Awesome question and one that all of us have asked. I've heard it mentioned several times over the years that people can go to meetings for a full year before speaking. In my opinion, listening is more important at the beginning, it allows you to get a feel for the format of meetings, the people and personalities involved, topics etc. You will never be "expected" to speak, nobody will push you in that direction. If someone asks if you would like to "share", simply tell them that tonight you'd rather just listen, totally your call. They have all been there, they understand. As you become more comfortable with the group, you may decide to share, this is on your timetable, not theirs. Hope that helps.
scott
PS.....by the way....welcome to the board, lol
-- Edited by eastcoastscott on Thursday 16th of July 2009 09:52:09 AM
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I did not say a word for many of those meetings, in the first year, when they ask if there are any "Newcomers in the Room, anyone with under 30 days, then they will add, this is not meant to embarrass you, but so we can get to know you" you have every right to just do what feels comfortable, If you choose not to, that is also completely acceptable. When sitting in an AA Meeting, absolutely NOTHING is required.
The amazing thing about AA, is that no one is judging anyone, we are there to keep our drinking problems away, and the participation of just sitting and listening is just as valid as someone that shares something.
After you have been to some, you will be able to see all of this. The smiles are are genuine, and everyone is so honest, you will notice the lack of BS, from the very beginning.
And what another member wrote about, telling your husband, when I first told my husband, he did not know anything about AA, and he said, you dont need to do that, just control how you drink or stop before you get drunk. A lot of spouses dont understand, just as we dont understand. Not to say that your husband might be in complete support of you going. You know him, I dont.
This all takes time, Ann, and sounds like the idea of going to AA does sound pretty scary, and you are not alone, just about everyone that ever walked thought the doors, did so with a lot of FEAR. And also the Compulsion (the Disease itself) will try to find any excuse to not go.
So hope we see you here soon, and you can tell us how long it took for the knee Knocking to go away, (just being silly, I use that term for being really scared of doing anything).
Ann, the only thing you should have to say is "Hi, my name is Ann ..." and if you have the courage to, complete it with "and i'm an alcoholic."
Then, listen and speak only when you feel compelled to speak.
Involve your husband, let him support you ... find an open meeting and go together. My wife's support has been invaluable to me ... i can't imagine walking this road without her.
Some people are hard core about newcomers NOT speaking in meetings. Or out-of-towners. I came across a meeting in FL that had an unspoken "no tourists" rule. There were perhaps 25 people in the discussion meeting, and the chairperson would not call on me even if I was the only hand raised, instead picking someone else out who hadn't even raised their hand. Most - no actually ALL meetings I've been to out of town have been far more accommodating to the out-of-towner, up to and including inducing me to even run the meeting (once in California) and to be the main speaker (again in CA). I just won't bother to go back to the one in FL, there are plenty more. Very odd.
Anyway, if I had not been able to speak in my early meetings, I probably would have stopped coming around. Not that I had anything inspiring to say - of course I didn't. But I still needed to say it, and you all put up with me. It's something I apply to each and every newcomer who comes in the door and wants to talk about his problems. Of course he does! Maybe sit down and shut up is what some people need to hear, but not me. Oh yeah, certainly I can take a joke and give one... but in my first weeks in the program, I wasn't in on the jokes and if somebody told me to shut up, it wouldn't have been a joke. Thankfully, that did not happen - I was welcomed with open arms, and you all listened to my problems and complaints and theories with patience and tolerance, and let me figure out for myself that I was full of shit instead of rubbing my nose in it. Because you guys talked about yourselves, and how you thought and what got you here, and how you changed. That's how I came to believe - not by being told to shut up.
Some people are hard core about newcomers NOT speaking in meetings. Or out-of-towners. I came across a meeting in FL that had an unspoken "no tourists" rule. There were perhaps 25 people in the discussion meeting, and the chairperson would not call on me even if I was the only hand raised, instead picking someone else out who hadn't even raised their hand. Most - no actually ALL meetings I've been to out of town have been far more accommodating to the out-of-towner, up to and including inducing me to even run the meeting (once in California) and to be the main speaker (again in CA). I just won't bother to go back to the one in FL, there are plenty more. Very odd.
