I am so grateful for the program and the recovering brothers and sister who have spent and been a part of my journey outdistancing the next drink. I have always accepted that the disease is so very cunning, powerful and baffling and that there is only one other more cunning, powerful and baffling and that is my HP.
I have never lost the compulsion for alcohol. I have hung with alot of old timers and members of lesser time who swear that they have lost the compulsion completely and that this happens to everyone who works the program as it should be. I am though of the old "ism" school and not the "wasm" variety. My journey in recovery has consitently included hanging with relapsers...listening to their stories about what took them out, how did they and the bottle rearrive at the same point again. I have done this because I have seen old timers go back out and some of them have missed the joy of the program and recovery because they were not able to return. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. An early sponsor told me that if I wasn't recovering on all levels at the same time my recovery wasn't complete or I wasn't recovering totally.
I am not as much amazed any more that as I become more concerned with the fatigue I have been going thru because of the inablility to sleep well and also the consequences this has on my mind and emotions that when I do my inventory about how to handle the problem alcohol and drinking remains high on the list. Because I expect it, it doesn't surprise me. Besides the medications I have the tools of this program and my HP to help me recognize and accept that it isn't a option or justifiable solution.
I have my ears on and am always open to feedback from the fellowship. Grateful ahead of time.
Wow, I have to admit that scares me a little. What I take from your share it that it's a fact and doesn't take away from the quality of your sobriety overall? That what you get from sobriety is more important than cravings. I am really hoping (for me) they crawl under a rock, a super big one. I intend to always keep the program active in my life. I hope that leaves the craving creepies cowering under that giant rock. Amen
-- Edited by angelov8 on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 12:39:13 AM
I one of those early chronic relapsers that was in and out of the programs for the first two years. I went to meetings steadily but couldn't get more than 2 months and then I'd drink. During those two years I heard a lot of things that members were doing to stay sober and one those that I decided to do was pray daily to have the obsession to drink be removed. I did this and it was removed shortly after I reached 6 months and finished my 5th step. It has never returned. Oh sure I ocassionally see someone at the beach with a pina coloda and have a fleeting thought of how that might taste good, but were talking 2 seconds followed by a chuckle and "yeah right!" but I don't consider that an "urge to drink". It's when we are dealing with our feelings good or bad or navigating through life's difficult situations and whether we are thinking of drinking to deal with them, that's indicative of where we are at with our "urges to drink". Thankfully, since 6 months sober, the thought has never crossed my mind from the fleeting thought to a conscious discussion. So I would say that praying for the compulsion to be removed daily works. Of course "living in the solution", rather than living in the problem and learning to stop victimizing ourselves has to be part of this equation.
My first and greatest sponsor John R was a retired psychologist, who spent most of his career at the pentagon, did this drill with me. He asked me if I'd ever thought of moving to the Soviet Union (that's what it was called at the time ) and I said no, then he asked me if I'd thought of having a sex change operation, and I said heck no, then he asked me a few more ridiculous questions that I answered no to. Then he said, "Now that you have the absurd file drawer open in your mind, put drinking alcohol in there and close the drawer". It was a very power association exercise and it certainly changed the way that I thought about drinking. Anytime that a thought about drinking would come up after that I would think about those other things and laugh. Soon after the thought ended before it began. You're not going to keep silly thoughts from popping into your mind, it's what we do with them in the split second after they arrive. Do we dismiss them, or do we embellish them, keep them around for awhile and play with them? We've lived our lives in the taboo region being the rebellious creatures that we are, is playing around with the thought of drinking just a continuation of that trend, or does this part of our character get rooted out and removed? I say, "oh hell no" and change my mind. So here's my question, is it a fleeting thought or an "Urge to drink"?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 05:53:20 AM
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 05:55:50 AM
This is not an attempt to compare cigarette smoking to drinking. I quit smoking in 1981. I actually took a class to learn about the habit, how to break the habit, why I starting smoking to begin with, etc. Really haven't had a urge in all these years. Saturday night I went to a birthday party for a long time friend. There was food and booze and a variety of people. Many were smoking and drinking and talking. The urge to light up hit me really hard out of no where. At first, it took me aback because I usually react adversely to the smell. I actually had to think about it and form the answer no. It took me awhile then I was fine with it. I told myself that I really needed to recommit to being a non-smoker and recommit to the healthy habits that make me feel good. Like I say I was really surprised after all these years that the urge came on all of the sudden.
Not yet 3 years sober and the compulsion has faded but hasn't gone away. i was in the grocery shop a couple of days ago, it has beer and lager and spirits right near the till. I got to thinking how nice it would be to have just one can of cold lager. i started to choose which one it would be. then, amidst all the cans and bottles of beer stood one lonely alcopop (sweet soda with alcohol) and my snobbery kicked in!
What's that doing there I thought, WKD Vodka and Irn Bru (we all know what vodka is, Irn Bru is a childs soft drink) - bloody brewers, enticing young kids to drink like that - and I turned away disgusted.
i went to a meeting that night and met a young man, only 28, looked 60, rattling off vodka, 2 litres a day and totally confused, bereft, embarrassed, bewildered, in pain., shaking like a wet dog, incoherent, desperate.
just one can of lager eh? Thank You God for 2 messages in less than 2 hours.
(By the way, the newcomer came back for the sunday meeting - there is hope!)
__________________
It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
I'm grateful for the feedback. I am also tired as hell. Tried to sleep without even the medication last evening and attempting another method of getting sleep that worked a bit and only a bit as expected. The consequence right now I've had before and no it's not like a hangover. I can assure myself that if I were to dress for work at the moment I would be wearing matching socks and...shoes. LOL Once I rushed into work wearing one lace up and one slip on and different colored socks.
