Great forum and thanks for letting me be part of it.
I've been in the Fellowship in Feb and had a had a slip while on holiday in April so that my last drink was around early May.
Things on the one hand seem good. Yet on the other hand, my clumisness, impatience, carelessness and inattention keep getting me into trouble. Just yesterday I left some garden cuttings in a bin where I thougth it was OK to do so. Now I'm obsessing that I wasn't and I'll get a fine and a criminal record (let's just say that where I live, folks take that sort of things like dumping pretty seriously). I honestly thought that I was doing something perfectly legal at the time, only afterward did my stupid mind clue in that it was not OK.
I know that I need to give time time, but if I keep making dumb mistakes in sobriety that risk giving me a criminal record for something to minor, while for all those years drinking I never had the slightest brush with law enforcement.
I'm soooo frustrated and angry with myself. I know that I won't drink on this, but so much for that. I've shared with my sponsor about this, but he doesn't really have much to say.
Any experience from others as to how they deal with really serious character defects on the road to recovery. I should add that I have not formally done a Step 4 or 5 with my sponsor.
Thanks for listening to this very dumb and careless alkie.
Just a thought, maybe doing a 10th Step....., go to the Bin, and get the cuttings back. If I was so worried, that would be what i would do.
Hope you can relax about that. Good to see you here, and tell us somemore about you, when you can, ok?
What I am trying to say, is if you have been to a meeting or plan to go to one today, and you are sober, have a Sponsor, they all is Well!, no matter what.
Hugs, and again Welcome!
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 20th of July 2009 01:07:14 PM
welcome to the board. I wouldn't worry to much about character defect now. First things first. Stay on the first step and be reading the 2nd and 3rd doing what your sponsor suggests. As far as the clippings go, be proactive and offer to pay whoever for the space that your clippings took up, or like toni said, remove them if it's not too late. You'll find that most people are pretty forgiving if you admit that you made a mindless mistake and offer to make it right. If you're not ready to do something like that, then pray and be ready to accept the outcome. I'm pretty sure that you're making a bigger deal out of this than it really is. We do a lot of that you know.
Hi there Steve, and welcome!! I agree with Dean and Toni, just do the best you can with resolving the issue about the clippings, and then leave it be when you have done your best. Not to undermine your concern, but some of us here have a "criminal record" on some very serious accounts here, and have managed to move on and live a good life despite.
As far as calling yourself "dumb". I would say that is not a very good "tape" to be playing over and over in your head. By God, if we are not drinking today, we are likely not doing HALF the "dumb" things we were then. Cut yourself a break, friend. Early in recovery, we need to look at ourselves in more positive ways. Maybe replace the word "dumb" with "recovering". We are just some people who are a little sick, who are working on getting well, and there is nothing dumb about that.
It took us a long time to get to the point where we were drunken sots with screwed up lives/minds, ready to quit. It will take a while before we get our full whits about us again. Be gentle with yourself! Try to remember that you are a success every day that you don't drink, and anything beyond that can be worked on over time. We need to give OURSELVES the same compassion we would give to a sick friend.
