What Do You Do With Your Old Friends?

lukin · Veteran Member

What Do You Do With Your Old Friends?

Dave Harm · Senior Member

A lot of my former friends wanted me to drink so bad because if I did, then they wouldn't have to look at their own behaviors.

The choice came down to partying friends or sobriety. I chose sobriety, because outside of drinking together I really had nothing in common with these "friends."

joelo · Senior Member

It's NOT you, it's her. You, by your courage, have ruined drinking for her ... FOREVER. When she gets drunk, when she acts out in her depraved ways ... she is forced now to compare herself to those who have taken the steps towards bettering themselves.

Tearing you down is her way of making herself feel better about her life. If you fail, then she is justified.

Written off? Only YOU can say, but i'd CERTAINLY keep my distance ... she's still sick and take the program's advice: when you talk to her, talk only about YOUR drinking and how YOU couldn't take it anymore. Don't moralize and judge, therefore giving her no ill feelings to brood over.

God bless, and know yer in my prayers!

joelo

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

I would agree with the others, this had nothing to do with you. I think you took appropriate action to care for yourself. Her thinking and actions are her problem, not yours. Sounds like she's resentful at you, could be for a number of different reasons. They all appear to be fear based on her part.
When something jeopardizes my sobriety or my spiritual condition, they/it must go...
Keep up the good work, sounds like your doing great!

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi There Deirdre,

And welcome to MIP.

Very Loving Detachment. I had friend actually try to trick me into getting into a relapse, with bringing over an after dinner cake that had 80% brandy in it. Good ole Trader Joes sells them, and a lot of other Liquor based foods.

I did not eat a piece, and her young daughter actually was the one that yelled at her mom, when I was cutting this cake, "Mom, you know that cake is made with a lot of Brandy" She had actually planned this. I did not get mad, I just considered the source, and she was one person that I had to lovingly detach from for many years, then when I was stronger in my own Recovery, I did take the time, over and over and over again, to visit briefly with her, invite her to a meeting with me, and tell her how good it felt to not drink anymore. I always felt she was sort of different, for we had met in AA, and she was familiar with the Program. This went on til the day she died, bleeding out of every oriface, one of her arterities had ruptured, and she could not have surgery to repair it, for she did not have a functioning Liver.

Just remember your friend is a sick alcoholic. We would not get angry at a person that had cancer, that was hurting, right.

Good to see you here Posting, hope to see more of you dear.
Toni

progress · Member

One of the harshest lessons in recovery for me was the reallity that some of my "friends" did not really want me to get well. What i believe happens is is that everyone has some kind of addiction or character defect that is lessoned in comparison to our own "problem". I agree with the other posts that state that now they seemingly are left with the spotlight on them and they will do or say all kinds of hurtful things to us to regain their comfort zone. I'm always asking myself am i doing what i want to do or am i doing what i need to be doing, I want everyone to like me but i always find out that me trying to please others always winds up with me not pleasing anyone-especially myself. Reallity is that some friends,jobs and routines need to go and change is dificult for alcoholics such as myself. Good luck, It sounds as though your on the right track. Talk with your Sponser about this also.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Lurkin' and welcome to the board.

It's very typical for close friends and family to be in denial about your drinking (alcoholism). For a close drinking friend, your journey into sobriety is like the death of your friendship. Drinking buddies relationships flourish while they are drinking. Remove that and the friendship is gone. She probably doesn't know it but she's trying desperately to sabotage your sobriety for selfish reasons and she' probably ill enough to believe her own bs that she made up about your drinking (denial about her lies and your drinking).
Yes you should let this friend go for awhile. She'll get over it and find another drinking buddy soon. Maybe some day, when she's had enough, she'll look you up for help with her drinking. Hang in there, you'll have to step over a lot bodies to go long term in your sobriety. It ain't pretty sometimes but the life that you'll get to live is unbelievably good!

Dean

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Deirdre. It sounds to me like you're taking your recovery seriously & realising how you want to change & let go of an old situation that has been causing you harm for some time. This seems to be pretty life-changing for your friend also &, after being helpful at first, her own selfish need to continue & justify in what she is doing is getting in the way of how she could be a friend & continue in understanding & support for you. It also sounds like she made some decisions on how to react to you after having taken a drink so her thinking is all over the show.

