Struggling To Survive

Heaja13 · Newbie

Struggling To Survive

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Hello and Welcome Heaja13. So glad you're here and so glad you've attended some A.A. meetings. I know I could not have stayed sober this long with out them. I attend at least 4 to 5 meetings a week. And when I'm not in a good place, I've been known to attended 2 or 3 in a day. I attended meeting everyday until I had about 3 years.

One thing I didn't read was that you had and were working with a sponsor. Another must for me. Meetings, a sponsor, and the Steps have saved my life.

I'm sorry your boyfriend has chosen to drink again, but we are powerless over him. And yes, I still have a lot of yet's left, especially if I pick up a drink again and if I didn't die right away, I too would be in that bed. I was almost there when I was lead to AA. Liver is good now and I'm very thankful. I hear thats a very slow painful death.

I pray you continue to go to meetings and get a sponsor, if you don't have one. The struggling will stop when you surrender. There's a saying around the rooms here, surrender to win.

I needed to read what you wrote. It took me back to a place I don't want to be again. These crappy little things that have been bugging me today are just not important anymore. Thank you!

-- Edited by Jane05 on Saturday 18th of July 2009 07:49:51 PM

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to MIP, Heather. I'm 32 & got sober aged 29. I can't & couldn't stay sober without the steps. In fact, I couldn't have any sort of peace of mind without them. I need this fellowship, I need meetings, I need to stay in touch with the literature, speak to my sponsor & ,of course, work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability everyday or I know I will drink again. I will because I know like you I have an alcoholic mind that will always tell me that a drink will help me feel good & let go into a sense of 'ease & comfort'. I also know this is a lie & would be a very short lived relief for what it's worth. I am alcoholic & for me it is simply too high a risk & cost to pay. I know the physical aspect of this disease will kill me whether sooner or later. I have to take care of me spiritually, emotionally & mentally so that I don't have to take that first drink again. This is where the program gives me a defence against drinking today & I wouldn't be able to do this iwthout it. My slips in early recovery told me this.

I also had to take A.A. seriously for myself. I had a partner when I came into recovery & there were times when I was challenged when hhe relapsed. I had to keep my focus on me & stay committed to my desire for sobriety. I knew this would waver at times as living sober was a new experience for me but I learned to do whatever was necessary to stay sober & I did not want to end up back on Day 1. Six months was a tough time for me as it was my first sober birthday & the Big 3 0! But, I won through with love & support from dear friends around me. There were times I really would have been unable to do this & I had to keep reaching out. We don't do this alone, Heather. We do it together & we do it for ourselves. We help others when we can & we do it 1Day@aTime. That relationship came to end & I stayed single for 18 months concentrating on me. I'm with someone else now who is also in recovery & even now I have to be extremely careful to put my Higher Power & Sobriety first as without this I have nothing to build anything else I'd like in life.

I hope you'll keep coming back to MIP & sharing your journey with us. I would suggest getting into service at meetings as this helps me & my commitment when otherwise I might risk complacency. Whatever you put into A.A. & your recovery you'll have returned to you in dividends. Find yourself a female who you can trust for a sponsor & who works a good program. She will share herself with you as you travel through the steps. When you have a good grounding in the program you will gain an emotional stability & hope that no drink will ever look more attractive than. This is worth it. Stay strong & let your sobriety come with every effort you're willing to make. It's good to meet you. Godbless, Danielle x

