Gratefully still sober. I have been selective about sharing with those around me about the new life I'm leading. I would NEVER break the anonymity of another member. This is my question. I have friends who are pestering me about where the heck I've been lately, and why I am not returning calls. I live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else in much less than six degrees. At work in the restaurant, I'm "just not drinking right now", and that's working fine. I told one friend right off the bat I go to AA and she's never brought it up again, and that's fine too. My mom and husband are very supportive, and I only share a little as I feel protective about the changes happening and I think they will speak for themselves. For example, my mom keeps suggesting I take credit for making the changes, and I've decided against pointing out to her that I now know I have absolutely no will power around alcohol, and it's by the grace of my HP and AA that I don't drink. I can just forsee judgements about AA that are not helpful to me, as I'm new to the program and not prepared to explain and defend AA. Of course there's no need to defend my sobriety all. So, I have another friend to whom I've just not mentioned the "no drinking" to and he hasn't said anything so far, since I've been careful to avoid any regular drinking places and activities. I said I wasn't drinking anymore to a few others, and maybe out of shock I got, "Oh, that's nice. Sooo what do you think about them Yankees?" The hard part is that I feel pretty much like I used to imagine what being "born again" to a Christian faith would be like, and it's the most sane I've felt in forever. I would love to shout from the rooftops how great AA is, but then I'd really scare everyone and maybe end up in the looney bin, for being restored to sanity, joyous and sober, that would be a cruel joke.
I tend to be direct and honest, so when I finally call a few of these friends, it will be hard to be casual and say something like, "Oh I've just been busy lately, you know, making mud pies and stuff."
What has been other people's experience?
Stick to the "just been busy not drinking and doing other things"? Don't mention AA unless they drop that they are a member? On this note I just found out that the fellowship has CODE language! Like about Bill, and the stickers. (I've remembered now that I always wanted to belong to a secret society- but was scared they'd be creepy or negative.) At my last meeting people shared cool experiences about connecting anonymously with the fellowship.
I tend to be direct and honest, so when I finally call a few of these friends, it will be hard to be casual and say something like, "Oh I've just been busy lately, you know, making mud pies and stuff."
What has been other people's experience?
Keep in mind that anyone that it would be hard to explain to (that wouldn't understand not drinking) may not be someone that you should be hanging out with. Ocassional drinkers drink just on ocassions (weddings, new years...), social drinkers drink at social events maybe a dozen times a year. These people wouldn't think twice about not-drinking or you not-drinking. They question of your drinking would'nt even come up. They might notice a change in you and ask if you've lost weight or something. If someone is pestering you about your not-drinking then it's just part of their obsession with alcohol. The restuarant biz is full of alcoholics, just like the construction trades. I had a difficult time after work each day turning down offers to drink. I finally became self employed and didn't have to deal with it.
Personal anonymity is a personal choice. I've never been very anonymous as I figured that most people knew that I had a drinking problem, so I used the "alergic to alcohol" excuse due to heriditary reasons (2/3 Irish, 1/8 Native American)
Likewise, never been that good about my own anonymity. I would say for the most part keep doing what you are doing because it's working Angela. You are naturally pretty humble which is a great thing. It is a freakin miracle that some serious time has gone by now without you drinking and that's what matters most. Once some more time passes by, you will instinctively know how to handle the situations dealing with others. That is what it states in the promises. Part of you will want to share with a few people because part of AA is spreading the message to the still sufferering alcoholic. It just takes time to know how to go about that or whether to do it actively at all (other than by just being an example). I am still very much learning myself when to keep my mouth shut about things, so I think I lean in the opposite direction as you. I don't shout it out at work, but all other therapists know I'm in recovery largely because I had to ask for schedule changes to make my meetings daily and I just couldn't find it in me to make excuses. Either way, I am amazed at what you have been doing and you sound great! Keep it up.
Love,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Angel, just remember this nugget that my sponsor shared with me (i tend to compare it to those who brag "i pay my child support" or other such nonsense. Fool, you're SUPPOSED to pay your child support. And i know this isn't 100% accurate, because those who love you WILL pat you on the back and say "good job" ... i think he meant your old drinking buddies in saying the following): No one will pat you on the back for being sober ... BUT, if you tell them you're in AA and you relapse, they WILL point and say "AHA! i KNEW he/she couldn't do it!"
For those of you who don't know, this is my second journey into AA ... the first time i had a lot of people who knew about my journey and they would continuously tell me "good job" or "wow, that's great" ... and i felt TERRIBLE because i didn't want accolades for doing something with the help of AA that i couldn't do on my own. i still feel that way, and that's a PERSONAL choice.
