PJD,

Early sobriety for me was a lonely time because I had no one to share it with. My ex-wife said, "It your problem" and wanted nothing to do with it.

That is when I needed AA a lot. I had to accept the fact that I was getting sober for me and no one else. And I really couldn't afford to look at my relationship with her until I felt comfortable with my sobriety.

Hit those meetings... things will get better...

Patrick, I don't want to project issues on you that you might not have, and I hope I'm not reading into things.  I will start out just by sharing a little about me.  I am a gay male who lives in a town that is the 2nd most populated gay area next to San Francisco.  Much of the whole gay "scene" seems to involve going out to gay bars and having cocktails, and all that crap.  While neither of us is especially unique, there are some challenges that go along with getting sober and being gay.  It would seem that the bars is where all the "hooking up" and "the fun" and the "excitement is."  I know it is the same story for straight people too, but their lives on the whole do not revolve around bars as much as this tends to be the case in the gay community.  It is a hard road to travel, because if you don't connect yourself to some sober gay people, that fence over which the other side seems so fabulous seems real much faster and it is so much easier to go back to it out of loneliness and feeling separated from the gay community.  I would highly recommend trying to find some gay meetings if you can.  I learn tons from all types of meetings, but I do need some gay meetings because I am trying to learn to be a responsible adult gay male and I need to be surrounded by gay old-timers that do live fulfilling lives without bars, constant drinking, and planning everything around the next "white party" or whatever.  That crap was fun for a while, but it got so old as I'm guessing it has for you too at close to my age.  Plus, I was the one that always overdid it and it wasn't about the scene for me because it always became about getting plastered and it just got worse and worse.   Right now, I know it's just a fake life and I can't take part in it because I lose all ability to function in the real world which includes paying bills, working responsibly, and trying to be a good person to everyone...You are right in knowing that being in a relationship with someone that owns a bar is probably not good for you because it will likely drag you right back into thinking that the only place you really belong is in those bars.  You can't control what your heart feels for your ex, but you do seem to have some grip on the reality of the situation.  If you are patient and work on yourself, you will find the person that is really right for you.  Eventually, you will actually be prime pickins because most gay people who really want a relationship do not want to be with someone who goes out to clubs all the time and lives in bars.  They want the same life everyone else strives for which is simplicity and pure companionship without drama and BS.  The only way to get there for us is through sobriety and working on yourself.  One saying I hear again and again in gay meetings is "I only am able to attract what I am"  Knowing that, there is a pressing need to get as well as possible so as to not have continuously screwy relationships.  The healthier you get, the more likely you will eventually meet a great significant other.  Now, with all that said, I could be totally off the mark here and disregard if that is so.  While being gay and alcoholic doesn't make us "so unique" I just felt compelled to reach out because it's something else I can understand and you might understand about me.  Hang in there and try and remember, nobody can love you as well as you can love yourself.  That takes some of the sting off feeling needy and lonely.  Hoping you feel better and keep digging for the strength and spirituality that will make you more whole.

Mark