I'll still be the same drunk who has never truly surrendered. I'll still be the same drunk who has been incapable of living a life that demands rigorous honesty. I'll still be the same drunk who thinks people who sincerely believe in a "higher power" should all be fitted for straight jackets. I'll still be the same judgmental drunk who scans an AA meeting whispering "loooo-sers" under my breath. I'll still be the same drunk who failed to get sober countless times before...so what's the point?
I'm really doing some serious soul searching to find reasons to take another stab at sobriety. I'm sincerely trying to find a hint of deeply buried hope that this time it could be different for me. I just don't know if I have any fight left in me...I'm concerned that, on a deep emotional and mental level I've given up and accepted my fate. 'No Hopesville' is a scary town...lots of persuasive voices whispering about permanent solutions lurking down every alley and around every corner. However, the rent is suprisingly cheap :)
TM, a few less brain cells and your whole outlook will change. Believe or not, you're headed in the right direction. . Seriously, I felt the same way for the first two years. Intelligence (or perceived intelligence) works against you in this program, that's why humility is such an important ingredient. Much more so than a higher power. I personally didn't acquire much humility, but maybe just enough to get by. Deep down, you know that you must not have given this program "the old college try", and hopefully you're just getting pyscologically prepared to thoroughly follow the path.
Tipsy, Five times of referring yourself as a 'drunk' in a 4 lines. Hmmm? Isn't this how we learned as a child......by repetition? Isn't this how alot of the self help therapy tapes work? Repetion? The more you 'think'/'say' it the more you will mostly likely believe it. Breaking bad habits and replacing them with good ones IS hard!!! I failed many times to keep my quick temper in check and become a more mellow person as well as some foul language that went right along with the temper. But I never gave up!!! Still have slips on rare occasions. The point..... perhaps stop convincing YOURSELF that you are a drunk by referring to yourself as such. People percieve themselves/their lives in certain ways and at times can sabatoge their destiny needlessly just by 'thinking' this is the way it is. It sounds very simplistic, but you can change your 'fate' by 'thinking' that life CAN be good. In other words and goes right back to making choices. You have a choice to remain telling yourself you are a 'drunk' and keep drinking OR you can choose to become a Sober person that has taken measures to eliminate alcohol from his life. Keep trying AA and don't give up on yourself! Wanda
Sounds like you might be getting closer to surrender when you say you're not sure if you have fight left in you, lurking in "No Hopesville".
My smartest thinking told me my way wasn't working and maybe I needed to become dumb enough to try another way. So I guess determining our way is dumb may be one of the smartest thoughts we ever have.
I know I was one of the "hardest-headed", "do-it-my way", "F the World", people you ever wanted to meet.
Just grateful today that God gave me that moment of clarity.
Fit me for the straight jacket, not going back to drinking hell for anything.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I no for me ,,,i had to not want to not drink more than i did want to drink '' Fit me for a straight jacket , because i am hopeless drunk and no Human Power can sober me up and that includes ME
I would keep trying ,,,if sobriety was not great i dont think i would of stuck around ,,,good to hear from you .
Hey Tipsy, I think you have identified the problem with your Higher Power comment. The program is built on the spiritualism you get when you are able to "let go" of yourself and let your HP guide you. The program is successful for those folks who have "hit bottom" or somehow their circumstances have made them realize their own helplessness enough to take a leap of faith and humbly and weakly reach out for their version of God/HP and He answers. It is quietly at first and becomes stronger. My version of God understands sarcasm. My version of God enjoys an off color joke. My version of God does not have a white beard and hold thunderbolts in His hands. My HP listens a lot. When I am searching for an answer, it takes a while. It does not show up under my pillow in the morning, but may show up in something my kids say, or I overhear in the line at Hardees waiting for a Thickburger. Keep your HP simple. Don't listen for a loud response or a loud voice saying "TIPSY, ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER, OH, AND STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WOMEN DRAGGING THEIR RUMPS ON THE CARPET LIKE A DOG". The Big Book talks about the process and how it takes time. I found the "24 Hours a day" little book the most useful tool. In my case, God answered by fullfilling many of the things said in the readings of that book in small ways. Here it is online, but the book is better. http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1901 The key is to keep searching. Use the Force. Whatever works for you, but it never hurts to humble yourself before God and ask for help.
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Keep your HP simple. Don't listen for a loud response or a loud voice saying "TIPSY, ALL YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER, OH, AND STOP MAKING JOKES ABOUT WOMEN DRAGGING THEIR RUMPS ON THE CARPET LIKE A DOG".
You just made me spew orange juice all over my keyboard via my nose :)
Seriously though, all kidding aside, thank you all for the encouragement and insight. I agree with everything you all said. Deep down I view surrendering and admitting that I need and higher power to be a loss of control which would mean I'm weak. In reality the idea that I'm in any sort of control now is ridiculous. I cant stop drinking which makes me unable to stop doing things like embarrassing myself publicly or philandering or spending money recklessly or driving drunk, etc...when I'm in the throws of a binge the power greater than myself who is ruling me with an iron fist is alcohol.
I'm going to go to a meeting...I'm going to take things slow and do the best I can.
Tipsy I think you answered your whole HP question --- right now your HP IS the alcohol and now that you plan to go to meetings you can use AA as a whole, not any one person, place or thing in it as your HP until you decide if there is something else for you as a HP.
The power of the movement - so to speak - can be that power greater than yourself.
