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Post Info TOPIC: Anonymity and the Ego....
Jerry F


MIP Old Timer

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Anonymity and the Ego....
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Saturday morning (HST) AA at the Bay, Hawaii.   The topic came from the Daily
Reflections and those who responded I can stake my sobriety on while still
doing the work.  I took my current concern to the meeting and as suggested
when I first got into recovery sat with an open mind and then shared my self.

I've mentioned often that most often I hang around and closely listen to those
who have relapse experience, why because that is a major part of this disease
I have not dealt with regarding the actual drinking.  I mentioned that it was one
of the major reason that the Saturday and Sunday versions of that meeting came
into existence 14 years ago.  I know cunning, powerful and baffling and it is
alcohol leading to alcoholism.  My HP reminded me on the way to the meeting
and while listening, of something profound that I must pay attention to; a major
milestone in my journey.  I never got into AA because I wanted or felt that I
needed to stop drinking, though I really did.  I never thought I had a problem
with alcohol inspite of having reached overdosing several times in my drinking
career.  Survival of near terminal drinking left me with a sense of immortality and
a mind set that alcohol could not and would not take me down forever.  I had
what I came to later describe as the "Wiley Coyote" syndrome.  I could run off
the edge of the cliff and either get myself back or drop thousands of feet and
crash and arrive back at the top.  LOL but real...insanity.

I got into recovery because my then major drinking partner stopped her drinking
and arrived here for help.  I then later told her I didn't think she was alcoholic and
she went back out and God as I understand God, more cunning, powerful and
baffling led me into the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and then to my own
very honest assessment on my drinking style.  That assessment told me that
in truth I was alcoholic but not that I could not drink again.  The head nurse of
the recovery center that I also counseled in recommended that the person who
belonged to that "anonymous" assessment needed to be in inpatient care or "the
next time they drank they died."   Consciously I know all that.  Consciously I've
been around a long time, wide awake and following the suggestions and working
the program like its the best thing going in life...Subconsciously there is a problem
and cunning, powerful and baffling suggest I keep coming back with an open
mind and hang around the relapsers, those who have experience being taken
back out again.  

I am not so much anxious as I am alert.  My pride and my ego still bow to the
awareness that I am powerless and that in the past when I yelled "uncle" it
was with crossed fingers behind my back.  I don't get to be done ever.

Mahalo for your support.   smile

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toni baloney


Senior Member

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Hi There Jerry,

And sure can relate to the wanted to stay close and listen to the one's that relapsed, for myself I had so so many years of relapsing myself, I recall all of those "saying this time I promise that I will not drink" Just to appease others, or saying that "Uncle" with fingers crossed behind my back.

Thank Goodness the Program teaches us, with working with others, and humbling ourselves daily to the goodness of our HP. that there really is no room left for the Pride and Ego to get ahold of us. Well that is just for today, have to do it over, tomorrow, and as the years go by, I find myself becoming more humble every year, when for so many years I diagnosed myself of the Hopeless variety.

I always keep my last drunk, and it was not a planned out drinking spree, but coming out of one of the worst Black outs of my life. It does not bother me to take a quick glance back, and very often too. For every time I do that, I think of my HP that I choose to call God, with an even more faithful heart, and deeper compassion for those still out there suffering with this Disease.

Hugs, and thank you for this great Post. I love every word of every writing you put in here, sometimes complicated, well for me, so I do re read about 75 % of your writings.

Toodles,

Baloneycakes



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pinkchip


MIP Old Timer

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I fear relapse intensely. I treaded so close to needing rehab and halfway house and also the mental ward and I did not go there....yet. Was so close though. I don't judge anyone that went through that. I actually admire how people can pick themselves up and consider them greater miracles than others in a lot of ways. I am just scared of those things really badly and I know how it's right there waiting for me. I clutched pills and threatened to kill myself so many times while drunk. Living alone now...who would stop me from actually doing it? I don't want to live in fear of those things, even though it's a healthy fear sort of. Do you ever reach a point of trusting your sobriety? I kind of feel like I would only drink right now if I actively wanted to hurt myself...it would be the same as laying in the middle of the road and wondering if I would get run over. I know AA would be there for me if was to relapse, but I am not sure what I would do to myself or if I would ever make it back. Some of these things are cliche and I've heard others say them too, but I do feel that way.

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Jerry F


MIP Old Timer

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Posts: 3278
Date:
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PC...Thanks for the honest response and experience.  Yeah I've had the Gward
suggested several times for me with the questions do I want to chance staying
out?  I always have because I'm naturally a risk taker...alcohol and adrenalin
what a cocktail.  I also know the taste of gun metal blue from an attempted
suicide, plus one major attempt at it by alcohol that I cannot believe I got away
with.  There is a God...I've got no doubts or questions.  I hang with relapsers
because the cunning, powerful and baffling character of this disease that has
shown me can and will take a person against their desire.  I hang with relapsers
so I can learn the thinking patterns and the thought language they experience
before they go back out.  I want to recognize the voice intimately so that I have
as much awareness as possible.  Most of the people who I have spoken with
over the years seem to relate that they were not prepared or thought they
were recovered.   

I can use your thoughts about drinking to actively hurt yourself.  That is a
different perspective and as I think about it and how my life is going right
now it's worth inventorying.  I never defended myself against alcohol because
I never consciously thought it could hurt me.  Its time to work on the subconscious
the part that lays quietly beneath.  That is where my dreams come from and
project themselves without my permission or help. 

Do I trust my sobriety?  Yes completely and I can say that my sobriety exist
within the awareness that I am by fact alcoholic and therefore qualified to be
in the program of Alcoholic's Anonymous.  I have not been here or stayed
here to pass time only.  I know what I'm (we're) up against.  I've watched it
work.  I am without critisism, amazed.  Ever see that poster of (me) the mouse
facing off the eagle (adversity) swooping into make him a snack?  I am that
mouse standing there in defiance with a snarl on his face and his middle finger
up in the air.  If that mouse would do more home work regarding birds of prey
and how to stay out of their path it wouldn't be such an easy unsuspecting 
target.    My prior sponsor died sober.  Charley S wanted that and only that
put on his headstone beneath his name.  He also knew what he had avoided.
Do I trust the program...no question.  All I've got to do is go to meetings as
listen, come to this board and read and practice what works for others.

I need to listen to those who have gone where I have not yet.

I'm gonna go write about drinking to hurt myself due to my current condition.
Mahalo (thanks)smile

 

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Dave Harm


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My ego got me in trouble once. I had five and a half years sobriety and I began thinking that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic. How could I be, I was sober and didn't miss alcohol at all.

So I tried an experiment. I went into a bar and had one beer and left. I did it! No problem! Then the next day did it again. Then I bought a six-pack and made it last four days. I was so proud of myself, there was no way an alcoholic could make a six-pack last four days

And I returned to drinking quite freely. But soon that one beer in a bar turned to how much I could drink in one hour. And that six-pack I brought home was quickly up to a case.

In no time at all, I was right back to where I was five and a half years earlier.

When I found sobriety this time, I threw my ego out the door. As long as I had that ego I could never have a close relationship with my Higher Power.

And what I figured out with my slip was that while I admitted to being an alcoholic, that wasn't enough to keep me sober.

This time I also accepted the fact that I am an alcoholic and that one drink is to many...

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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...
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