Today was a strange day. Had plans, was invited to my Son's new place, was looking forward to seeing him, and a friend, also cannot wait to see his new place.
He is an ER doc in the field of Pychiatry, and had at the last moment pitched in for another doc, who had his own family emergency. So, this stuff happens a lot, so no big deal, but was really very surprised at my very inmature response on the inside. Thank goodness it did not show. Plans were changed til tomorrow.
I have always been such a big fan of the 4th. Parades, friends, BBQs, good food, and to stay home on a day like today, have to laugh now, cause when I made myself a good lunch and decided to just watch 2 DVDs that a friend had given me, in the back of my head was this dialogue, on the one hand there was this dissapointed childlike person, and on the other hand there was this other part of me, battling with "Why not just grow the Hell up" haha. Thank goodness it only lasted about 35 minutes, but it ruined the first movie, and was exhausting. It stopped when I realized that my mind and my thinking process were the problem.
So I stopped the movie, went into my bedroom, where my meditations tapes are, and layed down for about 20 minutes to clear my mind. Now I am ok, and also am about to make a brief Gratitude list. Then just start this 4th of July all over again.
Thanks for reading this Post, dont know why I wrote it, but I did. Maybe just to show that time in this Program sometimes (like today) does not mean much. Sometimes it feels that way, but I am sober, and did not think of drinking, really never do, but that does not mean too much either. We can have emotional relapses also. But it is what we do, to take action against bad thinking.
Toodles all, and if you want to share how you spent this wonderful 4th of July, it represents so much, like the independance of not living as a drunk, and for that I am always deeply humbled to my HP that I choose to call God, and to you and the Fellowship.
Big ole Hugs to all,
Toni, full of a lot of Baloney today!
-- Edited by toni baloney on Saturday 4th of July 2009 07:45:39 PM
Happy 4th all. It was fellowship tonight. Meeting, then walked to the beach to watch fireworks with sponsor, grandsponsor, and great grandsponsor. It was the first time I'd seen the real fireworks in years. If I saw them in the last 6 or 7 years, I don't remember, so while that is kinda sad, I feel pretty happy that this year I remember what I did on this holiday. I truly truly can't remember a 4th of July prior to this (except from like childhood) because July 1 is my birthday and then July 4th right after would always equal a weeklong bender. Independence from that is an awesome theme.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
The 5 year old in me can come out loudly. The foot stomping, breath holding little brat. But like you, lately, not many have seen or heard her. The Program is in me, today, and I know what I'm doing, so I enjoy it until it becomes painful and then make myself take some action.
I could probably write a small book of examples since I've been sober. lol This may sound funny, but I appreciate that 5 year old, she teaches me so much. Seriously!!
Toni, I have to re-tool my Holiday Plans constantly, as my hubby's work takes him away anywhere, any time. He was hoping to show up at my sponsor's for her cookout, but alas, work came calling and he could not get away. But I brought him home some burgers and weenies and apple pie from the picnic, and he was satisfied (at 11pm... lol).
Today we were going to cook some steaks out on the grill for our own little picnic, but alas, he is now on his way to North Carolina to pick up a vehicle belonging to one of the Cleveland Indians major league baseball players, as well as a UHaul full of the player's belongings, and transport them back here to Ohio. So I threw the steaks in the freezer for another day. I sure was looking forward to a steak, as I have been off red meat for the most part, but it will have to wait.
I have had to get used to this, and after a few years of getting steamed when this would happen, I woke up one day to the fact that this is the nature of his job, and it is not about me. If I really want to ensure that I do not spend Holidays alone, I have to make an effort, which sometimes involves either just getting to a meeting, or calling up my sponsor or another sober person in advance. Other times, I just enjoy the peace and quiet of a Holiday.
My husband loves his job, as I am sure your son does, and I know you must get a great satisfaction with what your son does for a living. How wonderful that these men in our lives have gainful, and satisfying employment! I digress now..... LOL
I hope you get to re-do your holiday today, and that you have a terrific time! And as another person here with a 5-year-old inside that rears her cranky head at times, I just wanted to say that I understand!! And I think you really did a great job of turning it all around with your time of meditation. You really have some great tools in your toolbox, and I am glad you share those with us!!
Love, Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
The Program is in me, today, and I know what I'm doing, so I enjoy it until it becomes painful and then make myself take some action.