Just trying to understand

laureaw · Newbie

Just trying to understand

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Aloha Laurie...you are neither right or wrong. You are one of group of people
affected by the alcoholic's drinking and drinking behaviors. Try these suggestions;
1. Go up to the mid direction bar of this page to Main page and click on it.
2. When you get to the main page directory in the second column from the left
and just next to the AA board which is where you are now, you will see the Al-Anon
Board.
3. Click on that and it will take you to the board on which the spouses, family,
friends and associates who have been affected by someone elses drinking and
using, go and post and discuss and sort out what you are focused on now.
4. Go now!!
5. ......actually what will work best is #1..Upper right hand corner click off the site and
that should take you to the MIP directory.

(((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 7th of August 2009 02:27:58 AM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You talked about following you "gut." I guess the question is can your "gut" trust this guy now or not? Otherwise, you are going to put yourself through hell and perhaps to a degree you are used to that from the "old days." Yes, it is true that alcoholics and addicts have a propensity for lying and manipulating...especially early on in the program before the principle of rigorous honesty sets in and we get burned enough to know we need to be honest people to be able to live with ourselves. Wanting to trust is a good thing, but it's not enough to be with someone in the long term. Trust period is what you deserve in your relationship. You can decide to trust him and you might get really hurt. You could decide not to and either end things (be hurt then move on) or live in the crazy feelings/actions/and thoughts of not trusting. That is up to you. If you decide to trust and lies keep hitting you in the face from him...I'd move on. But don't be in a relationship where your gut is churning and you are suspicious. Sending people out to check on your boyfriend is not normal relationship behavior and you don't need that drama. Regardless of what I was doing, I wouldn't want spies being sent after me to check up on me. That's just my thoughts on the matter. And yes, Alanon is really the better place to find some help here.

Halfwolf · Veteran Member

If he can't tell you the truth about where he was and then became defensive about your questions, he still needs to keep working the program.
Don't rush yourself or him.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

laureaw, sounds like he is still having some honesty issues. However, having him followed indicates that he is not the only one with issues. After all he is your "X" right? He's your X for good reasons. You need to move on. Have you asked yourself (I'm sure that you have) why you are soooo attracted to a sick alcoholic? If you don't find the answer, you're likely to end up with another, and I'll bet the your X wasn't the first. Codependents Anonymous or Al-anon is where you'll find the answers that you're looking for.

http://www.codependents.org/

Coda Characteristics http://www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php

eastcoastscott · Senior Member

Hi Laurie,

My thought is that your boyfriend has to do a lot of work ahead of him, with AA and his sponsor. Unfortunately, you are not privy to either really. Certainly not speaking with his sponsor. I think you need to give him the space he needs to get on his feet, work the program and I agree with you connecting with Al Anon for your own sanity, they help YOU understand HIM better. If it meant to be, then it will all work out. Just my 2 cents.

Scott