Dear (MIP) Family, Thurs. 8-13 was my birthday. Had no special plans, work, home, check in on my father who was preparing for a med. test on the 14th, ect. Had gotten online and was overwelmed by all these messages in regards to the day. Feeling blessed, I responded with a thank you for having each individual in my life. A 'chat' popped up and the euphoria was suddenly deflated. I had read the local paper but overlooked an item in the 'Court' section. I only answered a 'no' the inquiry and went straight to the online version of that section. What had been told was not there.... My name was supposedly listed and there had been no official documents given, mailed, ect. It was however true. AH had filed for divorce. He had not told our children, his family, ect. I did not let the news get in the way the following day. Drove my dad along with my mother, for his tests. I went through most of Sat. fine. Sat. night a whole different story. News of a relatives death. Someone I really liked. I realized I had gotten the mail in and headed for the box. There it was a letter from a lawyer.The combination hit like a ton of bricks. All these questions bebopping all over the place. Did our kids know and not tell me? Why were the papers filed on THAT day? What were his terms? , ect. ect. But mostly sadness.....deep deep sadness. The head was saying, "you did everything possible" the heart was/is to a point (now) still saying something else. I couldn't stop the tears! I was better Sunday...... I have been blessed!!! Alot of that is due to AA and all my friends here. I have learned to 'let go'....'let God'..... I have learned to stand on my own two feet and take on responsibility for me. I have learned how this disease REALLY is a struggle and that no one else can help the individual except for the individual himself/herself. (One CAN be supported and encouraged, but the choice is solely that person's choice to drink or not drink.) You have given me the greatest of gifts!!!! I've learned through your 'eyes' and journies how to cope..... move forward..... ect. I am so grateful!!! In this journey of mine.....I have been blessed!!!! I will continue to love this man.......my love is very different. I will continue to pray for this man.....the prayers are very different. The only regret is that of my own naivity (sp?) about this disease. Yet I have come to realize we are in a certain place, at a certain time, for a certain reason. We may never know exactly why at the time. Looking back it could be we are there to learn or there to teach, love or recieve love, give or recieve the gift! It is certain there will be a greiving process. I share children with this man, I have shared other things as well. I will journey on and I will continue with one of the greatest 'gifts' I have ever recieved.......my family here! I am grateful to have you in my life!
With the utmost respect and appreciation,
Wanda
PS. "Special Thanks" to Phil, Wren, Doll and Toby. You were there in the beginning and I will NEVER forget that! Love you all!
Great post and had I not seen your name at all the post alone would have reminded me of another Wanda A from early recovery who was so masterful and loving in keeping other on the journey. She has passed and left her tools with alot of people including myself. I've seen her cry but not as often as I've seen her smile no matter what. I'll tell her your story and maybe she'll drop off some support. You're doing fine. It's all temporary.
YOU, to me, are one of the "ones" who has kept me coming back here for years, despite times where I just backed away for a breather for a season. Many times, you have just popped up out of nowhere, offering a word of encouragement and support. Quality, not quantity of words, is one of the things I have gained from you.
What a troubling season you are in right now. And handling it all with such grace, moment by moment. Don't think for one moment that you can't pop in and out of your gratitude, be human, and remind yourself again of why it is we are grateful despite all circumstances. In and out of wise thinking, it is the human condition. But you have so much love and support flowing in your direction. You have paid up your "insurance policy" here over the years, and you should feel free to suck up and grab as much love, support, hugs, and tears for you as you can right now, in this place.
You are one of the angels here. Know that, Wanda. And angels can cry sometimes too. I am so sad to see what is happening with you and your husband. It is personal, and yet, it is something that we see happening all around us, yet when it happens to us, it is such a shock. It sounds like perhaps this is one of those things that you really did NOT see coming? Well, how many things in life DO happen seemingly out of the blue, and our expectation that we will someday master the skill of foreknowing is also part of that "human condition". Your sobriety and your psychic change from that desperate alcoholic to who you are today, has prepared you to handle this. You have a deeply personal God of your understanding, who is hte ultimate and central part of your existence, and this God will not let you down, ever, ever, EVER.
I had an experience similar to yours last year, something dealing with my spouse and the shock of my life, although it didn't end in permanent seperation, there were times where I almost felt "guilty" for not being MORE of a mess than I felt I was. Strength and Grace. Those were gifts given me by my HP. A sense that no one and nothing could take away the foundation I had. Had these things occurred at any other time in my life, I would surely have been wailing and tearing my clothes, desperate and hopeless. God's timing. He will not prevent uncomfortable things from happening in our lives, but He will make sure we are ready and can handle these things, in His time, with His help.
Love and hugs and tender healing being sent your way today,
Love, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Happy Birthday Wanda. Your words are an inspiration to me. While you build yourself up stronger to stand alone...you wind up being an inspiration and you are actually more present for others than you ever were. I love your message, though I feel for the pain you are experiencing. Thanks for sharing.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
