My wife and I are in the middle of a criminal case against her sperm donor (i.e. father) for molesting my wife, her sister, their cousin and three years ago (although we just found out last year) my daughter. The SD (Sperm Donor) is out on bail and is living in my brother-in-law's house (while my brother-in-law is living with my wife's mother). Yesterday we had a meeting with the District Attorney and it seems that the charges against him from my wife and the other two women are going to be thrown out due to statute of limitations. This being the case, we may be forced to put my 7 year-old daughter through a trial.
Last night we met with my wife's mother, her brother (the brother-in-law) and gave them - for the first time - a descriptive account of what the SD did to my daughter. We were immediately met with "Well, when could i have been asleep and he did this" and "When was she ever at Mom's house?" ... in other words, DOUBTING my child's story. But ... it gets better. We were then told by her brother that "Mom can't TAKE going to court next week, she's too weak and that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you guys" to which i replied "Must be nice to have the LUXURY to shut this out and pretend it's not real. Your daughters don't have the OPTION to not face this."
Her cowardice is ... i don't have a word bad enough to describe it.
This woman INFURIATES me ... the denial and lack of action is reprehensible. i have SO much resentment built up inside for her and my wife's brother ... and i'm just not ready/able/willing to let it go right now. i read over and over as i am on step four right now that i need to forgive ... or, at least be WILLING to do so. Neither is in the cards right now.
Thanks for listening ... that's my little slice of Hell.
Joelo, I'm so sorry for what so many in your family have experienced. I know what a life sentence such abuse can be. I was interefered with at the age of 12 by my uncle & it left me with confusion, emotional scarring & a pretty bad obsession of self pity & anger for those instances for about the fourteen years that followed until I got counselling, picked up the phone to said uncle, told him how it had been for me & asked the questions I'd always wanted the answers to. He answered all honestly with quiet regret, acceptance & understanding for how I'd hurt for all those years which went some way to me finding a healing which my program has helped me to progress with when I got to my Steps.
For me it wasn't what happened with my uncle that caused the most damage, it was the reactions of my family when it came to light. My Mum had experienced much abuse herself from various family members & I only found her sympathetic in the first instance were I made a recorded interview with the police that she was witness to. He was arrested & my Mum also questioned but my case was 'thrown out' of court too for a lack of evidence. I was 16 by then & living with a foster family two bus rides away from my old family home. I can't remember why I didn't push it any further. I guess I just wanted the whole thing to be over & I hated the conflict in my family.
My Mum felt torn between me & her brother. She still had contact with members of the family who had abused her so I guess mine was no special case. She said to me many times that I had to get over it & move on, put it in my 'shitbox' & get on with my life. That attitide continued until recently when all such upsets were revisited again for me when I did Jury Service & heard a case for child sex abuse of a 6yr old who was coming to trial aged 9 to give evidence by video link against her father. She was treated extremely well with gentleness & even when questioned by the defence she answered difficult questions with considered & self respecting responses. She showed a great maturity for her years & was being supported by family around her.
I was deeply hurt by my family's seeming lack of care, belief & compassion for what had happened with me. In time I have learned that sometimes it is just too much for some to take & they simply do not know how to respond. What has brought me the most resilience has been the support of some very close & important people in my life like my sister, my sponsor & friends I have. The whole journey has been a complicated & heart-wrenching story but today I have healing, acceptance & forgiveness for ALL those involved, their actions & responses. It isn't any easy path to walk but the fact that your daughter has your full support will help her so much. Your wife can find peace in time too but right now I can empathise with how much you must hate & angry for what those interefered with will & have gone through.
My program helps me, with so much love & compassion & responsibility for my own reactions to forgive. I can never change the past. I was able to share something of my needs with my Mum were I explained that all I'd like from her was for her to listen to me when I needed to talk. She doesn't have to fix anything or even say she's sorry for anything just to please not reject or tell me to shut up or that any of my responses are 'wrong'. All I'd love would be for her to listen & be present with me without argument. To just be here & support me when I want to share with her. I felt she understood at last & she began counselling herself this week so things will improve.
I can't write much more right now. I know what it's like to live inside a fragmented family affected by abuses such like these but we always grow & strengthen from these experiences too, Joelo. I know you're hurt & angry right now. What's done is done & there will be trying times ahead but you will come through them. All of you. I can see that because your love & care will prevail & help those you love so much. Pray for your hurt & anger to be removed though this will be a process. Your focus will repeatedly turn to how you can be loving to those as needed. You can do this. Thankyou for sharing here. We do all this together xx Danielle xx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Just wanted to say that I can relate to your story and well my situation is a little different but simuliar.
