I have screwed up royally

Dodsworth · Senior Member

I have screwed up royally

bikerbill · MIP Old Timer

No bridges have been burnt - get yourself back to a meeting, you won't be the first and you won't be the last to drink the pot - the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking - do you want to stop? Do you want to stay stopped? you know where to go and what to do.

Our experience can help others - go back and show us what a return to drinking does, we need the reminders.

you're at step 0 - getting ready to take step 1.

Get yourself back to the meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps.

Simple process - home group, step meeting, sponsor, steps, prayer and gratitude.

Stop whimpering and grow some chum! you think you're the only one who has ever been in this position? For God's sake get back and don't leave 5 minutes before the miracle.

I look forward to your next post, so often they help me.

with love,

Bill.

cramcj01 · Senior Member

Go back - they will forgive you.

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help the next suffering alcoholic

The money would not be what was important to me, your sobriety is.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Dods, been there done that. Just go back to meetings. Tell the secretary that you spent the money and will replace it. If you get sober now, you'll still beat me by a lot in several ways as I came in at 15 and didn't get sober till 29 lol.

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Friday 3rd of July 2009 07:09:37 AM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Adam, it sounds like you created another reason to feel bad about yourself so you could drink. You are not a bad person but you need to stop letting this disease whip you again and again. Yes, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. But, AA is not going to work until you surrender fully and stop being so afraid to change. You can walk through any feeling or fear without drinking. This time, going back, don't hold on to your old ideas. Get ready to change and be the person you were meant to be. Growing and becoming more responsible is going to be extremely uncomfortable, but the rooms have the tools for you to get through it if you let the program work for you and work it back. Obviously AA is not really just about stopping drinking. It's about changing the person you were to become what God wants you to be. I see you fighting this whole thing so hard. Yeah its extremely hard work, but not as hard as the alternative which you are going through right now. Again, you are not a bad person and if you use this experience to get you started really changing, then what you did could even be a blessing in disguise. Of course everyone here is saying step 1 begins with honesty, so if you want to work the program at all, you know what you need to do. I'm praying you get off this awful merry go round and just get with the program. You are gonna feel like crap sometimes and those "promises" won't all come true in your time. Either way, you have the ability to put some time together and you know that, but please trust that you can change and just work on building a good foundation this time. Praying for you because I know you CAN get this.

Mark

Dave Harm · Senior Member

I haven't don it, but I went to a group where someone did. What they did was tell their story to the whole group. It was a very powerful experience for everyone there... and everyone forgave that person.

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Wow dude. This has enormous potential to build your character if you can go through with it. I don't know if I'd have the cojones. If you can face that situation, you'll definitely have my respect. Not that you need it - you need to be able to respect yourself, and you won't ever be able to do that if you don't go back there. Life or death situation, maybe. You may look back on this as being the moment your life finally turned around for good.

"How dark it is just before the dawn."

-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Friday 3rd of July 2009 01:10:40 PM

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi There,

I agree, no big deal, I agree, sharing what happened would be a great humbling experience.

Once, several years ago, I sponsored a woman that was entrusted to open and close a Church. That was her only responsiblity. Well she would spend the night, and before leaving, would clear out all the money in the donations boxes, so she could have money for the day. I do have to say that whenever i was the Secretary to this meeting, kept a close eye on the baskets after they came back.

If she had ever been caught, do you think she would not have been forgiven, I believe she would have.

As far as the drinking, I have heard it said that the rooms of AA are groups of people that gather, they are people that "cannot, not drink."

Just back to Step One, do you have an active Sponsor??

Someone always writes that we "Must surrender to Win".

Just do the next right thing, and all is going to be ok. Forget the shame aspect, that will keep you out there. People that have Cancer never talk about the Shame of going out of remission, do they. We have a life-threatening disease, that if left untreated, will become terminal.

A big fat hug to you Dods

Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 3rd of July 2009 02:43:48 PM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Dods,
No sweat. Remember who your audience is. Its us. I would only be concerned about your sobriety. Go tell the secretary the truth and ask forgiveness and pay it back. Ask the Secretary if He/She wants you to share this with the group.
Hang in there.

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

At my meeting tonight the miracle person who helped me get to AA 35 days ago admitted that after many (I think 10+) years of sobriety, she drank last week. She said she was ashamed and didn't want to say it. I am so grateful that she had the courage to do so. I was shocked at first that my heroine had "fallen". Now I feel glad that she showed me more of the reality of what it means to be an alcoholic, that my admiration needn't be about idealism, but better for a non-perfect person.
I was so relieved there was no shaming about this, just offers of help, just as it is here for you.