After reading your feedback I arrived again at the realization that "I will never forget the past or wish to put the lid on it." Of course that has mean't that I spent years (one day at a time) using alcohol as the main solution to all of my problems and was very well practiced at it including planning and justifications My best awarenesses will always have alcohol on the list and I have come to accept that, not entertain it beyond the subconscious knee jerk reaction and think that my outcomes will be different because I've had enough recovery and am cured. Like you Nancy there "comes times" and my former self says, "some things missing." Alcohol use to render me unconscious because thats what the chemical does. I never woke up tired from lacking sleep during that time. I woke up hung over.
I've had more years alcohol free and sober than I do drinking without restraint. I have accepted that I am alcoholic, the chemically tollerant type which means that there never ever was enough and I would be able to convince myself and others that since I stayed standing I was not alcoholic. The ones I carried off to to their beds or couches might have been but not me.
I remember the morning I got my 16th year chip being convinced for a moment that "I am cured now and can leave" I was facing the entry/exit to the meeting and was already standing and two God given images hit me at the very same moment. One was an icon of definance, another drunk who looked like my "risk it" attitude and the other was another newcomer who shouted, "Keep coming back". At the first one I smiled in recognition and to the other I thought, "you son of a bitch" and then I sat down again. I've never left a meeting early.
The random thought that alcohol might again be a solution to something for me is humbling and I am blessed with those mixed up emotions and thoughts that the program has always given me..."It is much better that I bow to this disease in humility and whisper "uncle" than entertain the thought that somehow I might win the fight."
I am grateful for every drunk who has ever participated in this journey and grateful also that I have never arrived at a valid reason to let another drink disturb it.
Mahalo Nui Loa (thanks much)
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 03:44:34 PM
We all have our different ways of dealing with the subject of alcohol, when we stop drowning in it, right.
For myself, at the end of my drinking career, I had to have at least 20 oz of 80 proof before 10 in the morning, my body was showing the effects too.
So when I finally surrendered, and looked back at how the Disease had almost taken my life. Within say a 6 month period, and being in a store where they had 80 proof anything, would go around the isle, then when I ended up walking down one isle one day, it was sort of amazing, it was like this botttles of 80% had these skulls and crossbones on them. For surely alcohol had poisened my body, for a long time, and to think today that I might want to have something with a skull and crossbone on it, like say all the Poisons in a Home Depot isle.
So I defintely compute in my brain, that drinking 80 proof anything would be just like buying and drinking some liquid draino.
I do believe that the Disease is always there, and doing push ups in the parking lot as we attend our meetings.
And I Pray all the time to ask God to keep those skull and crossbones on my thoughts about wanting another drink.
So we are so different, my compulsion seems so so so far away from me, but you know what Jerry, that is a very scary thought too. As in that saying, Any alcoholic will experience a desire (compulsion) for a drink, and have no Human defense against it, but we do have our HP, I choose to call my HP my God. He would be there to help fight that battle with me. God is stronger than any compulsion.
Hugs to you and thank you so much for Posting this and letting us know how you are doing.
I go through lack of sleep, it comes in waves, just finished about a month of good good sleep, starting depending on it, then I lost it, now back to way too little sleep for me, sure can ruin a day. My Doctor gave me about 3 or 4 things to try, he knows I cannot take any barbituates, or addictive anything, did not matter anyway, none of what I tried ever worked at all.
Melatonine will help but only once in a while, so I will just wait for the next wave of good sleep, hope, hope, and be sort of crabby until them. Those 2 extra hours make a world of difference in how we see the world, relate to the world. well you know that one, I am sure.
Huggie Pies, Jerry
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Tuesday 11th of August 2009 06:36:10 PM
Jerry, I am sorry, I am editing this reply because I missed how long you have been sober. For me it did go away. Having said that, I did let my guard down and it came back after 20+ years and I did relapse after a long time sober. This was all my own fault and it coincided with too much free time after a job change and not enough contact with the program and my HP. I am happy to report that the years of sobriety were not wasted because after the relapse, you have a great comparison of what a good life of sobriety is like vs. drunken stupidity. I am praying for you to get a good nights sleep! Tom
-- Edited by turninggrey on Wednesday 12th of August 2009 08:49:32 PM
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Aloha, Jerry :) I wonder if, rather than seeing this 'compulsion' as some reflection of a failing in working the program, maybe there is a reason it has not left you right now as it is working, actually, as a part of your Higher Power? Maybe you'll gain a deeper acceptance of some nature deep within you & then this compulsion will be allowed to leave? What do you think? In unity, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Danielle, that's a very interesting take on it. That we are the one's that give the thought of drinking power by our perception of it. Sort of like a little muscle ache for a long (or not so) ago injury. If we perceived as just a part of us now and nothing to concern about, it fades to just a little twinge, but if we are consistently alarmed by it, as if the injury happened last month then it's a much larger issue. Or maybe that's just my take on your take
Thanks TG for that honest support. I don't see relapses as stupid though mostly conditional. I have time and experiences not drinking I rely on that and the program to let the free thought just float by without taking it or myself very seriously. I understand what Danielle said because it is how I see it. I have not failed I am being given another opportunity to get stronger and farther away. I understand that my HP allows it without giving it. My first one was given by my Gramma and she (spouse of an alcoholic) could not have seen what was coming to me at the age of nine. "God lives in a bottle is what I thought". Other guys make it, transport it and sell it and I know God is not one of their employees. Alcohol isn't the only snake that's bit me in my life time so my recovery isn't only about not drinking. I have come to believe that my HP put Bill W and Bob S on the face of the earth because HP saw that I would eventually need to find a way back. What a trail!! I'm grateful to HP, Bill and Bob and all you others. Dean has the picture also...it is a twinge...the nerve ending isn't dead yet.
