OK, everyone here knows that I've been struggling. I'm reading all the sites, going to meetings and trying 1 day at a time...I have always had goals for my work, my financial situation, and so forth... My relationship, on the other hand is completely out of control... Put my sobriety 1st, is an ok option, maybe the only option. The truth is, I don't know if this is where I want to be. Sober and alone, or drunk and "happy," although I know it's not true happiness..
I've had alot of changes over the past few months, and my wife is surprisingly supportive (WTF?) I'm just trying to "get in where I fit in." HOw do I decinde where I truely belong? It may be an easy question, but it's where I'm stuck...
Your post reminded me of something I said, when I was in my homegroup a few years ago, I sort of blurted out that I did not think I would be returning to my homegroup meetings, and the reason was that i no longer felt that i fit in to the group, well EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE ROOM, and there were about 20 of us on that Sunday morning, they shared each and every one. that one of the reasons they were there, WAS because they never feel like they belong, there, it appears to me that most alcoholics can have this as a character defect of sorts.
Think about it, is that not why we drank in the first place, to just fit in?? I know I sure did. I personally use Prayer when I feel any mood like that coming on, and it will change it, also reaching out to another, that is a way to get ourselves out of ourselves. I would apply a lot of Prayer to your Higher Power, and ask for HELP from HIM. I dont know if you have tried that first, but it does help, and it will take away that feeling of aloneness.
Personally I will take peace of mind any day over happiness, that is fleeting, but a soft peaceful place with our HP, that has more appeal to this alcoholic.
Mark, this first year has been a struggle for me and I am sure it is a struggle for everyone. The changes in your moods, thoughts, what you think you want, and what you like shift radically. There is a thought that creeps in for me every now and then "I was happier when I was drinking." But that is total bullcrap and I know it. I was miserable when I was drinking. Sure, I had fun times, but for the last couple of years, it was straight up misery and the fact that it got to that point has me knowing it will only get worse if I pick up again. I will never get to have that "fun drinking" experience that I once did. On the other hand, I cashed it in for a life in which I have choices now. Before, I did not have any other choice than to be ruled by alcohol and fear of change. Hence, you are getting sober now, getting stronger, and it is super scary because thoughts creep into your head about whether you really need the relationship you are in, whether you can stay in it as you change, and are you changing into a person that is incompatible with your wife because, for so long things were one way and now they are another way? It's overwhelming and when these thoughts hit you, my suggestion is revert back to just a day at a time, pray, and more will be revealed. When you first came here you equated not being with your wife with death...literally. Now you seem to be just finding out some scary things about who you are and what you want. It is all going to be okay no matter what. You can get through anything without drinking and you will be stronger for it. Just stay clutched to that AA seat and try not to be afraid of the changes. Easier said than done, but what you are becoming is a miracle. The support you are getting from your wife likely means she is seeing it too. This must all seem very strange, scary, and new. But what happens in AA is so much more than stopping drinking. It is change inside and out. These thoughts and feelings, and the fact that you are sharing them shows your program is working. Don't abandon ship now. PLEASE! Remember the last few drunks you had Mark. You did have the "incomprehensible demoralization" that is discussed in the literature. You truly have crawled out of that place to a large degree and the time and effort you put into AA will pay dividends. Have faith. Time takes time. I wanted to be all better very fast. I wanted to not have the fears I did and I still struggle with this. Only now do I even have an inkling of understanding that my recovery is slow and ongoing and things don't work out in my time, but my HP's. One day, if you stay the course, you will wake up and just be like "Hmm...I don't really have that problem as bad anymore." What it really is, is that you have all the same things in life to deal with, you just get better at handling them through staying sober and working AA. Anyhow, enough from me. I hope I'm not making assumptions or taking your inventory here. I just really feel for what I might "think" you are going through and want to let you know I identify and understand elements of it. Thanks for sharing Mark and I do fully have faith in you, even if you are questioning yourself.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Sounds like things are going great but you're stuck in being sick. I also use to think my life was supposed to be screwed even while it was changing for the better. Like Dean suggest?...stop thinking!! Don't drink and don't think. Just sit and listen with an open mind. Don't trust your own thinking.
Mark, It's hard from your post to determine where you at? Are things going well? What's your program look like. Your wife is probably supportive because she see's change....... For me; my diesase continually told me for the first year that I didn't fit in and should just resort to drinking. It's the little guy on my shoulder. I listened to people who told me it's just your diesase talking to you... the diesase that tells us we don't have one. I believed them and thank god I did.
It took me 9 months to feel as though I fit in AA. That's after 3 years of in and out of AA and still drinking. By following the winners and working a regimented program.. no matter what.. I've discovered I now have a life and love AA. I participate in AA whenever I get a chance.. in addition to my regular program. Even now, I'm at work but love the ES&H on this site. So I come here on a daily basis.
What worked for me during these time was: work my program, ask for help and let god work out the details.
I could not stop thinking either and still can't really. I recall having the exact same reaction when people told me to keep it simple. It was easier said than done. All I can suggest Mark is shift the thoughts to more positive ones...even if you have to chant "It will be okay" over and over again. Watch stupid TV and literally force yourself to pay attention to that...anything other than sitting in your thoughts. Of course the best would be to call friends in AA because they understand this. It is all part of getting comfortable in your own skin. I literally would scream at myself to "stop thinking!" and I still do a lot. I just found that my constant thinking slowly became less catastrophic and now I think some positive things too. Think about other people besides you, your wife, and your kids...anything. That's all I can say about what worked and still works for me. I still think way too much. It's uncomfortable and I hate it. But it's not as bad as it was...not nearly as bad.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I know it sounds wierd to some, but I got help from a physician (psychiatrist) and got some counselling. Some of us need more "help" than others. I don't regret any of it.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
