This was brought up in another thread and has been the topic of meetings I have been to. I noticed myself doing this so so much in the first few months of sobriety. I lived in chaos so long that my brain created it and still does to an extent because it is used to drama, misery, and chaos. I wanted to post about this, because I wanted other newcomers here to know it's normal, but also wanted to hear from some of you with time about how you might have experienced this and got through it. Some of you have been helping me a lot with PMs regarding this. I figured with the great feedback I've gotten on the matter, it could help others who maybe haven't identified this phenomena and are caught up in this very cycle without necessarily knowing it or knowing how to handle it.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks pinkchip. As we've been discussing on the other thread, this stuff has been really important to me as well. The penny really dropped when it was suggested to me that that is what my mind is doing in early recover (last drink for me, early May).
My take. Alcohol when running our lives DEMANDS Chaos, no rational thinking is attactive. Mellow Drama, Co-Dependency running wild, nothing real seem to go with the Disease.
It does take a while, first, the drinking goes, but the old behavior is there, reeling in our heads, we dont Know another way. But slowly, each and every day we stay Sober, things begin to look a little different.
I recall clearly sitting with my Sponsor, the one that was so difficult, we would meet in a Resturant once a week, JUST to do the Steps, and more often that NOT, here I would come, with some mellow dramatic story of my week, she would listen, and then gently say, how are you doing on the Step we are on.
We did this for almost a year, and I did begin to see, that my own ramblings were so disconnected from the Steps, and I began to believe that what was in the STEPS, was reality, not my own chaos.
Getting out that 4th Step, very difficult, for I had to stop looking outside myself but inside for the answers to the questions poised.
Then the Gift of the 5th Step, difficult also, who wants to share the secrets they were going to take to their graves, and then for the fist time, we get to really see our own humaness. And the removal of all those very Toxic memories out in the open and into the sunlight, and the horrible beliefs about myself I carried around , were gone....... forever. That was the moment I could feel God in my Life, like never before.
Then there is the absense of the Chaos, and how to deal with life on Life's terms, not too often, but still at times, I say to myself, How do normal people do THIS??
And the Gift of learning to Pray, and giving any questions, like the one above, Just Asking God to show me how. And problem goes away. Not perfectly, but reduced in size to a little spot on the radar. No Big deal.
So the answer to the Chaos lies in the Working of the 12 Steps, in Order, and with diligence.
Hugs to you Mark, Thank you by the way for all that you are contributing to this Board, it mean so much to me, as well, I am sure to all the New people here.
"If we want to keep, we Must Give it away" and you sure do that always.
"Stick with the Winners". That's my take. I started finding people who were totally anti-drama, and telling on myself to them. Sponsor, friends, etc. It hurt at times, but they started to help me see the drama-queen in me, which I did not like, which ultimately helped me START getting out of that mode. Still have a long way to go. I consider myself "new", and will still be "new" for a long time, in body and mind and spirit, one can only hope I never think "I've GOT this thing".
At times I have found that it is normal for me to repeat the same chaotic stuff over and over sober, until one day, I decide I am just "tired of the B.S. (my own usually)", and that's when the change happens. I happened to do this with relationships over and over again in early recovery. And eventually I was really tired and ready to leave that stuff alone. My sponsor always said, "When you are sick and tired of --------- (insert item)----, you will start to change what you are doing, and not until". I guess we have a whole BUNCH of ingrained habits, not just drinking.
On another note, I am still creating chaos in my own head, as far as feeling like I am always trying to "measure up" at work. Any whiff of a confusing or less-than-perfect work-day, and I am, in secret, worrying that it is my fault. This is stuff I have to constantly talk to my sponsor about, and I am really starting to see right away lately how ridiculous I can be in so many different ways!!!!
Thanks for these great topics, Mark. They really getb me thinking about where I have come, and how FARRRRRRRR I have yet to go.
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I can relate to your thoughts. Mine were the same. When i got a sponsor and started following suggestions, my thinking slowly changed. She kept me so busy, in the big book reading and doing assignments. She suggested meetings for me to attend. My sponsor thought for me for a long time and that was a relief. She guided me through the 12 steps and my life changed. Other people saw it before i did. I remember one day calling her and i told her that something was different. She ask me to explain. I told her that things were quiet and there is nothing going on. She explained to me that what i was experincing was peace, Peace that i never knew but i know today. I have to continue working the steps and if i don't my old way of thinking and living will come back. I can choose to use the steps when the old thinking comes back or i can let it be and be miserable again. Thanks for the topic. I needed it myself. To the newcomers, keep coming back and follow your sponsors direction to the best of your ability. Let someone else think for you until you can think for yourself.
