I miss my 730am homegroup in North Carolina... The only requirement to join is "a desire to stop drinking">... I knew I was an alcoholic at age 13-14.. I stopped drinking for 1 yr to "prove to myself that I could stop".. Well, I'm now 36 yr old. I had a productive couple years of sobriety and then relapsed. Stupidly, I moved to Las Vegas with a wonderful fellow also in recovery from cocaine addiction. We both gradually relapsed. As of these last 4-5 months, I've got myself together, moved from Las Vegas and got a good job in Maryland... but my co-dependency issues have really pushed me over the top-of-the-glass. My crack-addict fiance has disappeared into the ether, and being worried about HIM, I've put my worries back into the bottle. I think I've found what looks to be a good homegroup in Bethesda, but because I've become reclusive and self-induced isolated I'm afraid to leave the apartment after work to go see the Group.
I sit in my apt after work and drink until it's time for bed. I'm afraid to begin again. Right now, red wine is the only "company" I have in my life. I'm angry at myself for isolating. It's my nature. I just want to stop drinking, but I'm afraid to leave the house and go to group. Crazy-making. Irrational. And yet, I'm paralyzed.
I would accept/love feedback and encouragement. I know what is going to come next: humilating situations, shameful experiences, apologies, and stupid behavior at bars when I've had 3 bottles of red wine and ran outta cigarettes and decide to stop at a bar for a night-cap. I've ruined so many people's lives with my behavior. I'm ashamed to look at myself,, both figuratively and literally, in the mirror. The physical signs are showing: blood vessels in the face, bloodshot eyes, facial bloating, weight gain, and the 2am paranoia and anxiety when the alcohol wears-off and the sugars kick-in. I'm so ashamed.
Advice and reality check are welcomed... Thank you...
-- Edited by suchAdrinker on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 06:34:21 PM
Just a thought, do you know anyone that you can talk to, a friend from work that you could confide in, or maybe a phone number from a meeting that you have attented there, if you have attended any. You could call the AA number in your Phone Book, especially an Alano Club if they have one there, and just see if you can find someone to start you out, by coming to your apt/house, and asking them to go with you. Just one person out of all of the above, hopefully you can just pick up that phone, preferrable before you are drunk, and ask for some assistance in getting to that first meeting.
The first step in getting help is asking for help. We are all here for you, that is a given, but you really are reaching out to see how to get out of your apt. right.
So those were a couple of ideas.
Are you still with the drug addict boyfriend, even though he is currently not around?? Maybe you really need to look at that. I personally could never get any sobriety if living with someone that was there, but NOT There, with his drugs.
Hope you find a way out of feeling paralyzed. And you said that you go home and after work, how about going to a meeting BEFORE YOU GO HOME. Hundreds of meetings are designed for the working folks, I did that for many many years, and it took the place of going home after work, and drinking.
Stay here and let us know how things are going, I sure hope you do.
A bug warm hug to you dear. You did find just the right place for a lot of folks here have been were you are, and have found a way out.
You take care of you, ok? Toni
PS, I came back to say that I reread your Post, and you mentioned Bethesda, I would bet they do have an Alano Club, and in the many I have been to, there is always someone friendly on the other end, and if you ask for someone to come over and get you to a meeting, 9 times out of 10 there will be someone, perferable a woman, but either way, they would come over and take you, but I have to reinterate, I personally feel you might get a lot more out of any meeting, if you have not had a whole bunch to drink. Hope you get that ride, or that person that will hear you call for HELP. toodles, again, Toni
-- Edited by Just Toni on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 08:12:13 PM
Hello and welcome to the board. I used to live in the DC area, in fact I got sober there at the Unity Club in Falls Church. I'll be in Bethesda in 2 weeks at NIH having some test done on my liver. God gave me a little insurance policy when I found out about my hep c at one year sober. The doctors at NIH said that if I start drinking and smoking again my liver disease will kill me. So at about 20 years later both my diseases are in remission.
S-a-d, Please pick up the phone and call the local AA intergroup. Recovering alcoholics work the phones and will help you anyway they can including picking you up and taking you to some meetings. You can do it, we all have been where you're at. It's not that hard to get going and you'll feel extremely relieved when you do.
Aloha Drinker...I nod to the similarities. You're doing some stuff right and hows about this suggestion...check the web for "panic attacks" and see if it fits you. It's fixable probably if'n it isn't alcohol related paranoia. Could be? I listen to relapsers on this end and the alcohol affect really accelerates after a period of solid sobriety. Like you have already been told...You are not alone by a long shot and there are members near you who are increasing their hold on their own sobriety by doing service to others. I suggest you take advantage of it and you can even tell them your story while they are helping you.
Isolation for me was almost fatal. I relate to the paralysis idea also and then that was only temporary also. Make a run at a meeting in spite of your fear. Go afraid...tell the fellowship there that you are afraid...do the meeting on fear.
Welcom to MIP...I'm glad your here. As Jerry said, isolation can be a killer. For me, the co-dependancy was almost as fatal as the resentments and isolation. I had to learn that asking others for help doesn't have to mean I'm falling back into my co-depandant ways. As in most all other aspects of my recovery, it's one area where I needed to find balance. I found if I work into my 12 step program, I can become more of a balanced person in life. I urge you to ask for that help. When you do so, not only will you be helping yourself stay sober, but you will be helping others to do so as well. You will be giving another recovering alcoholic the chance to do some service work, and most that I know jump at that opprotunity. I can relate to your story, having done the "quit to prove to myself" thing, but it never worked. The only thing it really proved to me was that I was an alcoholic, and my life was way out of controll. There's a fellow in my home group who sufferd from panic attacks, and could hardly leave the house. He just celebrated 1 year, and the changes in him are miraculous. Remember to take small steps, and also remember it's about the journey, not the destination. Maybe that's why this board is called Miricales in Progress, not Miricales in perfection.
Keep hanging around, and help us all stay sober one day at a time
Try and stay positive and things will get better. Have you gone to any local groups in Vegas? I imagine that would be a tough city for anyone with an alcohol problem to live in. I am sure things will get better for you.
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Welcome to MIP, SaD. Your talk of home groups is promising & I hope your presence here is a good sign for your willingness to nestle in with fellowship. We do this together & of course by following as is suggested, steps, sponsorship, meetings, literature & all that good stuff in doing whatever it takes to get well & allow a quality of life to come into our worlds. It sounds like you have some big things going on for you there but little by little your circumstances can improve with your determination. You have my love & support for the best in your recovery. Keep coming back :) Danielle x
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