But, of course, it is best if this is not about her but about you & what you feel you're able to accept or let go of in the name of sobriety today. I have to take special care of my sobriety & serenity & I have made sacrifices in regards to playmates & playpens. I see this as an important part of growing up & moving on for me too. If someone wants to continue in their friendship for me I will see it in their attitude & actions. If someone is going to continue in not respecting my wishes or reasonable requests then it is up to me to decide what I am sharing with that person or if I need to begin in distancing myself too.

I have always let the person know that they matter to me & that if things were different they would be different but for me a friendship is a two way street & I hope that we could continue to grow together or at least keep a mutual respect. This situation is up to you what you want to do with it but frequent chat with a sponsor who is getting to know you well will help you make good decisions for yourself & your ongoing recovery. Well done in keeping a level head about this & reaching out here. Recovery isn't easy but the rewards are so worth it :) Keep coming back, Danielle x

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Lukin...

I got sober away from my old drinking buddies and when I came home to visit
family and make some necessary amends and they heard I was here it was
like a gathering...Those who arrived early got there just a the end of my orange
soda and those who got there alittle later got there just as the early ones were
storming off pissed. I did what I had to do and didn't drink. They were partly
pissed because they thought that we would all do what we used to do together
and were wrong. Their anger didn't get to me and I didn't feel pressure to either
drink or change them. They had the opportunity to drink themselves and chose
to go off in a huff. I had already learned to "love anyway", "let go" and "detach"
from people, places and things I use to let own me or hold me captive for periods
of time so as they stormed off I "let them go", "loved them anyway" and "detached" without even
wanting another orange soda. One drinker stayed and continued to drink and
talk with me and he was my cousin, my alcoholism sponsor, who mentored my
drinking and brought me along, tried AA which didn't "work for him" and supported
my membership in the fellowship and my soberness. I visited his house to make
an amends and got one back. HP at work.

I was taught that allowing myself to get caught up in the personalities of this
disease was dangerous. I can let people get pissed or self righteous or what
ever.   I don't allow my self to be a part of it. I don't defend my sobriety either
especially with ex-drinking friends. I don't like change especially if its just
sprung on me so I allow others to not like it either. I'm still not going to drink
over it. I can't make hard for myself what is easy to do and am not willing to
complicate the simple stuff.   Love her anyway, keep smiling, continue with
the next step and next day.     aaaaaand Keep coming back. smile

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

A true friend who witnessed your lowest point ever in life that drove you into the rooms of AA would not invite you newly sober to a party where everyone would be getting wasted. She would have told you ahead of time and given you the choice to either be there or not. It may not even be totally about her alcoholism (though that probably plays a role). You can't label her an alcoholic...only she can do that. My guess is she was playing the ultimatum game by trying to see if your program and sobriety were more important than her. The answer to that for us (as you amazingly and wonderfully clap clap clap - already seem to have figured out) is that, yes, your program and sobriety will be more important than her and everybody and everything else. If you can talk to her and explain that your program and sobriety have nothing to do with her and if she gets it...maybe stay friends. Personally, I think the sabotage attempt shows her to be pretty insecure and needy and probably not the greatest source of strength for you at the moment. Still early in my sobriety, I can't handle much drama. I create enough of that in my messed up head. This would be when that line "it's a selfish program" comes into play. Your seat in the rooms which you earned is priceless. A seat at her drinking party is not worth much as you apparently know based on your making the next right decision which was to leave. Kudos to you.

Mark

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 31st of August 2009 11:01:47 PM

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

I LOVE what all others had to say here. I just wanted to add that if you stay in the battle with her over "whether you were drinking or not" that night, then she keeps you stuck and sucked in. You cannot prove something to a person who insists that her lies are true. Dismiss the "battle", you know WHO you are and WHAT you are, and it is not worth trying to convince her otherwise. Walk away, for now. You don't need to prove anything. You are here for yourself. A friendship where you lose yourself just isn't worth it.

And if she is one of us, may she find the rooms of AA someday, on her own.