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Post Info TOPIC: Fear & Ego
Dodsworth


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Fear & Ego
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I've been sober since Aug. 22nd and am living with my parents again. That has been a blow to the ego, but really at this point I can't really hold on to much in that department and for good reason. My ego is destructive. Every day it rears its ugly head at some point and then I stop and remind myself that there is no room for my self-will AND my recovery- they don't mix.

I just had a dose of that struggle about 2 hours ago. I got up and went downstairs to make some coffee in nothing but my boxers and a white T-shirt. Mother was sitting at her laptop typing something and in less time than it took for my coffee to be warmed, she says "The dog hasn't been out to pee yet" (insinuating that I should be the one that walks Charlie around the block to pee and terrorize the neighborhood). I've not been awake for more than 3-4 minutes, im not dressed and she wants me to go walk around the block and pick up dog poop?! I went right back upstairs and asked God to show me how to be humble, patient, and helpful today. So I took Charlie around the block, picked up poop and almost terrorized this poor woman with a stroller (Charlie can't see the difference between a squirrel and an innocent woman with a baby). By the time I got back, I had forgotten that I was upset (except a little miffed at Charlie).

I'm grateful to be sober today even though I've no clue how this will all turn out. I SO want to have a spiritual experience that will propel me away from my anger, pity, and FEAR. Sometimes, I just laugh scornfully and say-"I'll have a spiritual experience, just won't (expletive) be today"

Had a wonderful f2f meeting last night at Campus Group, saw my sponsor and some other friends. One of the rare times I felt comfortable in a meeting, felt like I didn't have to look down at my shoes or act like I was picking at my fingernails. I have a repertoire of fake fidgety tics that I run through during a typical meeting that keeps me from making eye contact with people. I only went through one of those last night lol. The meeting was about fear, and only recently have I been aware of how much fear rules my life. I'm fearful of damn near everything, and drinking allowed me to be fearless, as long as I was drunk- fearless of women, fearless of my faults, fearless of tomorrow, and in the larger sense fearless of the unknown. There probably wasn't a thing shared at the meeting that I didn't identify with- imagine that? For some reason it made more sense than usual.

Not drinking isnt enough, I have to find a strength and confidence from somewhere other than myself. Hoping to find that spiritual experience before my next drink.

This post is getting too long!

Hope you're all doing well.



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toni baloney


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Good Morning Adam,

"Fear knocked, Faith answered, and there was NO ONE there" You have probably heard that many times.

For myself in my first year, I gained so much from every meeting when the topic was Fear, it was who I was, a walking talking bundle of Fears, biggest fear was that I would return to drinking, and now I see it was really a health fear.

As far as the ego squashing topic of getting to the dog and walking him, personally I would welcome every Ego smashing event. The EGO MUST be smashed, before we can completely surrender to this Program. The ego is our biggest enemy.

So hope you have an ok day, and congratulations on putting all these day together,
August 22nd, over 30 days, that is GREAT. How is your Sponsor working in your Life today, is he dedicating time to you, to get in and plunge full force into Step I, hope so, it has two parts, and if you can put all your energy into working that first step, that is the one that has to be done completed, and with both feet in the water.

Hugs to you, and how wonderful to see you Posting, please keep coming back here, ok, no matter what, you are a part of us in that no matter what, Just like Tom said in a different thread, you and I and all the others here are just the same people, with or without alcohol. Always too remember the only requirement is a Desire to quit drinking, so dont stay away so long, well you do what ever it is you want to do,
that was me just asking, hope it came out like that.

Hugs, Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 28th of August 2009 12:41:07 PM

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Jerry F


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Aloha Dodsworth....ooooh I remember going back home to Mom and step-dad.
I also remember wanting the program more than anything else and forced my
self into gratitude for the roof over my head and the simple requirements in
order to be there.  The spiritual awakening came about and around those
relationships with the people in my life I did't "choose" to be with and with the
help of my HP, the program and a very open mind and courage to change the
things I could, miracles for me, for them and between us started to take place.

One of the metaphors my sponsor gave me while I was preparing for my 4th
step and used to complain about "not knowing myself", was "If you want to
know about the tree, ask the farmers."   I was living with the farmers!!  I had
the opportunity to ask, sit and listen to the feedback from my Mom on alot of
the events that occurred that shaped me.   It was a gold mine for me and for
my recovery.  I would recommend it for anyone looking for self awareness.

I do the dog poop pick-up thing myself for two pups.  I use gratitude alot.
Most of the time it's dry and easy to pickup and I can hold my breath if the
smell approaches nuclear toxic level.  I use wipes so rarely do I have to touch
it and then if I do they are still manufacturing all kinds of soaps.  If it is wet
and runny and smelly it will take a bit more time but then not forever and
always.  There's always the bagged trash to throw it in so I don't have to do
some kinda double clean up after and in the end...the pups love the walk,
act out in funny humorous ways and always are appreciative...notice the
smile on my face.      smile

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Dave Harm


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As long as my ego leads the way, my spirituality is lost.