And well if I may say that well for whatever reason on your mother in law if I got it right is in DENIAL or it could be that she can't understand the situation in front of her and doesn't want to believe it's happened.
I will be praying for your situation and hopes there's some sort of resolution that could come of all of it, and maybe some counciling could help for all involve. It's understandable how you feel rite now and well your feelings of resentment, infuriate will evenually turn into a positive for your daughter and wife.
As much that you feel Ticked off right now, well I just hope that you well be able to be supportive of your daughter whom I'm sure is full of insecurities right now and hope that your wife may help your daughter pull through this unfortunate act and grow from it.
I have to remember for my daughter... And give the best advice to others whom been in a similiar situation. And still going through the legal channels, to make sure problems like this are prevented for anyone to go through. As much as it angers me to have to show or feel resentful, I have to ask my Higher Power to help focus my attention in being supportive to my daughter and anyone else that going through the ordeal to let them know they're not alone.........
as Sobrietyspel said your focus will repeatedly turn to how you can be loving to those who need it.
We are here for you, thanks for sharing.
Tina
-- Edited by Tina on Thursday 16th of July 2009 02:56:44 PM
Your daughter and your wife are taking the right steps to not be victims any longer. It sounds like you are in a spot of ultimate chaos because you are trying to protect both of them. It's not necessarily your job to protect your wife and guide her. However, with your daughter, that is a completely different story. I think the more you stay focused on your daughter feeling safe, loved, and protected, the better. She can't really see this rage because it will confuse and hurt her more. Also, people are going to be trying to get her to remember and talk about things that happened when she was 4 years old. That is going to be really difficult and confusing. Stay the course with pursuing the charges, but try and let the consequences and the punishment rest with god... So hard, but that's all you can do and what will allow you to do it is your love for your daughter and wife. Remember to frequently ask how they are doing because they are the real victims here and it will take the focus a little bit off your own anger. Again, I could be all wrong here, but thats just my take and I don't know all the info. I am hoping you get through this difficult time and don't let your anger overwhelm you. Prayers for you and your family.
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Here in support. You can come out of that hell anytime you want to. We don't have the luxuries of our resentments and I found out why for me. My resentments had the same physical, mental and emotional power over me as my drinking. My justified resentments "owned" me just as solidly as booze did. You do know what you are doing having admitted to "not being willing". That is both eggshells and broken glass for my soul when I proceed inspite of awareness. Alcoholics are described partially as risk takers. I never succeeded with risk taking especially with my drinking as it progressed into toxic shock events. There is no luck in luck when the consequence is more risk.
Felt your Post to the core, and yours as well Danielle, I spent 10 years of Therapy, for severe PTSD, and it was the most difficult work I have ever done.But today now I see this 10 years of difficult work, as a wonderful God given Gift, that I was, by the Grace of God, allowed to go through.
With that said, I have a couple of comments as to your words, on the Issue of Resentments, no way around this one, Joel, they are Luxuries that we simply cannot Afford, the price is tooo high, and agree with Jerry, walking on Glass. Seeking help out side, a Professional counselor, or a Minister, anyone that will assist you in DI- FUSING that rage. Critical time to do this, my opinion only.
Also share 100% of what Pinkchip wrote, You are the Port in the Storm for your daughter, and your wife, strong steady, calm, head held high, gentleness is what they need and being that strong Port in the storm will help them both feel safe. And the gentle asking asking daily how are they doing. Sounds soothing from here.
Hope you are feeling a little better now, and have you some other resourses to go and get some help with this anger.
Saying Prayers for you Joel, and you dear daughter.
With my Love and Prayers to you.
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 17th of July 2009 10:12:20 AM
There is enough hurt, grief, crime, and unfairness with all that has gone on in this situation already. If that woman does not have the capacity to deal with this right now, nor the guts to do so, so be it. At least SOMEONE is taking on this task of seeing to it that justice is served.
My mother in law pales in comparison to yours, as far as being "un-frickin'-believable"..... but the best thing myself AND my husband could have ever done was to press "Control Alt DELETE" where anything regarding HER has been concerned. And all matters of our life have gotten better in her absence.
Good luck to you all, and prayers going up for some real justice to be served, whether that is handed down by the legal system, or in a "good old fashioned way" down the road......
