Look for guidance/suggestions. I wrote about my current relationship with my wife back on 7/2/09, titled: "Relationship Issue; what to do?" Different subject, same wife.
About 4 months ago my wife confessed to me that she was talking with a friend(male)of ours and they became each other's relationship sponsor so to speak. They both discussed their relationships with each other and tried to help each other. This is their story. All of this done secretly. Well, my wife got caught and our friends wife who is also a good friend of ours found out and layed into my wife. They are no longer friends. See where this is going? I used the program and held tight to see it through and take one day at a time. This is a miracle; in the past I would've layed into my wife and probably started something with the other male party that would've gotten me in trouble.
Well this morning my wife told me about round 2. She got caught again. They've been talking more than ever and the wife saw a text message from my wife that said, "I miss you". She was livid and called my wife and they had round 2. Once again all of this done secretly. My wife apoligized and said she loves me and feels bad that her life is now turning downward. You know; the morning after guilt and remorse. Sorta like the hangover. Emotional hangover?
So I ask her where this is going? She says she doesn't know. They are just talking friends. I ask her about an affair with this individual? She said no. They talked about it but said it would really screw things up...... Is this a problem that they even talked about it?
My wife is a nurse and always had to care for me. Now, thank god and the program; there's no longer a need to care for me. I can stand on my own. She's obviously getting something from this. Does she rely on this help for her self esteem? Co-dependent?
Not sure what to do here? Honest is big with me. The program has instilled that with me. It seems like the only time she's honest is when she gets caught. Is that really honesty? It appears my love and tolerance of others is being seriously tested. I also know I no longer am to fight anyone or anything... Waiting for god to reveal the outcome....
Have you ever seen that Movie, When a Man Loves a Woman?? This is a great and very realistic look at what happens in a family or to a couple when one person that has finally admitted to being an alcoholic, and goes for treatment. In this case the alcoholic was the wife, but I think it would not matter. What it really goes into is the confusion of the Spouse and how the spourse feels so disconected from her life, with the wife having all her Support, and he is left out in the "cold" so to speak, until someone leads him to Alanon.
I have a question, is your wife and is the man in Alanon, if so they form relationships with the opposite sex too, just as we do, with people of the opposite sex, true friendships.
Alanon people need support, just like we do, and get in our meetings.
Shoting in the dark here, for I dont really know the answers to those questions I asked.
But I do highly recommend you might want to watch that movie, especially the last half of the movie. Very real adaptation of what the spouse goes through emotionally and pychologically. This stuff takes time.
My own husband went through exactly the same feelings of feeling left out of the loop, so to speak, and eventually did go to Alanon, but did stop, he just used to get irritated every night after dinner when I would gather my stuff and say be back by 900, and off I would go to an evening meeting.
Hey Mike, I think that reguardless of the outcome, you have to be the new sober Mike. You already seem to know that is your destiny. Will she be there with you in the end? I hope so if it is right for you. I have to say that many times when we are drunks we pick people that condone that lifestyle. When we are sober, we start to see a lack of integrity in the partner we chose because we have committed ourselves to brutal honesty. If you are willing to try and make it work I really think it is the right thing to do. Did she have an affair? You more than likely will never know if she did or not. Does it matter if she gets on board with your new life and again becomes the woman you love for the right reasons? My take on that is no, but that is just me. I am sorry you have to go through this, but your reaction to it is inspirational!!! I see the courage and discipline in you and I am awed. I think she will see it as well and her whatever guy will dissappear. Prayers to you. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Buy read and study the book, Not Just Friends, forget the authors name but IT is going to be very good for you And her. This author is incredibly ON TARGET. Also, find a marital counselor. Marriages have timely/cyclical events in them, and some authors that have studied them well can give you some help. Just about everyone faces these things at about the same time in the cycle of marriage. It will take you both time patience but the love that you once had can become something more. but not without a whole lot of effort in both arenas.
I've been in a similiar situation. To me though, and affiar does not mean a sexual relationship.. one can have an affair on an emotional level, worse than getting physical, to me...It doesn't mean that the relationship can't be saved, but you both need to be honest about where you stand. BOTH of you. I am suppose to be her best friend, not another guy. (It's hard to be a friend at all when drunk.)
I don't know if my marriage can be saved, but the approach I'm taking is: #1 fix ME (If she doesn't want the new and improved me, someone else will anyway) #2 work on ME (if I don't, I will die a drunk.) #3 be honest with ME ( I need to know who I am and where I stand.) #4 Be patient with ME (it took a long time to get where I am, It will take time to get better.)
#1001 everything else.
So far things are slowly improving, I'm still with my wife..."dating." Things are better than they have been for a while. I try not to expect too much. I do know that, if things don't work out the way I THINK I want them too, I'll survive and be a better man for it.
Take things slow and enjoy life, one day at a time.
Wow, I think MDC had a terrific reply. And I agree about the fact that it does not take being in someone's arms to have an affair. From my own experiences too, it is awfully hard for a person to BELIEVE that their spouse is not "messing around" physically, when text messages like "I miss you" are discovered. I have been through this, and it is horribly painful. I did not WANT to know, so I made excused FOR my significant other. But in his case, he was indeed screwing around.
People can suck, all in all. I know that my husband is a good man, and we are getting along better than every lately, but that he might do this again always sticks in my mind. I have my recovery, and my dog, and God forbid anything else happens that would break my trust, I would have to go (actually, HE would have to get out of MY house). But I am trying to live in today, and today is ok for us. That's all I have, my recovery and my pup, TODAY. And all in all, that is a hell of a lot better than what I had while drinking.
Take care and I will be saying a prayer for you. Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
"Relationships..." great post and great subject for open honest discussions. I like the feedback you got here...all of it. I've never seen, been in or heard of a perfect relationship. As long as it is about human beings I have great justification to drop the "perfect" thingy. Like Mark offered, it is the program for me also. When I got into working it the first relationship I had to improve was the relatiionship with a power greater than myself, myself and then others in that order. What I have learned in both AA and Al-Anon I get to keep myself intact while it seems to me that others are showing signs of cracking. I agree that affairs can be and are at times non-physical. I need to keep hold of my fear system which includes all sorts of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and the like which make the real or imagined affair something it might not be. Open, honest communications are not reserved for between my sponsor and I only. It is also a sign of courage and trust in my recovery. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I like what you said Mark (MDC), you've come a long way man! Mike, I have no idea where your situation is going but if it were me, being totally honest with myself would be the ONLY thing that matters. You are not able to change anybody else's situation but you can change the way you react to it....ie: whatever it takes to remain sober! Keep posting thru this, it will likely help.
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Thank you all so very much... I love you guys/girls.. This program is amazing and the only thing saving my butt at the moment. With people sharing their ES&H and the program instilled in me, I'm able to better handle this situation.
