with the issue about becoming sober at 27 and then accomplishing a baseline of "success". I have two years left in my undergraduate degree in English (ya i know, not worth the paper). Assuming I quit drinking and drugging tonight, I will be 31-32 before I get a degree. That is assuming I don't drink or use, which is close to nil. Pity I know, but given our diagnoses, what the hell should I expect? It's not enough to do the work in AA. You have to have a deep deep deep desire to not drink. Then and only then will it work. I know the crap about finding th similarities not the differences...it matters when you're in that class of alcoholic where hardly anyone surfaces sober after a year or so. "Young" alcoholics have, what, 1-20 chance in the first year of staying sober? I am either going to be one of those freakishly lucky alcoholics in there mid/upper 20's who get and stay sober, or I won't. It's like- pick 1-3 years of hell or 5-30 years of hell. Odds are one of those will be true! Oh, that's right, unless I choose otherwise. LOL. Self-knowledge has availed me lots.
So, where is God when one fervently asks for the removal of obsession and guidance to help others for 4 months? "He" is there as long as you want to stay sober, which is a friggin paradigm because it says in the BB many places we have no defense against that first drink and that it is foolish for a "recovered alcoholic" to say he has no desire to drink and that it doesnt bother him when (according to the BB) he is only whistling in the dark to keep his spirits up.
Only when you are at your very desperate state will you receive help? Well, that's great, just when youve lost everything is "he/she" there. Good timing. I've seen my older brother not recover, and a friend. I'm not a new face to alcoholic/drug abuse/overdose. Is there nothing I can do but pray and hope and go to meetings? The answer I suppose is "no". That is what really gets me. This sense of inevitability. Like it's [getting drunk] going to happen regardless of what you say you're going to do unless you have a spiritual experience. I'm just ravin tonight, sorry just am not feeling it this month.
Where is God? Dodsworth, have you moved towards Him, or are you waiting around for the doorbell to ring? My Spriritual Experience BEGAN the moment i realized that that God says "Knock and it shall be opened" not "I knock and you open the door" ... i had to hit my knees, get right with God, get to church, pray and meditate ... that's what worked for me.
Stop looking for the burning bush ... i stopped pitying myself and HUMBLED myself before God and made him a CONSTANT, DAILY presence in my life. Then, and only THEN, did my Spiritual Experience begin.
Dods, I can identify with some of what you are saying. Even at 36 now 37, I looked around the rooms and saw mostly people older than myself in meetings. Fortunately, I didn't care because I wanted to be where they were and also have seen my share of 50 to 60 year olds drunk and begging for money on the street and I figured I would rather be sitting in an AA room at that age rather than where I was headed. More than a desire to stop drinking motivated me into AA. I guess at the time that is what got me to go, but I really wanted to change and not be the scared little boy that couldn't take care of himself and drank all those fears away. I embarked on this at 36 and was definitely not ready for it at 26. Regardless, the progression of your alcoholism has just hit at an earlier age than some. To many of us, that would seem a gift because it could spare you from years of misery that we went through...but I can see it from your point of view also. I do have about 4 friends in AA that have just gone over a year that are all under 30. 2 of them actually had heroin as their drug of choice, but chose to attend AA instead of NA. They are inspirational to me and the 2 youngest ones do have the story of having to drop out of college, go to rehab, move away from home, and pick up the pieces. I would not listen to a sponsor that no longer believes in me. I would not heed suggestions from someone predicting I would remain full of crap. If he thinks those things about you, there is no use to him being your sponsor. If you want to see the other side of the fence and really feel how hard it is to "get sober" with a mortgage, kids, a wife...hey, that's fine, but my feeling is that it's no better in any way than the position you are now in. Furthermore, there are stories of young people recovering in the back of the big book. The story "Window of Opportunity" on page 421 is about a person who got sober after having to break from college and then return. On page 486 the story "On the move" starts with "I thought my life had come to an end when I arrived at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at 28 years old." The only difference here is how much you choose to identify and how much you want the recovery part of their story to be yours. It doesn't matter that you aren't new to AA. The past is the past and you are right about the burning desire to be sober being the one thing that works. You might have it though and you are shooting yourself in the foot. You sound pretty damned tired of the life you've been living, so if you equate the desire to change it into knowing that this will only happen if you stay sober, then the desire is there for you. Get a new sponsor and start fresh. Of all the young people I have seen try to get sober over this year in AA (meaning that he has gone to many meetings, gotten a sponsor..etc), the only one that has not made it to their first year is a person that their mother constantly takes him back after every episode, every relapse, and thinks she can love the addiction out of him. Now he is going to jail next month at 25 years old and still seems to think it's not his fault really. The other ones are enrolled back in college, working, happy...Their lives aren't perfect, but they are much better than they were. They also stick together, as there aren't that many young people like them. So...I think finding other young sober people would help you a lot...They tried to help the one I spoke of earlier but...but he wound up taking advantage of them...relapsing...and going back to his mother.
Also Dod, I think I might be seeing a lot of youthful recovery down here because this part of Florida has one of the highest concentrations of rehabs and half-way houses. All of the young people I mentioned with over a year sober now did go to rehab and chose to stay in florida afterwards rather than going back to their home towns...The one that goes back to his mother...I believe she moved down here to be with him.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 10th of September 2009 08:55:28 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I went to AA years ago, I think I was about 26, went to two meetings, read the big book and decided I could do it alone. I couldn't. Alcohol held me back tremendously and filled me with incredible anxiety. Two months ago at 44 I surrendered. I know I could not have started this without loads and loads of meetings. When I started this journey I thought I had about another twenty years drinking left, now I think I would not have made it intact until next year, I had the habit of falling down and hitting my head really hard a lot. Its the same disease with thousands of different individualised consequences for all of us. I can identify with your story and just keep coming back.