Take care, and a very warm and happy welcome to you!!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
You sound very much like me in my first 3 months. I am still dealing with some fogginess and that clumsy, absent mindedness that you speak of. It's okay though and I only just stopped ripping myself about my perceived character defects. Both Dean and Joni make excellent points. Right now, all that really matters is staying sober a day at a time and soaking up knowledge that the program has to offer you. It was told to me early on that I was trying to work the program too fast. I wanted recovery so bad and wanted to be on that pink cloud as they say. It took me quite some time to realize my greatest character defect was beating myself up for everything and thinking everything was my fault. Without alcohol, I became completely self-absorbed and was so in my head all the time with neurotic thoughts that you could have told me I caused 9-11 and I would have believed it. Everyone told me to be gentle with myself. I found it so hard to actually do. To whatever extent possible, recognize when you are just being so down on yourself and know it's not real and this will all pass in time if you stay sober. It will take a few more months to get to know yourself sober and you will then have a greater appreciation for what it good about you. Only after that will you be really capable of a meaningful 4th step. I still am on step 2 at approaching 10 months. There is no rush. You have the rest of your life to recover. Give yourself credit for every day you don't drink. Some of the sayings and parts of AA are meant for people who have time and they are principles to stay sober by. Not all of them are the best for "getting sober." I would latch on to these sayings for the next few months and not stress over "character defects" until your thoughts clear up some: Keep it simple. This too shall pass. Meeting makers make it. You can restart your day at any time. Your first thought is usually an alcoholic one so don't get too wrapped up in thinking. Avoid the shitty committee in your head because they are not your friend. Try not to obsess over anything. Lastly, your disease wants you to feel crappy about yourself so you can drink over it. Try not to let it win. Also, praying for the brain clutter to go away helps. Hang in there. Anxiety, and those obsessive thoughts are part of early sobriety and it will get better.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome to the board Steve and hope to see you here often,
Well, not a whole lot left to say, lol. I found that early on in sobriety, I was soooo critical of myself! We don't need to be and above all, we can't beat ourselves up. We are only human, things will get better in time and it's just so difficult to buy that sometimes. Be reasonable with yourself, stay on track and try to laugh at yourself whenever you can.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Dear all -- first things first: thanks for a warm welcome. You guys have already put a smile on my face and made me feel a trillion times better.
Yes, I guess that I'm being way too hard on myself. Even if the worse happens, I would just pay the fine, apologise and disclose the conviction truthfully and live with it.
I guess that deep down I still think that I need to be perfect and that I shouldn't make dumb mistakes. Part of it is my intolerance of imperfection, both in myself and others. It seems that it would be obvious to lot of other people that they wouldn't do that, it wasn't obvious to me: I guess that it just reinforces my own instinctive thought that I'm a worthless idiot, so different from everyone else. My disease yelling at me!
Lots of helpful suggestions on here. I guess that in the end, it's best that I just turn it over my HP and accept whatever outcome there is with rigourous honesty. I think that making an offer to fish the stuff out would probably just make things worse -- and there were a lot of cuttings in there already, and I think that it was garbage day today anyway.
It's a commercial dumpster, set in and among recycling bins. I phoned the centre and sounds like they didn't even know that people were putting clipppings in there (I put mine in there b/c I'd seen others in there and I honestly, but foolishgly thought that it was part of the recycling thing). They said thanks for letting them know, they would deal with it. Maybe they'll put up a sign or lock the bin now. Some outcome.
If they really have spies, busybodies writing down licence plates, etc. then, you're right, I'll pay the fine, apologise and move on.
Steve, glad you are feeling better. One things about going to meetings...in 10 months worth, I have literally heard other people share "I found out I have cancer today" "My mom died" "I got fired am going to be on the street by the end of the week" "I found out my husband/wife was cheating on me" "I am going to court tomorrow and I might have to go to jail for 6 years" Knowing this, it does help me see that my problems are typically pretty small today and my higher power does NOT want me obsessing, worrying and wrecking myself over anything. I noticed that while you listened here and felt better, you still leaped into labeling yourself with another character defect. Take it easy please please please. Start with your character assets right now. Yeah, we ALL have hard core stuff that was driving our drinking behavior so long. You don't need to figure it all out right away. You are a fine and worthy person just as you are (to my best knowledge). Acceptance is the answer. You won't be able to let go of any character defect while you hate yourself because your mind is locked on how bad you are and you won't recognize the flip side of the defect which is likely one of your assets. A desire to be perfect is so common and on the positive side it creates a striving to be the best person you can be. I have that too. I wanted to be the perfect sponsee and perfect AA member and to an extent, that worked in my favor because I haven't relapsed yet. And in other areas of my life it makes me detail focused and helps me get things done. But, I need to cut out the ways it hurts me (unrealistic expectations of self, downing self, getting disappointed with others when they don't praise or recognize me...), while keeping the ways it helps me. After that, the desire to be perfect just becomes a desire to be the best I can be. Anyhow, I hope you can stop the self-attack machine. It just hits me hard to hear it because I have done it so bad and for so long without realizing that just going easy on myself was the best thing I could have done.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks pinkchip for your kind and really insightful comments. They have made an affirmative difference to my sobriety today. Until you pointed it out, I hadn't even seen what I doing.