-- Edited by angelov8 on Saturday 4th of July 2009 01:16:57 AM

Dodsworth · Senior Member

thanks everyone for the support and advice. a friend of mine was supposed to come pick me up and let me sober up at his house away from my apartment, but he never showed...why? because he was too drunk to drive...along with what you guys have reaffirmed, i neednt think that im the only alcoholic making mistakes. well, given that he is drinking, probably wouldnt have been the best place to get sober huh? anyways, thanks again.

TLH · MIP Old Timer

Seems like everything has been getting crazy coming up to the 4th- lots of stuff happening despite our better judgment. I have one friend coming up on 20 and another coming up on 10 and both have been dealing with challenges, and we've talked a LOT about how easily we get "off" from our path and get ourselves into situations that are no fun in the long run. Saw an old man pick a fight in a crosswalk a few days ago with a large, (apparently) very patient Polynesian man. Was glad I was two cars back (as opposed to where I typically am- right in the middle of the crap.) I personally have been feeling down in the dumps and depressed, off and on and have been just persevering, hanging in there with as positive an attitude as one can have and keeping faith that things work out if we let them.

Be careful out there tonight. Me, I spent my 4th at the beach and the zoo but by 5 p.m. my son and I were at my place watching DVDs and eating popcorn. It's crazy out there. We walked to the end of my street (which is just a couple blocks above Chinatown and Downtown, Honolulu) and took a look at the festivities off out and around us, and then came home and are laying low, hanging out and staying out of trouble.) Pepsi one, Malted milk balls and popcorn ever kill anybody? Hopefully not. Tonight that's my vice. ;)

Good luck with that, Dodsworth. I'm sure you will rise above it.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

your 4th sounded absolutely wonderful TLH. Mine happened to be my bottom as my mother called me around noon asking if i was on my way over because grandpa, brother, sister, etc were all arriving for a BBQ and I was trying to drink myself to sleep after being up for about 3 days. I told her I couldnt come over because I was actually out of town (what kind of excuse is that?) I'm supposed to go over there today to pay a visit but i cant because i still havent slept and i must look really bad. Isnt it amazing how life seems so beautiful when your just whipped by alcohol- everything seems like it must be paradise, the simple things i mean- family BBQ, popcorn and movies. I havent enjoyed anything for quite some time and like we all know, as horrible a place ive acted myself into, im so full of hope right now because i know im done with it all. I thought it was bad before, but as well all know it only gets worse and it most definately has. Ive lost probably 15 pounds since i started my spree about 3 weeks ago. I mean just the most typical things have occurred in the last 3 weeks. I got into a fight on the second night of drinking and got my ribs broke, and gashed up my hand as well in the fight. If it wasnt for my friend, id have gotten the sin beaten out of me. I went on not one but two cocaine sprees while i was drunk out of my mind spending hundreds of dollars and of course not sleeping. I called up so many people at 6am sobbing like a miserable wretch, most of them hanging up on me- its just all so demoralizing. I dont mean to be whining or whatever but it just helps for me to spell it out in a place other than my head. Its a good day to be a drunk/addict because its time for a new beginning! I need to get the courage to face my AA group tonight (god help me with that!) If not for the fellowship, I dont know what I woud do.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Dods, I hope that when you get a month or two behind you, that you don't forget this bottom. You never have to do it again. What were your sober friends doing on the 4th?

Dodsworth · Senior Member

i hve no idea, havent spoken to sober friends in quite awhile. They were probably doing what most of you were doing- BBQ's, family, etc.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Against my better judgment, I'm going to respond to this one. It literally hurt to read that last post Dods. You don't deserve to do this to yourself. I don't have a keen observation from online, but I recognized you were happiest (over the time I've been on here) when you were abroad...away from home. This may be the totally wrong suggestion...but I'm wondering if a geographical change and possibly rehab in another state might be good at this time. It does sound like you are having a hard time changing while remaining in the same spot. It's just a thought and I have NO idea if it's the right answer for you. Either way, I am really praying that you stop suffering. You are young and have your whole life in front of you. I wish I would have stopped drinking at 26, it would have saved a lot of pain from having to grow up at 36. Keep on keeping on. I know you will get to a better place because you do keep coming back.