Hello people- I have just signed up here a week or so ago, and have been lurking. I am not quite 3 months into this sobriety and while it has been very wonderful, I am having an issue.
My wife has really escalated her drinking as of late and it is really difficult to be around her. I don't know what to do other than pray and make sure I don't drink. Perhaps some of you folks have been down this road before and could offer your experiences?
I guess I am preparing myself for a divorce if need be.
First off welcome TS. So many changes take place in a relationship when one person stops drinking and the other does not. Before going down the whole road of divorce, it might be worth a conversation about how dedicated she is to being a positive support to you in your sobriety. There is much discussion about staying sober for yourself and so forth and all of that is crucial, but you came into AA in a marriage and the healing process there could take some positive turns you might now expect. I guess it might be worth asking if she will at least go to alanon. That way you aren't accusing her of being a drunk and it will be like asking for support for you. If she thinks the whole program and the rooms are not worthwhile, it's going to be hard for you. Yes, you can address these issues with help from the rooms...alanon and possibly marital counseling as your relationship is inevititably undergoing a huge shift. Ultimately, you will know as you progress in sobriety what you need to do. My partner could not stop drinking for me and we split after 7 years and that began my sobriety journey about 11 months ago. I know however, that is not the course everyone has to take. You do need to focus on yourself and your wife either needs to get on board or you might just want to take time out for you. Don't do anythng rash just yet. Let things take their course and don't agonize too hard over it. The only immediate actions you need to take are those which trigger your drinking. If staying there is causing you to want to constantly pick up, you need to get out for a while and stay somewhere else. That's just a suggestion based on not knowing the whole situation...so take it for what it's worth. I admire your courage for and the fact that you even acknowledge this issue is a sign of willingness to go to any lengths if necessary and that is a good thing (but time will reveal what is necessary). Welcome again, and keep us updated on how things are going.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
welcome to the board mr. sword. I had the same problem. I wasn't able to stay sober through 2 years of effort and finally ended the marriage for the benefit of my sobriety. Not saying that this is what you should do, there were a lot of problems with the marriage so I think divorce was inevitable.
When I read your Post title, honestly it brought up the emotion of Fear, for you.
3 Months, baby steps, and I can only share my experience. I had been a Relapser for 10 years, and when Recovery was finally in my life, a physical separation was very necessary. He could not be around me with the way I drank, it was pretty bad, and I certainly understood that one.
I had retuned to California, and grabbed a wonderful and very tough Sponsor, starting really digging in and working the Steps, all my attention was right there, then at 10 months, my husband wanted me to return to Portland, and I still loved him very much and was so greatful that we had a reconcilation, another chance.
Well when I returned, things were very very different, he had never been a drinker, but had alway smoked Pot, a lot of Pot, and had slowed down, but did not stop.
So as the months went by, he went into Alanon, then out again, and could not stop completely using his Pot. He worked out of our House, as an Industrial designer, and use to always tell me that the Pot helped him with his creativity.
And then just like an alke, he started lying about his use. I learned a very big lesson, that "high is high" no matter the source. I would come home from work, look in his eyes that were glazed over, and after a few months I began to see that sadly this was just not going to work. I had worked my ass of to get off of Valium first, that took six months, and then my Recovery from Alcohol began.
The Program of AA had certainly saved my life, and I was willing to anything and everything to remain Clean and Sober, no matter what. So the end of this story was that I finally just gave up, and returned home to California and to my own Recovery, if I wanted to not die of the Disease, I had to do this for me.
And when you said that you are living with someone that is not only drinking, but now escalating the drinking, the only thing I can say is that I could not ever do what you are doing......
And to have a sit down with your wife, and tell her it is critical to your recovery, and to your own LIFE itself, that you not be around drinking. That would give her the option of not drinking, in support of you, or putting up with a temporary separation so that you can work the AA Program, and focus on the life saving Steps of this Program. Also seeing a Marriage counselor bringing in this situation, exactly as it is, would be a great way to sort this out.
I wish you the very best, and hope you will stay right here and keep us posted on how you are doing, please.
Wow, another Mark! Welcome to MIP, Mr. Sword. I hope you'll keep coming back. I find this site a great staple in my support for sobriety & I hope you do too. Enjoy your sobriety for all it is worth. It is the best gift we have. Everything else is a bonus :) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
My experience when I was at that point was that "divorce" was not the default solution. Getting and staying sober was. Self focus was most difficult because I was married and had children and neighbors and the cops and the people at the market...self focus, what did I need and what did I need to get what I needed. My spouses drinking escalated also and part of that was because I perceived it to escalate. I quit and she continued. She went out to drink and I didn't join her. She got fearful that her drinking partner was stopping and that it was a drag on her drinking practice. Normal. And yes she got angry because I was changing.
I continued to change because not to would mean dying crazy with or without my wife and family. I had only one hope and that wasn't that she would wait but that I wouldn't go back. In self focus I learned to take the pressure off of her and others around me and put the responsibility for my situation and consequences only on myself. Divorce was another subject to be taken up later after I had done my work and my sponsors, the program and my HP had done their leadership.
Keep coming back and if you want support from the family members, relatives, spouses and associates of alcoholics also...check into the Al-Anon board.