Earth
Guide
Only

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"A busy mind is a sick mind.  A slow mind, is a healthy mind.  A still mind, is a divine mind." - Native American Centerness

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...
newcomer


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Charlie sounds a little like Puppy my dog. She terrorised the little dog next door and thinks its great fun to body slam him and basically try to kill him. My neighbours are just about talking to me again after the last episode but are none too impressed. Puppy who is a big black labrador thinks it all fun and games, Yoshi, the little **** next door is a drama dog who claims its attempted murder. Puppy ate the back door so bad that I thought someone had tried to break in and I rang the police, they were none too impressed when they found it was my own dog. I hope all goes well with you and yes keep walking Charlie, I think it does get better and I too am full of fear about almost everything but its lessening.

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turninggrey


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Yo Dods,
Do you remember Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid? Wax on wax off? Its kind of like your HP and the pooper scooper. I loved your post. Its great. Its a preperation. Your sense of humor and your reasoning on this situation are perfect! The reason you are looking people in the eye is because you have nothing to hide. You are following the steps, losing your ego, and gaining your dignity. Bravo. I hold great respect for a person who can beat alcohol and pick up dog poop 100% more than than most of society's idols today. Thanks for the inspiration!


P.S. Jerry F, the actual dog poop description above was very well written. I formed such a picture in my mind that I had to go take a shower.
Tom

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Sobrietyspell


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Great share, Adam. Ego stroke over lol I'm only kidding. No, truly.. I can identify with you so much. I didn't realise how significant  fear was in my life. I knew I'd been eternally insecure but I hadn't actually clicked in regards to fear as that evil-corroding thread ripping right through the entire fabric of my life but today I can see it as plain as day, thanks to A.A. & alcoholic honesty. Your spiritual awakening will come in repeated efforts to do as suggested. I found the promise did come true after Step 9 & my spirit continued to awaken after practice of all 12 Steps.

It is progress not perfection & you may notice in time that you have been learning so much without even fully realising except in hindsight of these principles as becoming reality consistently. Keep a record of all your growings like here & in a journal & enjoy God's work within you. I have truly enjoyed learning (despite my stubborn prides & confused resistances during my processes) the meaning of God's will & self-will for me. This is beautiful & fascinating stuff. It is good to be alive & it is amazing to be sober. Keep coming back & sharing all your recovery wonder with us. I'm loving it! Enjoying your journey, Danielle x

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eastcoastscott


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Drama is a magnet that pulls at my ego. I actually don't have to play into it if I know what's best for me. If I recognize that moment where I normally engage, I can put a fork in the road and take an alternate route.
Years of conditioned behavior has caused me to jump into "autopilot" and go the wrong way most times. Awareness, or mindfulness is the key for me.

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pinkchip


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When I came into AA, I thought I was a pretty selfless and giving person.  I was "a therapist that helped children."  The thing was...that was the only thing my ego was built off of and I thought I deserved a daily medal for it.  I would get depressed and then expect everyone to do everything for me and to rescue me.  I stayed in my boss / best friend's house for my first 28 days.  In that time I realized I didn't even know how to live in a community setting with respect for others.  I had to be told to buy my own food, to take out garbage, to not leave my toiletries lying around, to not just eat things without asking...  I was selfish as crap.  I started living on my own in my own place at 30 days.  My parents did come down and help me with that.  They did help me clean up some financial wreckage, but by then I was putting so much effort into AA with tons of meetings and pouring my guts out that people from AA also helped me by setting me up with furniture and also helping me move.  I had a very hard time with loneliness living on my own.  I sought out a relationship to help with that and it did put a little bit of a bandaid on it (I was rigid about not dating someone who drank or went to bars at least)...but I kept returning back to myself and my craziness.  More AA, more time passes, I get slowly less afraid, less dependent, less needy.  Each month I fear paying bills even though I have a job that I never lost thankfully and can mostly afford them.  I slowly learn to shop for myself.  I learn to clean up after myself.  I learn that my neighbors don't appreciate my TV being on loud while I smoke on my balcony (selfish)...but nonetheless, I slowly learn to live sober.  I still have the boyfriend which is cool, but I don't need him and pretty much have grown into a casual appreciation of time spent together.  He knew the deal and never let me depend on him in terms of self-care anyhow.  I can spend a night by myself now without going batshit.  I find myself coming home to my cat and just relaxing sometimes now.  I also found this board and it made things less scary.  I gained some self-esteem by trying to help others with the areas of my brain still functioning.  I kept going to meetings, started service, did some stepwork (though that has been the 1 thing I've taken very slowly because I felt I was too crazy and needing just to learn to do such very basic things for myself that the steps were working for me and I was learning them and acting on them, though not formally writing them out...I am doing that now).  So spiritual awakens happened along the lines of... I have put some time together...I function so much better than I used to.  I actually do good things for others outside of work because I like it.  I do service in AA now because I have something to give back.  I'm not a whiny and complaining person as much as I was. How did all this happen?  God had a plan for me and I can now only begin to fathom it after simply not drinking and sticking with AA for this amount of time.  I can see now how God sort of works every day in my life and I can interpret spiritual moments now because I am not so busy hating on myself like I used to.  Still not perfect, still wanting more....but coping better and faith has grown because I have grown some.  That's all I can share about how it works/has worked for me thus far and this is as honest as I can get.  So basically, don't drink no matter what and you will learn what you need to know.  I now feel God will see to that and you will believe as long as you stay looking forward and refuse to take collosal steps backwards.  In other words, the only major error would be to quit AA or to drink.  Yeah...you can start over and begin again even if you do that, but why put off what you want?  I guess that is the really hard part is wanting it to be better in MY TIME...Regardless of what the time span is, staying continuously sober and sticking with AA has been insurance that things get better in some span of time not typically clear to me.  Everything falls into place I guess.  Like when I used to feel like dog crap and people would tell me I was right where I was supposed to be while I was crying and miserable...But...I was right where I was supposed to be...It got me here which is so WAY better than where I was...Friggin oldtimers know everything.  Much Love Dods, Keep at it,