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Heaja, First off..welcome to MIP! You pretty much told my story right there, even though I'm sure we are different in some ways (one with me being a gay man...but that's inconsequential here lol). I was with my partner for 7 years. His drinking landed him in the hospital because I had to commit him when his drinking was spiralling out of control and he tried to commit suicide. At the same time, he was passing out randomly from ultra high blood pressure, he weighed about 350 pounds, his blood sugar was over 300. At the time, I had been "dry" for about 4 months on my own. I told him if he came back and started drinking, it would be over. He got home and started drinking within about 2 weeks. I then decided I wasn't having any fun in the relationship. I didn't know how to put up with things. I was scared crapless to leave him. So...I picked up and those 4 months went "down the toilet" as you say. In the process of going out after that, I wrecked my car...he wrecked 2 cars...I started drinking every day instead of every other day... So, what I did was leave the relationship. I had to in order to get sober. Much as I wanted to do it together, it wasn't going to happen and time had shown that to me. We triggered the worst in each other and were not able to be supportive to each other any longer. While I did crash my car drunk, I never had a DUI, I never was in rehab, and I was never court-ordered into AA. I started going on my own...knowing I needed to change. My relationship behavior is very tied into my drinking and I do still have codependency issues that are slowly lessening over time. (yah...new boyfriend whom I have gone back and forth with exerting old dependency crap which he doesn't put up with and then I realize it doesn't work anymore for me anyhow). I still have a large fear of being alone, but AA has helped that a lot. I would not have 50 phone numbers of peers in the fellowship had I entered into the program with my partner. I would not have taken on service. This journey in AA started with me alone and, though I hated hated hated life at the time, it's gotten better. Only you can judge if your relationship needs to end. Mine did in order for me to get sober. I should have had a DUI in that 3 months of drinking. A cracked up car, a dismal relationship, and feeling like I was totally friendless, empty, and worthless was all I needed for a bottom. I wanted to die and I think that is where most of us hit regardless of what external or health consequences were going on. The health issues, court problems, and DUIs are waiting for me if I go back out. I know that because the last time I went out, my drinking took off to new levels of recklessness that were so scary and it happened so fast that I cannot predict at all what would happen this time other than it would be really ugly. Your post says you are struggling to survive. You don't want more bad things to happen to you in order to HAVE to go to AA. You are already at the point of wanting this change really badly. I guess what I want to say is things will work out and the answers will come to you if you stay open minded and keep working the program to your best ability. You are going to be okay as long as you keep paying attention to your own positive instincts (the ones that got you into the rooms to start with) as opposed to the diseased thoughts that have taken you out). Keep coming back here and letting us know how you are doing.

Mark

Dodsworth · Senior Member

heaj- way to go for getting back on the horse. that is the most important thing about your "Story". I relate with how your thinking, what your thinking. I had 4 months of sobriety and went back out June 12. Getting arrested or going to rehab didn't jar me enough to quit and stay quit. I'm searching for that willingness again, and its hard. So, hold onto your willingness, and store any gratitude and keep it up.

kkotz401 · Senior Member

Welcome to the board. It is good that you realize your drinking is a problems. Things will get better.

cajunhorn · Member

Heather, give this a listen and tell me what you think afterward...

cut and paste in your browser:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/aa/single-speakers/mark-h/mark-h-nefotsportland200932.mp3

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

cajunhorn wrote:

Heather, give this a listen and tell me what you think afterward...

cut and paste in your browser:

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/aa/single-speakers/mark-h/mark-h-nefotsportland200932.mp3

cajunhorn just add [/url] behind your link and [ulr] in front and it will make it a hot link.

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/aa/single-speakers/mark-h/mark-h-nefotsportland200932.mp3

edit: by the way, do you only listen to speakers that introduce themselves as "recovered" yawn

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Monday 20th of July 2009 04:03:55 AM

gioconda91607 · Newbie

Hi. I am new to this board.

I've tried AA in the past, but have so much fear. I'm afraid of strangers & very shy. I've been raped a few times & the victim of a sociopath/sexual predator who had escaped from a hospital for the criminally insane, so my fears of strange men are not irrational.

Part of me believes that my addiction makes up any excuse in the book to keep me away from AA. I tried outpatient rehab once, and lasted only 2 weeks. I have zero emotional support, almost no friends, no local family, and live in one of the loneliest cities in the world [LA] where people spend hours driving around alone in their cars. You might see a friend in person once a year. I've been dealt some rough cards in life, but that's not my excuse. I still love life, and believe there is much beauty in the world.

I desperately need help, so I've come here. I know 1 person who died of alcoholism last year, 1 who died from combo of alcohol & Vicodin addiction a few months later, and another who OD'd on heroin & died after 14 years of sobriety. My neighbor's son, 19 years old, suffered a severe burn when he fell asleep against a heater while high, and OD'd and died from heroin on January 3 of this year. 4 deaths.

Do these tragedies make me quit drinking? No. I've never been able to stop for more than 23 days, which I managed when doing daily meetings. Unfortunately, I met some very charming men at a party where I was sober who dragged me right back into drinking & cocaine because I was so very lonely, and really desperate for some friends who could make me laugh. Those me are long gone, one went to rehab and got sober, but lives on another continent.

I know the mind plays tricks when one is in the throes of addiction. I've managed to kick heroin [25 years ago] cold turkey, serious cocaine addiction, and not touched drugs for years. Why I can't kick alcohol I simply don't know.

Thanks for letting me post. This is a great site, and is giving me some real hope. I plan to go to a meeting tomorrow for the first time in years, and give AA another try. Please pray for me. I don't want to die of cirrhosis. I am filled with fear.