Hello, I'm brand new here. I have a little time sober (5/12/09) but am also dealing with my marriage ending shortly after my sobriety date (5/21/09). My hubby is also an alcoholic and he left without explanation 6 weeks ago. He's now in another state 1000 miles away.
I have attended a few Alanon meetings, but they generally do not discuss the other person. I know that my main focus needs to be my sobriety, but I'm also trying to figure out how to deal with the abondonment issue. If anyone has experience with being abandoned - I mean literally left with no warning and I haven't heard a word since the day he left - after becoming sober, I would appreciate any resources that they may have found. Please don't flame me on this subject - I've already heard that what he does is none of my business. However, when what he does turns my life upside down - it is definitely my business.
The steps and tools of AA have been a Godsend and have helped me stay sane (for the most part...ha!) I believe it is a miracle that I would find AA before my life was truly shattered and my reality was blown to bits. According to his family, he's in a recovery program; however, knowing that AA requires rigorous honesty, it's hard for me to believe that a person can work the program and not offer any explanation or communication to the spouse that they left. Just trying to get as much understanding as possible.
Men are such children. I think I can say that with impunity since I'm a man Hoping the best for you both, and welcome to this place which I have discovered is usually a lot less flame-like than most internet forums - as long as I don't use my flamethrower! I like smileys. Seriously, I am very sorry to hear about what happened - I don't know how I'd deal with it. I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings myself but it just messed with my mind too much, already having to deal with new sobriety at the same time. So I screw up once in awhile and say stuff to my wife that I shouldn't say. (We've been separated 10 months, she is the one who left, and I just realized that I actually don't want her to move back in now while she is still drinking.) Maybe what happened is really for the best, who knows. Just keep going to meetings (might wanna try out a Women-Only meeting if it's available) and other than that I unfortunately have no words of wisdom, just a <<< hug >>>!
Hi Cindy and welcome to the forum. I also experienced a separation at the beginning of my sobriety. Unfortunately she moved in with her boyfriend and my 2 year old son about 5 blocks away instead of dissappearing. If you stop trying to find him, physically or mentally, he will contact you. He is the one with the problem here, not you. Don't let it get it to you. Wish him well and use this valuable time to work on yourself. Turn it over to your higher power and think that if it's meant to be, it will be.
Hey Cindy, Some help could come from searching back in the threads and finding that sobriety many times brings a split between couples. It seems to either be that the couples were many times both alcoholics, and the partner not quitting chose booze and the ensuing lifestyle over a sober partner--almost as though the still boozing partner feared anything that might impede their drinking. It seems to be pretty standard. I think if you follow many of the long term threads, the seperation or outright splitting of the couples led to a better life for the partner seeking sobriety. I guess the thing I am trying to say is that if you focus on staying sober, hapiness will follow. Its a long term thing, but anything worth value takes time and effort to build. I would continue to inquire about your hubby part time, while focusing on being sober full time. I guess my story of stopping also involved splitting from a woman I had actually been engaged to. I stopped in college. The woman was not an alcoholic in that booze controled her life, but she was really not a good person. She dabbled in drugs and booze and she was the type who used sex as a weapon. I actually stopped drinking because we were splitting up, but as my awareness of the goodness and honesty of the 12 step program flooded into me, it did not take long for me to actually be repulsed by her. While doing steps 4 through 9, I actually had to be honest with her about my shortcomings and I decided to ignore her shortcomings because it was not going to help (i.e it would hurt her) either of us. It was kind of like while she was dumping me to move into a more advanced and wicked lifestyle, (she was an aspiring writer and was caught up in promoting her work by sleeping and partying with the professors at the university) I was blessed with an immediate repreve from the pain of seperation by being repulsed by her fortune seeking and the price she was paying for the fame that never came. Beauty is fleeting without actual talent. The end of the story is that over the years she looked me up a number of times, and she never really changed. She ended up in an ancillary profession to writing with out fame, and with the hard lines of someone who lived too fast without empathy. My point to this long, boring story is that until you actually have time to work the steps, and reflect on them, you will not immediatly get to see your HP's plan for you. If you can "give it to God" while you work the steps, I am sure you will see the plan. When you read over othe threads of the same nature you will find similar threads that have the same results. Hang in there! You are doing something brave and strong and honorable! Its never easy, but it is very worthwhile.