Mark

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Dodsworth


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Thanks all for the ESH, and for the support!

Toni-It's only been 7 days, not 30 (i wish)

newcomer- what is kinda funny is that Charlie is a 12lb white miniature schnauzer. lol. Noone actually fears for their life, but he just tends to scare the sin outta people cause he suddenly lunges and starts howling. OMG, one time I was walking him past the mailbox and the mailman (typical right??) was in his truck looking the other way and when he turned around in his seat Charlie went ballistic...it was like a post traumatic stress syndrome moment or something for the mailman...I felt bad :( Despite that, Charlie is a sweet, playful dog. He helps me to laugh when I feel like climbing up the walls.



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Rob84


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Thanks for the great post Mark! (Don't let your're ego swell now).

Rob

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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Rob84


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If we fully surrender and accept the first step proclaiming Powerless over Alcholol and our lives unmanagable, our egos should be pretty well deflated.

We still will have to learn to deal with the new emotions on a sober level that occur involving dealings with others and having to walk the dog etc, God won't give us anything we can't handle though.

I got sober at a early age (24), so I went through the process of growing a career and gaining some material success in soberiety.

17 years sober I was fired from a job. I felt a very deep emptiness and it seemed my World was colapsing. I finally realized how much of my ego and self worth I had tied up in my Career and my "things".

Today, I look to base my ego on the benefits of the 12 promises, these are things I work toward via the steps and spirtual growth. All the other stuff can come and go and we can't always control them.

No one can take the promises away from me but me.



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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
beachgirl


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"Before enlightenment- chopping wood and carrying water.
After enlightenment- chopping wood and carrying water...." smile.gif BG

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progress


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I was so out of touch with my emotions that i had actually thought i feared nothing and that ego was self confidence.!  My second time through the program and with a thorough understanding of the first step then progressing through step 2 and then three brought me to do a FEARLESS moral inventory of myself in step 4.   With the help of my HP allot of of Honesty,Openmindedness and Willingness and a great sponsor to whom i dropped my 5th step with I was blessed with a Spiritual Awakening, I felt cleansed-I felt new and i felt lighter in my heart and in my soul.   Thought i'd share my experience with you as your post brought back memories and the knowledge that we are of the same spirit.

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StPeteDean


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Hey Adam,

I started out my sobriety in my Dad's house. Albeit a rental house, but one that I was getting quite a discount on and wasn't always timely about paying rent. Truth is that I had been living there for about 6 years and he had wanted me to move out a few times. I had already been trying to get sober, going to meetings (just not enough) for about 2 years. When I finally made a decision to go to meetings daily (90/90), and I got sober. After about 6 months I called my father and told him I had six months and would he allow me to live there till I had 2 years (or 18 more months). He reluctantly agreed, but he did attend my first three anniversary meetings which did make him proud. It had to hurt him a lot because (even though he wouldn't admit it) he was one of us too. So Adam don't let your ego get in the way of your sobriety. This program relies on reducing the ego (read humility) so you're on the right track. smile.gif




-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 31st of August 2009 04:37:15 PM

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Dodsworth


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StPeteDean-

Thank you for that post! I can relate more than you might know (but you probably do know).

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Sobrietyspell


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My latihan brought me an insight tonight that my fear is my ego. My ego is attack/defend/survival. It has its place to bring dangers & possibilities to my awareness but beyond that I am to let go & allow my faith in my Higher Power take the unnecessary excess of my fear away so that I can function & not allow my anxiety, however unconscious, stand in the way of the things I want/like/need to do.

Namely at the moment a workbased qualification NVQII in Health & Social Care so that i can formally demonstrate & improve my skills. I will not let my fearful ego rule me with such defects as worry & procrastination lol There is nowhere for my disease to hide with this program. I love the honesty it affords me ;) Thank you all for being here. I love you :) Do Not Be Afraid, Danielle x

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