My name is Ann and I am an Alcoholic. I am hoping today is my last hangover. I am disgusted and ashamed with myself. Last night while my husband was at work I drank an entire bottle of wine plus Vodak. I hid both bottles and can not only find one. I have looked all over the house and I can not find it. I hope my husband does not find it. I will be so embarassed.
I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I say I am not going to do this again and few days later, it happens again.
I'm afriad that when tomorrow comes, I will think "I don't have a problem" once again. I'm afriad when I go out to dinner, I'm not going to be able to say no to having a drink.
I am looking for support here - that is why I have come to this board.
Have you ever been to an AA Meeting, if not, and dont know where to start, i would suggest you look them up in the phone Book, call and talk to someone about getting to a Meeting, today if at all possible. The people on the AA phones are always extremely helpful.
Dont know what area you live in, but in most cities they have them all over.
So come back please and let us know how that goes. It might feel scary if you have never done this before, but the fear leaves very fast, with the smiles and the encouagement I feel certain you will find.
That was a very big step you took today, I got the feeling from your words that you just dont want to live like that anymore, and that admittance that you are alcoholic, is actually the first part of the 1st Step.
The Great News is that this is a WE program, I recall the feeling of coming out of a life of utter despair with the drinking I was doing, and just like you I thought I was hiding it from a spouse, later found out I was the only one I was hiding the drinking from, if that makes sense, turning to AA, and the Meetings, there is a new life waiting for you, a chair that you can call yours, everytime you sit in it.
So very happy you Posted this, and Prayers are going out that you will get that phone number, get to that meeting, and watch the Miracle of Sobriety unfold.
Many Hugs, and again Congratulations on that decision. And that worry about what will happen tomorrow, will I make a decision that it is not that bad, and drink again.
That is exactly where the AA Program can help, your above words are the words of thousands of Alcoholics, for years before they finnally surrended to the fact that they had a Disease called Alcoholism. It is never about will power, it is really about SURRENDERING to the facts of this Disease, if left untreated, will turn into a life threatening disease, just like all life threatening diseases, like cancer.
We can go into Remission from this disease, no medications required, only going to AA Meetings, listening and following their suggestions. This Program really really does work, and hope so much that you will find yourself in a meeting before that "next" day comes with the thoughts of it "Not being so bad"
Looking forward to seeing you here, again, soon.
Big ole hug, Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 15th of July 2009 06:59:58 PM
Ann, First off...welcome to the board. The things you wrote were pretty typical of things I have heard both men and women share in the rooms. The hiding bottles thing is one that is extremely typical of all of us in our drinking days. It's painful when you are living it, but people in meetings now laugh at how crazy we acted trying to cover our drinking tracks when we really weren't fooling anyone. I think you have reached some great insight and it sounds like you are in just the right spot to go to a meeting. It sounds like a frightening proposition, but AA is not like what you would imagine most likely. Like any group, it's a fellowship that helps each other. That's what Toni is referring to as a WE program. One of the best places to start sobriety is with honesty. I wouldn't say you have to...but I think you might feel better if you tell your husband about your ideas and that you want to stop and are ready to try AA. Ideally, he will support that and not tell you that you don't have a problem. Either way, you know you do or you wouldn't have posted here. My only point is that our drinking often went from a fun social thing to a horrible shameful behavior like you described (It was the same for me about drinking alone at times and trying to hide it). Your recovery doesn't need to start in secret. Those days can be over starting today. While you might feel scared about changing your mind, the best thing you can do to ensure that you don't do what you wrote about is go to a meeting as soon as possible and just keep going. It's just a leap we all made and I can say FOR SURE I felt better after I did it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcom to the board Ann. I've been where your at and can totally understand how your feeling. Like it was posted already, you took a big step toward what could be a very satisfying life of sobriety. Get to meetings as quick as you can, and find a sponsor who can help you along your journey. Remember, you only have to choose not to drink just for today. I wish I could tell you that it's going to be an easy ride right from the start, but rest assured it does get better, and is so very worth it. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and wish you nothing but peace and strength.
I've been where you are right now and for me it only got worse. I got to the point I didn't care if anyone knew what I was doing. By this time I was a 24/7 drinker and could not not drink and I didn't want to. I was also looking for ways to get out of this world.
If you're really sick and tired, and I pray you are, please get to an AA meeting and get a Big Book. It was suggested I start with Chapter Two (There is a Solution) and the next chapter (More About Alcoholism). Today, I'm a very grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I read in the Big Book everyday.
A.A. has helped me to get a life, a good life. Please let us know how your doing.
-- Edited by Jane05 on Thursday 16th of July 2009 08:52:11 AM
First of all, it is so good that you are reaching out to those in AA here for help. I hope you find some face to face help through AA meetings soon!
Also, if I were you I'd make sure that you didn't put the "missing bottle" in your car somewhere, for legal reasons! I know I have done some crazy things before, trying to hide my drinking.
Just know that if you stay sober, you don't ever have to worry about hiding anything any more. It is a good feeling, and YOU are eligible for these good feelings as well, just give this sobriety thing a try! It will not let you down!
Hugs and welcome, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I hope you do what ever it is you need to do for yourself. I am newly sober, almost 2 months. It's not easy, however finding AA has been an amazing blessing full of the possibility of joy and peace that previously I never thought I would attain in this lifetime. I recomend going to meetings as soon as possible. I had so many ill-conceived judgements about meetings and have found so much that is wonderful and truly helpful in each one, even if I didn't realize it immediately.
