Went to my home group last night, a BB study, and we were reading Bill's Story.
We were then talking about detox, and PAW and stuff afterward. I remembered and told how last week I had almost passed out at work, during a surgery, due to anxiety!!! (PAW??)
I had been put on a desk position for 6 months, and then moved back to clinical stuff and minor surgery assistance, as it became obvious to my boss that admin. work was killing me. (keep in mind that I had thought the stress of the desk work was causing me some problems.)
Well, I had not assisted with a surgery like that in some time, and the other day I was not in the best form, just a little anxious that day, and i was goofing up left and right while were removing a skin cancer from a man's neck. I forgot something, and the Dr. mentioned it, and then after I forgot something else, I started to secretly fall apart. I then broke sterility, and had to re-glove!!!!! I started to feel like I was burning up, and I sweated profusely, and was feeling clammy like I was going to pass out. Thank GOD I DID NOT. But afterward, I went to to the restroom, took off my mask and face shield, and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked a wreck!!
I stopped the doc in the hallway, and told him I was not going to assist again until I "got it together", and got back in practice. Then a co-worker said to me, "Joni, get back in there and do the next one. Just relax, breath. You'll get through it."
I did just fine in the coming days, and feel back on track. But I sure wanted to "run away" from it that day. Glad I didn't.
Anyhoo, I was talking about my reaction to the anxiety of feeling incompetent that day, and how as I stood there the whole thing snowballed into some serious panic. An older gentleman whom I love and respect at the meeting approached me after the meeting was over, int he parking lot. At one time, this man, a PhD, had been the educational director of the treatment center I was in years ago.
I knew that he had been also addicted to a substance I had (in addition to alcohol), and he told me that it took him 3 years to fully start to move out of the Post Acute Withdrawal stage. He told me that I had made the right decision, when I said I was going to let my doctor know about this. He gave me a pat on the back, and said I was a "good kid", and that he was proud of me.
It felt so good to have that kind of almost paternal-like support from him. I really think that in the past, this type of thing would happen to me over and over, and I would just push it aside, and forget about it, until I drank eventually. I know better now. Ask for help. Step back and take a breather when needed, and do NOT keep it hidden.
Thanks for listening. Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
So good to see you here. Anxiety, panic, not fun to say the least. But it makes sense that if you were doing something serious, like assisting with a Cancer patient and made a mistake, it would happen to most of us. If we dont catch ourselves, how easy it is to get back into that "less than feeling" like a trigger. We all make mistakes everyday, that is a given, but you were just feeling uneasy on starting over, and wanting more than anything to not make a mistake.
So happy you got some good support from a man that you trust that shares our disease, it makes all the difference, right.
Bu what occured was not fun, so hope that you will gain all your confidence back that you had, before you left that very job.
A big hug and thanks for sharing what turned out to be a good day after all, right.
Wow, awesome post Joni, truly powerful. It really makes me think that I just have to experience life on life's terms....while sober...in order to fully understand myself. I always believed that if I cower away from things and avoid sometimes living outside of my comfort zone, I will never learn the things I need to in life. It's always about coping skills and trusting in a HP. Takes some pile of effort tho, lol
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Joni, this post is getting at some things that I have really been focusing on the last month. I have been experiencing an increase in anxiety and I didn't really know why. I've been doing all the same things with going to meetings, calling my sponsor, thinking about stepwork and putting it off (lol on that one, but serious). I'm really on step 2 and have been reluctant to work on it because my ideas about a higher power keep shifting all the time. I thought I had it when I wrote about that "roller coaster analogy" a while ago...but that feeling of God right next to me didn't stick. Anyhow, I sat back and thought about what are all the things I am still afraid of. Otherwise, how do I still live in fear all the time? I came up with so much. Here's a snippet of the realizations:
I am fearful of:
Going crazy Screwing up at work (probably relates more directly to your post) Not having approval from my boss (probably relates to your post) Not having approval from my friends Not having approval from my peers Not doing a good enough job at work (probably relates to your post) Not taking keeping my apartment clean enough Not being a good son, brother, uncle
Moving up to the most serious fears which are:
Not being loved Being alone Not being able to take care of myself Relapsing
I recalled that I heard someone with 20 years sobriety tell a story about how she was afraid of flying and was told by someone else that she was not living in the moment or 24 hours at a time because the person asked "Are you flying now?" and she said "No." Then the other person's response was that she was really just projecting and anticipating the fear of flying by building it up to be that way in her head. So she took that to mean that she never really has to live with fear and anxiety of things yet to happen because that is letting your fears win, not being in the moment, and living a life that we don't have to live any more in AA.