Maybe you're coasting at the moment, dear friend. Maybe when your folks get fed up with your antics & throw you out, maybe that will provide the hurt & desperation you're longing for. The hurt that will make it easier to stop I hear you saying. My bottom was enough for me at 29. It was enough because I said so. Because I didn't want my life to continue dragging on as it had done for so long.
I hadn't lost everything but neither had I gained alot through my drinking career. I decided that 15 years of drinking was enough for me & there is no guarantee that I would live a long enough life to get sober later. I thought at 29 even if I get sober now I could still be dead in 10 years but given that I had already spent half my life going from one drunk to the next I wanted to stay in with a chance to see what else life has to offer.
I hear alot of ingratitude in your share, Adam. Not a criticism as we only have today & this is how you feel today. You are in a fantastic position to have such a great quality of life. So many of us in the grip of this fatal obsession & stinking-thinking die even accidently before our time. Sometimes it has been the thought that even if I could drink for another ten years physically I could fall over & die in an instant banging my head or throwing up & choking on my sick in my sleep. I do have a grateful desire not to drink & to live & to be all that is meant for me however that is.
Stay curious, Adam. You feel this way today but it may be different tomorrow. Have another look at how your life has been & how it is now & look at how different you would like it to be. Keep on looking up. 27 like any, is a brilliant age to get sober. I'm 32 & will have 3yrs sobriety 1st of October. To have a degree & 5yrs sobriety at 32 for you.. What an inspiration. It's yours for the taking. Like you say, it is a matter of wanting it & for me sometimes it has been my gratitude or lack thereof that makes a difference.
I also did it because I wanted to have something to give away. I worked this program so that I could be in a position to help others but of course I had to be true to me first so I could have something to give. There are so many great reasons to stay sober. Keep getting to your meetings. It doesn't have to be any worse. Those magice words helped me to stay sober too. Don't give up. You are worth it. The Steps are here to help us, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Here are answers to the question of how a person can live without liquor and be happy: "The things we put in place of drinking are more than substitutes for it. One is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. In this company, you find release from care, boredom, and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Among other A.A.s you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties." Does life mean something to me now?
Meditation for the Day
Do you want the full and complete satisfaction that you find in serving God and all the satisfactions of the world also? It is not easy to serve both God and the world. It is difficult to claim the rewards of both. If you work for God, you will still have great rewards in the world. But you must be prepared to sometimes stand apart from the world. You cannot always turn to the world and expect all the rewards which life has to offer. If you are trying sincerely to serve God, you will have other and greater rewards than the world as to offer.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may not expect too much from the world. I pray that I may also be content with the rewards that come from serving God.
-- Edited by turninggrey on Thursday 10th of September 2009 07:46:37 PM
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Well Dodds, you could always send your parents phone number to me so I could call them and tell them how their enabling is killing you so they'll throw you out. . Just kidding. I'd suggest that you go into treatment, followed by living in a halfway house for a year then share a house with some sober people for another year or two.
Our drinking is usually from unresolved childhood issues, so going back to living with parents is generally going to exaccerbate them making it very difficult to get sober, like trying to heal a burn wound while living in a steam room. John Bradshaw wrote - "alcoholism is a man who is on fire that runs into the sea and drowns". I tried living with my mother again at age 21-22 and never felt worse.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 10th of September 2009 07:36:58 PM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 11th of September 2009 04:56:55 AM
Dods, I am not sure but your post has a feel of defeat and self worthlessness. You claim you have accomplished nil since high school. Do you realize what an accomplishment quitting booze is? It is a doctorate in life studies. The person who beats booze can serve in any number of positions in society and still be a winner because they are not trying to win. You indicate you are known in the town as the "go to" guy for drugs. How about moving and getting a fresh start? What do you love to do? How about making that your carreer as opposed to trying to finish a degree in English? Start hanging around with people that are positive instead of people that want you to get them drugs. Do not give up on God (HP) He will not give up on you. Prayers, Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thanks for your post. I never thought anyone would ever tell my story. I was 24 living at home after some spells out on my own. Managed to clean up my act a little, but the outbreaks where still bad. Stole money, booze, pawned some stuff that wasn't mine and some stuff that was. Friends where getting careers, married and material stuff and I'm still just a loser- bum looking for the next buzz, relationships might last a few weeks until they found me out. I had a college degree but that just made the resentment worse.
Couldn't imagine life with Alcohol or without it. Stumbled in and out of the rooms for a few months, the obsession is strong, the fear of life without drink even stronger.
They tell me I must get 100% honest (at least with myself), don't drink for one day (any a-hole can do that). They tell me a deep deep desire is not enough for I have no power, so I must find a power greater than me, abandoning myself to God, clear away the wreckage of the past, then give freely of what you find here.
I gain more friends than I could ever imagine (I am now capable of being a friend), I learn to cope and deal with life on life's terms and manage my anger fear and resentments, I figure I'm not a stat, but a mutually excusive human being, I believe the miracles I see not the stats people tell me. The obsession is lifted.
I'm 49 now and will celebrate 25 years without drink or drug, still greatful everyday for the great life I have been given, and for all the help I recieved.
Going back to Ohio soon for the reunion of a primarily "young peoples meeting" from my early recovery days (thank God for Facebook). All in our 40's and early 50's now many with 20 to 30 years of recovery. I can't be told it doesn't work.
I hope you can find some "Hope" here, don't know what else I can say, we all see lives changing everyday, just need to not drink and "give time time".
Feel free to PM me if you like.
Take Care
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
. Just kidding. I'd suggest that you go into treatment, followed by living in a halfway house for a year then share a house with some sober people for another year or two.