In other words, i didn't want all kinds of praise for doing what i should have done in the first place.
Anonymity should take hold in the realm of interviews, public speaking, that sort of thing. Don't go shout from the rooftops that you're in AA in a public place, because should you relapse, you hurt the "idea" of AA in the minds of the still suffering alcoholics. Don't go out and appoint yourself "Spokesperson" for AA.
Telling your friends and neighbors is a personal choice, and by all means, is encouraged so you can get support and feedback.
Oldtimers, please slap me upside the head if i'm wrong on any of these points.
-- Edited by joelo on Monday 20th of July 2009 10:35:33 AM
Whatever feels right for you to do regarding your anonymity TODAY, just keep in mind that your thoughts about it are likely to change over time. This is an evolving recovery, we go through phases where we are more guarded, and less guarded.
At some points in time, I did not want to talk about AA or how long I had been sober, because I was afraid that I would sabotage my sobriety, i.e. "shout it from the rooftops", and then end up drunk and embarrassed. I think a lot of the time I was just "afraid" of what peoples' reactions would be. (at jobs, etc...)
Lucky for me, as far as family is concerned, they are the ones who GOT me going to AA. I consider myself lucky in that respect, as there is no need to explain anything, and they would probably kick my butt if I WEREN'T going. LOL
Just follow your sponsor's suggestions, as she porbably knows you better than any of us, per perhaps even better than you know yourself (I know mine does).
And whatever you choose to do or not do, you are SOBER and that is something you can feel great about, whether in private or out in the open.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Meh, I can't keep track of who knows and who doesn't so I popped out of the closet altogether! It's much easier on me now, everyone who loved me then still loves me and I get nothing but encouragement from everyone else. I never defend, promote or even mention AA come to think about it, I guess I just assume people figure I belong. I don't know why I thought people were so interested in my biz anyway, lol I go to AA because I want to and I need to, nothing else matters.
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
My sponsor suggested that telling others your "not drinking" is fine, I think she recommended leaving AA out of it, but that ultimately it was up to my own good judgment. I think not making a point of mentioning AA aggressively right now makes sense. Remember, I live in small, actually really small fairly isolated town. Local AA's have mentioned that there's no totally classified secrets around here, but as was pointed out above, people care less about one's business than you might think. Just today, I was about to enter the AA "house" for my meeting and I ran smack into a friend, who said, "you going in there?" So we'll see I guess.
Mark, thanks for the kind words and reminding me just how much has changed already.
Dean, I feel in good conscience I have to set the record straight, No one has pressured me to drink so far. I stopped hanging out with my hard drinking friends last year for the most part, because I was concerned with the alcohol. But....Then I continued my hard core drinking alone at home in earnest. There are some others that I don't drink with any more, that's been OK mutually. It looks like the drinkers don't miss me that much.
My friends and community members are upset because I don't return phone calls-I have kinda been MIA outside of work, I'd rather be here messaging or at meetings and taking care of daily business. However, it's becoming hard to avoid everyone indefinitely, specially b/c of the small town thing.
Went to an employee party with alcohol, kept it short and sweet. Played sports, ate the grubbin'food and left promptly, but I don't plan to tempt fate soon because I also tried having dinner with a couple of others who drank some beers -not a good idea. Of course I had to see for myself and I did learn my lesson. It put me in a funk, don't think I'll try anything like that any time soon. The restaurant is definitely dangerous territory, it's good you noticed. I have made my workplace situation a focus and my sponsor and I talk about it regularly. In a weird way, it's helped me recognized the sickness symptoms, it's front and center for me, as a bartender and server. I actually have to try not to be overly preachy to customers who want to drown the sorrows or some such stuff. Inside I just want to tell everyone to go home and make love to someone or themselves instead of drinking another shot...
Great to hear you're doing well. It sounds like you had some friendships as most of us do, revolving around drinking, real friends and most people will not care is you drink or not, I came to realize it's just not a very important topic unless they are problem drinkers or Alcoholics themselves, true friends will respect your decision.
I was lucky nobody really called me much my 1st year (advanced grace), but I remember being worried about it.
I say tell them whatever you need to so you can stay sober, if you're sober you can always work on your honesty later (LOL), if your drunk you have no chance.
It will be a great feeling when people start to notice the positive changes in you!
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Hi there, i've taken my time telling people, but it's not in my nature to keep things to myself - especially the good things in life!
I have chosen to tell my close family anda few close friends, but not the whole world, the biggest surprise for me - after the initial wow-really they've not referred back to it, Ali x