I'm really taking board what you've said and I am going to remind myself of that when I start to get into a blue funk spiral. :)
" Even if the worse happens, I would just pay the fine, apologise and disclose the conviction truthfully and live with it."
You brought up the word Conviction, and in the state I live in, California, to be procecuted and convicted, of just about anything, FIRST there would have had to be a sign above the Dumpster, that read something like this, "Warning: It is unlawful to dump yard clippings in this Dumpster, Violaters will be Procecuted" Exactly like a parking space, if the owners of a particular shop, have some parking places, and don't post such a sign, then you can ONLY get a parking ticket, you cannot be towed, unless there is a sign stating that you will be towed.
You did so, and innocently, and then what you wrote about Perfectionism, that was a tough one for me, I had to rid myself of those perfectionistic standards if I wanted to live freely and without constantly being way too hard on myself. Don't know how I grew it, but I knew I had to dig it up, and throw it out, yep, into a dumpster,
Wish so much I had kept a small article I once had on the Principles of Perfectionism. and how when we as humans try to live up to this utterly impossible standard, it is only to keep ourselves in a hopeless, never can win place, once again, proving I am just as worthless as my own deep seeded emotions are about who I am.
Then comes the Program, and learning all about our own humanness in the Fourth Step, putting it all down on paper, and sharing with another, in the 5th Step. We get to be free at last of this sure fire way of keeping us forever down.
You sound great today, and happy that you are just trying to let it GO,
Dear Steve, it is so good to see you in good spirits today! And that you recognize that you are a worthy person and you are OK for today (you do, don't you?). Next time throw the clippings in the toilet. LOL Kidding.
Have a great evening!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Good topic to bring up, I think there is more to this than just grass clippings.
I kind of recognize the things your going through.
Looking back, I think I did a lot of dumb stuff early in soberiety because maybe subconsciously I was used to turmoil in my life, my M.O. was if things are going good I need to get drunk and sabotage my life.
The good news is you're not drinking, you just need to get OK with the lack of caos that comes with paying attention, staying sober and doing the next right thing.
It took me a while to learn how to handle a now managable and good life, and learn that it is Ok to have good things happen and today we don't have to screw things up.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Just wanted to express a bunch of gratitude for this understanding and support. Lots of stuff to work with here. And good point Jonjon 1. ;) Doing so next time will save me a lot of pain! ;)
Toni: I'll try and find that article Principles of Perfectionism. Sounds right on the money.
Rob84: I agree that there may be some subconscious stuff here. I've had turmoil and mental anguish in my life probably for all of my 41 years, or certainly for as long as I can remember: fear of basically everything, self-loathing, wanting to fit in and be liked but never connecting, afraid of saying to people, trauma at the thought of failing/things going wrong so never trying, procrastination, terror at being "found out", sense of imminent impending doom, the works!
I guess that my head's pretty used to it after 41 years and it doesn't want to let it go yet and it's telling me that. Funny, b/c I was feeling really peaceful just prior to that (in fact, that's why I had the confounded things, as I was doing yardwork, something I hadn't done before on a voluntarily basis, ever).
Rob's point is smack on the money. That has been a topic in meetings I have gone to. We are used to living in chaos and we create it when there is none (in early sobriety more so of course). You aren't alone steve. I still fall into that ripping myself trap, but now I see when it's coming, when I'm doing it, and I know it's BS and to really try hard to stop doing it. I had to seek out therapy because the self loathing thing was so intense and it hit hard at about 2 months sober when I felt I got smacked in the face with my character defects. It hit me hard that I wasn't really able to take care of myself, I was deathly afraid of being alone, I was basically a scared little boy about everything. I kind of feel like I progressed from being a 5 year old emotionally and now I am like a 10 year old lol. Progress, not perfection.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
but I knew I had to dig it up, and throw it out, yep, into a dumpster,