Barisax
Hey Barri, what you experienced was a controlling person leading the meeting and nothing more. It didn't have anything to do with FL or that group's group conscious decisions. I've seen it in a few different meetings and states. It is rude and when I see it happening, I just introduce myself and start sharing without raising my hand, then after the meeting I usually talk to the meeting leader and tell them that I know that they were just trying to have a great meeting but not allowing people time to volunteer to share gives the wrong perception.
Most of the time the people were unaware that they were shunning people and we're more concerned with filling the dead airspace, as if somehow it was reflecting poorly on "Their" meeting. As for a "no tourist policy", I've been going to meetings for 34 years now and most every one has asked, in the beginning of the meeting, if there were any out of town guests that would like to be recognized. That's seems to be a pretty standard practice and included in most meeting formats. It's in every local meeting here in the Tampa Bay area that I've attended since '87 when I first began visiting this area. Email me when you're coming to town Barri and I'll make sure you get some air time
Likewise here in Ft. Lauderdale. Every meeting starts with "Anyone at their first meeting? Anyone visiting from out of town? Anyone coming back to the program? Anyone new to this meeting?" Of course, Ft. Lauderdale has been a major tourist destination for eons so I think it would be futile to try and stop visitors from speaking.
About necomers sharing in meetings....Barisax just stated exactly my sentiments without me opening my mouth/keyboard for once. Same exact philosophy, same exact experience here.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Same experience as the Florida guys here at my meetings in the UK. I've seen guys from San Francisco, New York, etc. introduce themselves at the London meetings that I go to and then share in the raised voice sharing.
For me, that makes me love the fellowship even more, as when I'm a bit further down the road of recovery, I want to travel again and do meetings when I travel. Especially when I go back home to Vancouver, BC at Xmas! :)
Hey Barri, what you experienced was a controlling person leading the meeting and nothing more. It didn't have anything to do with FL or that group's group conscious decisions. I've seen it in a few different meetings and states. It is rude and when I see it happening, I just introduce myself and start sharing without raising my hand, then after the meeting I usually talk to the meeting leader and tell them that I know that they were just trying to have a great meeting but not allowing people time to volunteer to share gives the wrong perception.
It was a bit more obvious than even that. I did introduce myself as from out of town when they asked at the beginning, and got the usual welcome, etc. It was a straight up discussion meeting, and I was sitting almost directly in front of the chairperson - not like he could have missed me. Halfway through the discussion I put my hand up, and he called on someone else, no biggy, but after about the 5th time when there were no other hands, and he picked another person at random, I gave up. Talk to the chairperson after - why? What am I going to say, wah wah you didn't pick me? I've seen some wacky shit over the years, and I just chalked it up to one more. I've seen power struggles between the chairman and one or more people in the meeting, but this was in every other way completely normal - the meeting progressed, this guy just pointedly and blatantly ignored me. Then after the meeting, he shakes my hand and says "come back again some time". LOL.
I've been to meetings in probably 12 states and two countries, and I've never had anything quite like this happen, but I have been to very few in FL. This was on the east coast BTW, not Tampa. I mentioned it when I got back home, and several folks said "Oh yeah, some meetings down there have a 'no tourists' rule". Which I took to mean, you can come to the meeting and listen, but not talk in a discussion. Whatever. I never heard of it either.
That happened some years ago... I think maybe in 02 or 03. I've been to a few in the area since, but not back to that same one. It could have been a chairperson's policy not to let a visitor talk, or the meeting's policy - it should have been obvious to them that the guy waving his hand repeatedly wasn't aware of the policy... LOL.
Like I say, I've seen some weird shit over the years. Try some of the meetings in the heart of Hollywood.............