Hey TM, try and do a couple more things, that were lacking in your AA group participation. Whether that be making coffee, engaging the fellowship in extra curicular activities, committing to a home group, Joining a step group, 90/90, or picking a step Nazi for a sponsor
Could you be wrong Tipsy? Could you imagine being a sober drunk? Your post reminds me of myself...the fatalist, what's the use? And then I start projecting into the future without the experiences of really doing what the others have been doing. I use to think, "these people are crazy!!" before arriving at "maybe if I could just sit for 90 days in a meeting with an open mind...nothing else, no judg- ments, no resentments, no projecting or fortune telling...just an open mind." After 90 days I decided that what they had was better than what I had and then in 5 - 6 years I decided to really get into "their" program. Some people are just more afraid than others. Yep...I didn't drink for those years and I didn't really work the program and when I decided to work it I decided to do it my way, the slow way and to the side of the path, before finally telling myself, "What's the use. Why don't I just give up and do it the way that they are doing it and suggest?" That is when I learned the answer to the question "What's the use?".
When you run out of fight...you are in the right position to surrender to this spiritual program and stop fighting it. You have never outdistance your HP. Your HP has been doing its part before, during and after your drinking. You don't have to do your HP's part...just your own.
Your posts are lucid and imaginative and yes humorus. Might Dean's suggestion be helpful. Go do some stuff for others at a meeting, sign up for more service in a home group...do the steps with a program Nazi. That works from experience.
Hi TM, Wow, what a difference in the two, the Post from last night and your response this morning.
The last sentences from the Post of last night is something we all knew very well, that sensing of that Impending Doom, most of us here, knew that one like the back of our own hands.
That deeply buried Hope is still there, and very much alive. So good to see how just the responses from other alcoholics who have been there and done that,
Nothing really does compare to one alcoholic talking to another.
I also vote for the Nazi Sponsor that Dean and Jerry recommend, that was my cholce too, after circling the drain for 10 years, and my own Tough as Nails Sponsor made a gigantic change in my life. Still circling, but this time, not down the drain, circling in an UPWARD motion. The Steps, that I always joked about, were not Greek after all, and in doing them to the best of my ability, saw them as this large stair case, one step at a time, up and out of this Disease, ( what I meant by an Upward Circling staircase).
It became pretty simple, if I did not want to die of Alcoholism, I did the work, she made sure that I did, (knew inside that if I did not do what was suggested, she would very simply fire me as a Sponsee and work with others a little more earnest in the Program, but that was just my fear talking to me, and it worked. So I did what was suggested, like "offer to make the coffee, be a greater, and it really NEVER had anything to do with whether I wanted to, but as it turned out, I enjoyed most of these things, when doing these different things, I felt finally like I was truly a Part of the Meeting, no time to sit and make judgments. Took the cotton out of my Ears and put in in my mouth. Started leaning something, at last.
So good to see you again today. Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 29th of July 2009 05:37:32 PM
Say a thing as though it were, and it shall be.......................
You need to change the tape you are playing over and over in your sick head, Stagger. (you have passed the cute "Tipsy" point, and are now into full-blown Stagger mode).
If I begin tonight telling myself over and over and over again, and proclaiming to all of you, that I am a piece of shit and I know I am going to relapse once AGAIN, if I say that to myself over and over again, and stop finding things to be grateful for, I will use again too. Guaranteed.
Get up tomorrow morning and ask God to help you, even if you don't think He will. Then read a meditation book, or the Big Book. I know it sounds worse than a trip to the dentist after boxing 4 rounds with no mouthguard, I know a simploe prayer and reading for 10 minutes seems impossible, but just do it.
I read something in the BB the other night, in the chapter "We Agnostics".... which made me realize just how ridiculous we are when in our cups.
"To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face."...... WHY????? Jeesh, our choices were basically either be sick and miserable and alone and die that way, OR................. accept spiritual help from another alcoholic. WHY wasn't that an easy alternative? WHY did we have to mull that one over for years and years until we finally decided to do something about it?
The point I am trying to make is, that we are ALL MORONIC and insane when in our disease. So stop calling yourself F***ed up, or crazy, or a loser, or whatever else you are calling/have called yourself here. You are nothing more than sick, like everyone else here. To call yourself names and whine about your failures is nothing more than to lounge around in self pity, loving the stinking pile of poop because it feels all squishy and "familiar".
Forget the women at the bar, forget getting laid, or into a relationship, or about the bar, or about maybe just "getting some alcohol and sitting at home listening to old Sex Pistol records". Forgetting everything you THINK you know will be the best thing that ever happens to you. It was for me.
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
If I went back, it would be the same (not working out regularly, going to bars and talking to stupid people again, almost losing my husband again, and being the kind of person I never wanted to be).
I'm glad I'm different and NEVER want to go back the way it was. Now my money goes on better things (like clothes I need/want, paying my bills on time again, working out 6 days a week again, Jogging again, and going to church again). I love me now.
My husband and I are going on a long road trip next week and I haven't done that in about 3 years now, because I was drinking every weekend and never took off for things like that, because of hangovers the next morning...No More!! My husband loves me more when I don't drink. I almost lost him a few times because of my weekend binges and going out to bars/clubs. He really showed me that there is a better life out there and more things to do for fun than bars and getting drunk....
Thank you dear Lord...
Love, Peace, & God bless, Leana Jo H.
-- Edited by LinaJo76 on Saturday 29th of August 2009 07:29:45 AM
. Seriously, I felt the same way for the first two years. Intelligence (or perceived intelligence) works against you in this program, that's why humility is such an important ingredient. Much more so than a higher power. I personally didn't acquire much humility, but maybe just enough to get by. Deep down, you know that you must not have given this program "the old college try", and hopefully you're just getting pyscologically prepared to thoroughly follow the path.
