Relationship Issue- Part III

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Relationship Issue- Part III

Tipsy McStagger · Senior Member

It sounds like deep down you already know what you should do.

Mike B. wrote:
in the current situation I cannot stay...It would not be healthy for me or my kids. Honest, loyalty, conduct and integrity are big with me. All of with were breached.

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Forgive me if I make statements already addressed, I'm behind on the situation.

So.......

Sounds to me as if your wife has a problem with alcohol herself (gropeing men when drunk?!). Until that is addressed, like the rest of us, nothing will change (or matter to her really).

I think, if it were me, I'd be asking myself, do I really want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else? My answer, "not no, but HELL no!" And if she lost her best friend, GOOD! She got what she deserved and rest assured that's what she'll continue to get (didn't we all?).

Unfortunately most marriages/relationships usually end anyway if one is sober and the other is not. OR even worse, the sober one gets drunk again.

Is all of this worth your sobriety? AA has taught me that sobriety comes FIRST. The BB clearly says, "wife or no wife........" Without sobriety none of the rest matters anyway.

((hugs))

kj · Veteran Member

Relationships that are meaningful and reciprocal may be painful at times -- they are not supposed to hurt the majority of the time.

Many times we become the crutch for someone else to lean on when we are so vulnerable in our sobriety -- by someone who is not supporting our needs and can only see their own.

Stay surrounded by sober people --- your needs are real too. Take care of you.

MDC · Senior Member

OK, Please EVERYONE forgive me for this(it's for me..thinking about me as well as Mike"). WTF are we thinknig. I'm pretty much the same situation. The woman you love is "groping" somene else??? Does she love you??

We both need to step back and look at our relationships. Your s/o is drinking WARNING. GROPING other me (or women) WARNING. If they care so little about us, that they would engage in these actions, and we stay, what does that say about US? We are worth more than this, right?? Brother, we both know what we need to do. It's about me and you. How codependant are we anyway?

I got pulled over last month close to 100 in a 70, my "wife's" friend is a trooper, I was praying it was him...I had a loaded 40. It wasn't him, but if it was, both of our lives would have changed forever. QUIT READING LADIES!!! Lives, lost or changed for a piece of ass??

I love my wife and I know you do too, from your post. I AM willing to die to protect my wife, but NOT from her own actions. She IS her own person. You need to fix you. If you can help her, great, if not...OLBIGWA!

I hope and pray that both of can save our relationships, but we also have to be realistic. If our wives don't care enough about us to be supportive, and help us through this, where is: for better,/worse, SICKNESS/health???

The thought of losing my wife is the most painful thing I've ever delt with, but it is an outcome I have to consider. My prayers are with you.

DEAN, Sobriety, feel free to edit or delete if you feel I'm out of line.

Mark

Dave Harm · Senior Member

I battled this for two years and what I learned was that the head knew long before the heart could accept.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Thank you all for the support and suggetions. If there's others out there please post. Your not going to hurt my feelings by anything you write.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Mike B. wrote:

I thought I would write about my current situation and get some advise from you folks. My last post on the same subject can be located on 7/13/09.

It's been 3 weeks since my wife's relationship ended with her friend(Man). She said she wanted to be with me. I discussed with her what I was willing to accept to keep moving forward with the marriage(boudaries): she needs to take action to fill this emotional void in her live, we seek marriage counseling after this is started, no more groping(sp?) men when she's drinking and our lack of intimacy needs to improve. She agreed to this... 3 weeks ago..

Since then I've seen very little remorse or effort on improving herself or our relationship. She now thinks what she did was wrong, but she an independent person and doesn't need anyone to be happy??? Just the other night she was sitting in her own shit and come to find out she admitted she missed talking with this individual and was sad. Our current relationship is the same now as it's been for some time... not good.

Keep in mind; she's had an emotional affair with a married man who happens to be her best friends husband.. Needless to say, she lost her best friend...

I know in the current situation I cannot stay... It would not be healthy for me or my kids. Honest, loyalty, conduct and integrity are big with me. All of with were breached. I've overcome the financial fear by visiting a lawyer to get divorce advice. Now I'm just waiting to see if I see action to change.... which I haven't seen yet....

Suggestions?

Hello Mike!! Some rough stuff. If I were working with you, I'd ask you to read "Working With Others" in the Big Book. My sponsor has told me, sometimes I need to treat family members, kind of, the way I would if I were trying to help as an A.A. sponsor. *Not exactly, but kind of. You know what I can and can not do. I think someone has already said this but, "Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: wife or no wife..."

Then I'd have to turn it back on you. After all these things she has done, what are you getting out of this? What are your motives in staying? I, not long ago, told a woman I was working with, "this is what he was doing when you got together and you accepted it then. Why is it bothersome now?" For me, I'm wanting to change someone else. But, today, I truly understand the only person I can change is me, my attitude and actions.

I can't remember how much time you have, but Al-anon might be an option. Talk with you sponsor or someone who has been in your shoes and walked through it without a drink.

Thanks, you've helped me today!

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

I feel for you in your situation, Mike & you've had some honest feedback. Al Anon & Codependents Anon could be good steps in helping crank up your recovery & a help for you to decide what you will & will not accept. Sometimes it's about learning how to love & protect ourselves with new boundaries. When I was misbehaving in my drinking it was only my partner's setting them that taught me truly what was & wasn't acceptable though I laboured for so long to justify myself. They helped me reach my bottom, eventually. You don't need to enable bad behaviour that is not safe for your soul. Keep us posted & Goodluck, Danielle x