-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 4th of July 2009 09:15:15 AM
-- Edited by turninggrey on Saturday 4th of July 2009 12:59:31 PM
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Hi Cindy! Welcome to MIP. My sobriety journey (clarify it's short...only 9 months) started with a split from a 7 year relationship and moving out on my own. I left, but of course there were abandonment issues because, I too was with another alcoholic. I felt he abandoned me for booze, his health problems, his misery, and nothing was going to make that better with me being with him. I tried...to the point of drinking more to save the relationship. I eventually left him and it dawned on me that I left him to find me. I just talked to him for the first time in months a few days ago upon hearing his mother died. It was weird. Of course he stated he's not drinking now, has lost weight, is going to church... That's often what happens when toxic relationships end. Both people get healthier. I'm glad for him and still don't want him back though. There could be many many reasons for your husband's leaving. It is entirely plausible that he did leave to get sober and the pain is too great for him to contact you at this specific moment. That is how it was for me. No looking back. What is really similar here is that I was given the chance to know me on my own. Depression hit...it sucked, but I didn't drink because I knew I would fall so flat on my face without my long time "enabler." So, little consolation...but the split was and has been a blessing in disguise. I would add that I even started another relationship against all warning from others in AA...I was seeking another enabler and thank god it didn't work out that way. Stay strong.
Mark
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Cindy, nothing wrong at all with some counseling. True, there is abandonment run amok in alcoholism/recovery et al., but the Big Book specifically states that we are allowed to, and encouraged to get outside help if need be.
I was shown how the 12 Steps could be worked to manage other problems in my life too. For example, "Admitted that I was powerless over HIM, and that my life/relationship is unmanageable". But that comes easier after we have worked hard on applying the Steps to our addiction to alcohol.
I certainly hope the best for you! You are in a really tough spot, but staying sober is definitely an insurance policy that this will get better. There are people in AA who I am sure have experienced the same thing, or were possibly the ones who did the "running away" themselves. Don't ever stop asking for the help of other sober alcoholics. Do you have a sponsor? If so, what does she suggest?
Take care, and please keep in contact. You are valued and loved here, as we all are!!
(((hugs))), Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
btw, I really need a sponsor. I had to move to a different city, as I have been a homemaker for over 7 years and have no source of income. My family moved me 3 1/2 hours north to be in the same town as them. I was only in town for a couple of weeks before I went to San Diego to visit my son and daughter-in-law. I have been going to meetings every day down here. Next week, I'm heading to Oregon to visit my grandmother.
My sponsor is in the Bay Area, but we have been playing phone tag. I think she would tell me to just focus on myself and not worry about what he's doing or why he did what he did. Just don't drink. I'm very much looking forward to getting a new sponsor in my new hometown (when I finally settle in later this month). My current sponsor just had me focus on the first 3 steps because she felt like the 4th step would be too much for me emotionally, under the extreme circumstances I am dealing with.
It's been 6 weeks since he left. I waited a month and filed for an annulment. There's a lot to this story, and I did find out I have legal grounds for annulment after he left. He was served last Friday and I don't expect him to fight the process. I am very willing to move on to the next steps, once I find a sponsor.
It sounds like you are on the right track Cindy. I can add from my experience for what not to do: don't enter into another relationship to make yourself feel better. After over 10 years with my spouse drinking (both of us alcoholics) and me encouraging sobriety but unable to stick with it when she didn't, she finally hit bottom and went to treatment. I was really happy and embraced sobriety, traveling to the treatment center about 2 hrs round trip at least every other day for almost a month and attending classes there. As the time went by her calls became less frequent and she didn't seem as happy to see me. When she came home things were different, she was distant. After several weeks I found letters from a guy she was in the program with, she said she wanted to work on our marriage but ended up moving out and continued talking to him and seeing him when she said she wouldn't. After about a month of pain (with no sponsor or AA meetings) I decided I needed to go out and have fun. I had been abstaining from alcohol because I wanted her to come back and was afraid if I was drinking it would give her an excuse not to. When I decided to go out and have fun I also decided I didn't really have a problem with alcohol and started drinking again. I started seeing someone we both knew. A few months went by and I asked for a divorce, she was honest with me about what happened and said she wanted to work things out. I was honest too about what I had done, causing her a lot of pain. We managed to reconcile and have been back together over a year and I've been sober almost 11 months.