So...I ask myself about all the fears I have. Am I literally crazy right now? (No), Am I being a bad coworker, son, brother, uncle right now (no), Are my boss, peers, friends telling me I am a big screw up right now (no...and in fact even if they were that would be their opinion and not mine necessarily)...leading up to Am I really and truly "alone" now (no, because I have people to call and I can pray to God at any time...I don't need to be with another person constantly to not feel alone). Am I unloved (No...people do love me and the truth of the matter is I don't take stock of it because I am often too worried about being unloved to even notice). Am I not taking care of myself now? (No..I am doing everything I can to learn how to take better care of myself), and lastly Am I relapsing right now (NO and I have 280 something days of not doing that now to know I am doing pretty good about that one).
So basically all my fears are pretty ridiculous and I can answer back to each and every one of them. Even if it is a somewhat legimate fear, I'm not typically not faced with it at this very moment, so why am I afraid?
I am now systematically praying to have these fears lifted. Praying hard like I have never done in these 9 plus months because I thought the prayer thing was mostly malarky. It is helping. I don't have to live in fear any more and I don't have to let these neurotic thoughts rule me all the friggin time to the point that I live in daily pre-panic or actual panic mode.
All these things kept me thinking I was a huge screw up, would never be able to grow up, I should hate myself and drink away those intolerable anxious/fearful thoughts. So I am praying to be free of this and will keep doing so because I am as sick of these thoughts as I was of drinking 9 months ago when I stopped.
Thanks guys and gals for letting me share what I am working on and learning in recovery today.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Pink, you could have been writing MY thoughts and feelings right there in black and white. We truly, as alcoholics, suffer from the same maladies. No doubt about it. Fear of not being good enough, period. And taking so much stock in the "outer" stuff, the approval of others, and with me, there is some sense that I am always trying to "look the part", when it is totally unnecessary, because I AM the part now.... I AM that person who is worthy, who is successful to some measure, who is talented and lovable, responsible, etc.
I have a broken thinker. It always reverts to the negative. To the worries of the future, and away from the blessings of the present.
Staying in the moment is the biggest challenge, in my opinion, because it is from that "future thinking" where all my fears start. Plus, I am constantly battling the inward belief that I am still whatever I was when drinking. Which is not true. I am the hardest person to convince that I am really living a good honest life and doing the right things (for the most part). Every one else in my life can see it and point it out, but somehow I am stuck on this perception of myself that I would do well to let go of. Steps, steps, steps. It has seemed, at times, almost foreign to me to NOT be finding fault with myself and worrying about this or that.
The program tells me that this stuff arises from a failure to have Faith that my Higher Power is going to continue to take care of me, and continue to improve me and my life if I keep on this road I am on, and when I think about it, it is rather silly to think that my HP pulled me out of the gutter and did SOOOOO much in my life already, and now has left me to my own devices for the rest of the journey. LOL For me, it is all about learning to let go more and more and more.
I hear you being concerned that you have not "pin-pointed" exactly what it is that this HP of yours is. Are you trying to "define" your HP? I had found that instead of trying to define my HP, which prevented me from moving on to Step 3, I simply came to believe that there WAS one, and that it was ok for me to have no clue as to what it was, but that there is one, and that I could give myself over to this "something" without having to figure him/her/it out first. I don't have to find him/her/it in Step 2, all I have to do is open my mind to the idea, and then the rest of the Steps will take me there to him/her/it. Today at work things were SOOOO "normal", busy and tiring, but very normal, and I had no worries about anything really. Blessings. As I grow in recovery it is easier for me to "dial-back" from the kind of episode I mentioned above, and move on. This is possible because there is time and the Steps between me and my last drunk, and a whole lot of sponsoring and counseling thrown in between there. LOL
Hope all are having a great evening, and will have a restful weekend.
Love and hugs to all, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
