I can't really answer this other than to say how is this affecting your sobriety? If you can do this without running for the bottle or going dry drunk??????????????

Hi Mike,

No words of wisdom for you, but share what Bikerbill said, IF YOU KEEP YOUR SOBRIETY in Front of ALL of this, and IN YOUR HEART you want this marriage to really work, only you know what is on the inside of those two things mentioned.

And simple Answer, have you tried to give all of this up to your HP, and Pray for the answers to come.

I also did what Dave talked about. My husband was a very very heavy Pot user, and because of all the fancy stuff they were doing to the plants with the hybriding, back then, one was like having about 5. He did this before going to business presentations and because he had done it for so many years, no one ever knew, but I knew, and when we tried a reconcilation after almost a year, it was clear he was not going to be quitting, even though a great and informed Counselor had talked at nausium to him, about the fact that I would not be able to remain sober, if he continued.

Also, he said he supported my Recovery, just words, he was always annoyed after dinner when I would head out to my 6:00 meeting about 3 blocks away.

I had been the " identified patient" for years, and now he just did not know how to support this new me, and was really not too interested in learning. So finnally I just gave up, returned to California, still loved him, but I really loved my own new Sober life more.

I finally got that saying of Keeping Sobriety in Front of Everything, no matter what,
as in People, Place or thing, for if we put anything in Front of our Sobriety, our chances gets slimmer to.... none.

Never for a split second did I ever regret my decision.

Praying that you will find those answer you are trying desperately to find my friend.

A Big Hug,
Toni



-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 24th of August 2009 05:56:20 PM

Mike, I had this 6 paragraph reply typed (20 minutes worth), went to get a link for a book that I'm recommending, and my message disappeared.  I only have time to paraphrase now (leaving town tomorrow)
Your wife is very dishonest and doesn't appear to be in control at all over her addiction.  Her integrity level is down to "It's only wrong if I get caught".  She doesn't really want to get help, she's just trying to smooth this over.  If it was me, and I was compationate (<I can't even spell that word lol) enough to give her a second chance, she'd have to leave the house (like many alcoholic husbands have to) to go and work on her addiction with true effort and enthusiasm to earn her way back into your life.  I might be surprised but I don't think that she'll go for that. But I'd throw her out just the same, while the guilt is fresh.  What you haven't shared is your living situation (kids, no kids  finances (can you pay for your living situation without her help...?))   I urge you to only think or yourself right now.  Assume the worst and come up with a "carrot and the stick" approach to deal with this problem.  If you "go along to get along" now, probably nothing will change.  It's is your responsibility to educate yourself about this problem and the best place to that is in this book.  Go to amazon and order it.  You're be amazed at the answers that you'll find in there about what is happening in your life and how the writing has been on the wall  All Along.
Good luck,  later I'll share my experience with my divorce some 20 years ago.
Dean

http://www.amazon.com/Bradshaw-Family-Creating-Solid-Self-Esteem/dp/1558744274

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 24th of August 2009 06:43:28 PM

I caught my wife by installing a keylogger on computer and read her emails and love notes. Found out she'd been physical with a guy she met online during a six month affair when I was a dry drunk caught up in my own mess and didn't notice how prettied up she got to go see "girlfriends" on the weekend.

Speaking only for myself and no one else, I look back at it now and realized I somewhat pushed her away. She'd told me more than once she needed me to be a husband. She saw that I wasn't drinking, but neither of us understood what a dry drunk was at the time. spent ten years as a dry drunk and then have spent last four years since I found out about her affair as a wet drunk. I used her affair as an excuse to go deeper into a bottle than I've ever been in my life. I'm trying to climb out now. I ended up having my own grudge affair thinking it would make me feel better as a man, it didn't, not at all. Ended up in psych ward.

My wife had another affair just recently. Our marriage is over. Neither one of us can trust the other and the sad thing is I think we still love each other but too many bells can't be unrung at this point.

I feel your pain right now. It sucks like no other. It's worse than the death of a loved one perhaps. Speaking only for myself, if I could have JUST not picked up a bottle that night while reading those emails, and gone to an AA meeting, things might have worked out different. She gave me so many chances to make up for my drunken ways, I gave her none for reaching out to another man because she felt I didn't love her. Living with an alcoholic is rough, sometimes the spouse looks at it as having an affair, the bottle being the mistress. I think that was my wife's case. I got angry and drank at her, then became an adulterer as well for even more selfish reasons. I am only speaking for myself and my situation.

I just know how it feels looking at cell phone records and keylogger reports and am sorry you have to deal with it. Emotional affair can be as bad if not worse than physical affairs, either way, the mental movies can bring ya to your knees sometimes. Be strong. There is a website called marriagebuilders.com(not sure if it's cool to put links here) that has a forum that may help you. You are not alone and there is a wealth of information for the betrayed and wayward spouses.

Thank you all so much.  I'll keep you posted.