My story ended up happy but would have been much easier if I would have been working a program and not trying to make myself feel better by 'hooking up" with someone. I can see now that even if we hadn't reconciled my life would be totally different now if I had not found my way back to AA and a sober life.
I can also echo others comments that counseling will help. We started out with a marriage counselor and I continued seeing her after my wife left. She saved my sanity then and was there to help us put things back together. I never could have imagined talking to a counselor before and can't imagine getting through something like that now without one.
Good luck and stay in touch with AA and this forum, I've never seen any "flaming" here and it has helped keep me on the path I need to be on.
Jason
-- Edited by Jason J on Saturday 4th of July 2009 03:59:39 PM
Thank you Jason. I'm very happy to hear that you and your wife are working on your relationship. Anything is possible when both parties want to be honest. I am heeding the warning about new relationships. I was single for almost 5 years when I married my current hubby. I'm not capable of giving myself to anyone right now and I feel that the one year abstinence suggestion is a good one. Thankfully, I'm very social and connect with others easily. We have a strong AA program in Redding and a very strong women's program. In so many ways, I am very blessed.
I am an Alanoner.You might want to give Alanon another chance later on down the road. From what I understand AA is there to support your sobriety. My experience, strength, and hope: my Ahsober left our 30 year marriage 4 years ago. I have abandonment issues from childhood so I have taken it really hard. He said that he didn't love me, never did, loses himself in our marriage, etc. To me it is just another geographical move that he has done before. I can't say that I was surprised but he has had one foot out the door our entire marriage. Still I have learned to focus one myself in Alanon but that does not mean that I don't acknowledge what he does. He acts and I react.
Welcome to MIP, Cindy. Concentrating on you right here, right now & just for today is the right move forward. I feel for your pain but it could be a blessing for you too. Believe your Higher Power has the best plan for you & reasons will be revealed as you grow stronger. Keep on going to your meetings, learn about the program through the literature too, pick up the phone & invest in your sobriety. I find all these tools a Godsend & after a time they just bring more & more joy into our life in place of whatever desperate happiness I thought a drink could bring. Today there is no comparison :) Keep coming back. It's wonderful to have you here & we can get through all that you experience, together. You're not alone, Danielle x
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Thank you for all of the kind words. I did enjoy the fireworks on the 4th immensely. I had an extreme anxiety attack today as my ex was supposed to be in California for a hearing on a felony dui. I co-signed for the bail and am on the hook if he jumps bail. There was a gallon of rum sitting on top of my son's fridge. I actually picked up the bottle and looked at it and remembered how alcohol just doesn't do the trick for me anymore. It just makes me more depressed. I asked God to help me and he did. I need to get some numbers down here while I'm out of town. But, thankfully, my HP saw me through! Just got back from the beach and going to get ready for a meeting. Thank you so, so much for all of your support.
It sounds like you are really doing great as far as sobriety and working your program are concerned. If you can make it through all of this sober.... I'm sure you've thought about this before and know the rest of that sentence. Keep up the good work!
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Your posts here are a breath of fresh air, Cindy. You are really using all the tools you can to deal with this. I hope to hear from you here often, as it helps so much to see the program in action in you! Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I think I can say that with impunity since I'm a man 
Hoping the best for you both, and welcome to this place which I have discovered is usually a lot less flame-like than most internet forums - as long as I don't use my flamethrower! 
I like smileys. 
Seriously, I am very sorry to hear about what happened - I don't know how I'd deal with it. I tried a couple of Al-Anon meetings myself but it just messed with my mind too much, already having to deal with new sobriety at the same time. So I screw up once in awhile and say stuff to my wife that I shouldn't say. (We've been separated 10 months, she is the one who left, and I just realized that I actually don't want her to move back in now while she is still drinking.) Maybe what happened is really for the best, who knows. Just keep going to meetings (might wanna try out a Women-Only meeting if it's available) and other than that I unfortunately have no words of wisdom, just a <<< hug >>>!
here and it has helped keep me on the path I need to be on.