Take care and God bless, and may true healing come quickly to all victims and loved ones.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Luckily we broke ties with her "mom" and the Sperm Donor YEARS ago ... but SOMEHOW, one time he got ahold of my daughter long enough to do some icky things to her.
i am working on becoming WILLING to forgive her, but that also comes with the stipulation that we will have NOTHING to do with her. My wife, children and i have done fine without her ... and we will continue to do so.
On the subject of resentment, several of you said that it is a luxury we cannot afford ... is that text/idea from an AA publication? i would love to read that if it is. i fully understand what you are saying, and i am working feverishly to rid myself of it as soon as i humanly can.
Meanwhile, please know my anger and resentment is in my heart, and is NEVER displayed to my daughter - but my wife and i share the sentiment quite readily. i am IMMENSELY proud of the COURAGE, FORTITUDE and STRENGTH displayed by my wife and daughter.
THEY are my heroes ... period.
On the subject of anger, i cannot win on this subject. Half of my friends say "If he had done that to MY daughter, i would have KILLED him" (in other words, "you seem to calm ... why aren't you angry ... etc.) while the Mother in Law and Brother in Law, and some relatives, have been led to believe that i am an angry, controlling person. The fact that my wife pulled away from them and refused to go to family functions SURELY must be because joel is controlling her - poisoning her mind against us.
Argh!
Well, enough purging for today. God bless you all.
Your wife has her own brain. Probably in some ways you are controlling and of course you get angry about some things. What is important is that, even if those are character defects of yours, that doesn't mean others are feeding off of them and unaware of them. Your wife knows you better than anyone. She probably knows you can be controlling and angry at times, but over all, that's not who you are. Anyhow, Joel, I think forgiveness is something you are not gonna achieve at this moment with all that is going on. I would just pray for the seething anger to be removed. Not everyone deserves immediate forgiveness and you have to let the situation play out and you and your family get to a more stable point before true forgiveness is going to be possible. I think it's good to be aware of your own role. Likely you are just like everyone else...not perfect. You sound like you are doing really well under the circumstances and I credit you.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
On Resentments and why they are a danger to all alcoholics, Resentments are referred to as the number one offender, this is in the Big Book, or possibly in the 12 x 12, I am in huge hurry to get down to San Diego, or I would look it up for you.......... In one of those books for Sure!
On the topic of forgiveness, we Forgive, we do this for ourselves ONLY, not the pertatrator.
Will write later, when I get back home. Feeling for you at this difficult time.
With Love and Prayers, and one Big Hug too, Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 17th of July 2009 11:54:05 AM
and the 12 xz 12, was sort of rushing, but could not find, then I went back in and Searched (typed in) AA Big Book - on Resentments, am sort of rushed, so I did a seach on the subject, heres what I found. Date: Wed Nov 14 6:47 AM, 2007
Jus use the search button, type in AAs view on dealiing with Resentments. that should take you right to that page. It is in the BB several times.
Hope this helps. Hugs, Toni
PS, if you cannot locate it, I cut and pasted the whole thing on a word document, I could send you that, if you dont find it right away. ok??
Hugs, Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 17th of July 2009 05:48:46 PM
From page 66 of the 3rd edition of Alcoholics Anonymous: "It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, the business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. and with us, to drink is to die."
My sponsor taught me that when I find myself holding a resentment against someone, I am to pray each and every night for two weeks. I am to pray for that person for the things I wish in my own life like serenity, love, and the goodness of God.
There have been times the first several nights it just sticks in my craw and takes everything that I have to pray for those things. I don't even mean it when I say it initially. I keep doing it, night after night for two weeks. It has never failed to move me past the resentment.
Also on the subject of forgiveness, forgiving is not to be confused with necessarily letting the other person back in our lives. We must be prudent and wise with who we allow within our lives. Forgiveness simply means I have relieved myself of the poison that is within in my heart as long as I refuse to forgive.
I am sorry for the pain that this man has caused for loved ones in your life. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
It's a fine line to walk. If someone slaps me in the face, I'm not going to automatically go "I forgive you" and "I feel sorry for you." I will be angry at the person and have resentment for a little while. That is human. I let go of it when it's no longer serving any purpose (ideally). Initially, resentment will keep me away from people that will hurt me and that is protective, but after a while, yeah...it becomes poisonous when it's clear I am only hurting myself with it. I guess what I'm learning now is resentments turn into boundaries if dealt with appropriately. Forgive, but not forget.
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