I married my high school sweatheart 12 years ago and we've been together for about 20 + years. I'm 40 and we have 2 kids 12 & 10. She's supportive of my recovery and invited me back into the house about 11 months ago. I've been sober for 15 months; working a solid program of AA. Pray, meetings, sponsor & steps.
The issue is this: for the past 11 months our sexual activity has been limited and there's not much intimacy. I've been patient but my patience is wearing thin. The other day we had sex and talked afterwards and she revealed she doesn't have a desire to have sex with me. No wonder we've had sex 4 times in 11 months and not initiated by her. She stated that when she thinks about it.... she get irritated because my drinking pattern was: drink(hidden), feel guilty and needy, work around the house and do things for her... have sex... then she finds out I'd been drinking. She calls it the vicious cycle. I've made my admends to her through step 9 and continue on a daily basis through step 10. I told her I've accepted many things that bother me about her, but this would be the deal breaker. I'm no longer willing to be in a relationship with no intimacy or sex. Intimacy and sex is part of any good relationship.
I mentioned to her that there's people or programs out there to help her with this... not pushing but trying to do the next right thing. Honestly; I don't think she'll look for resolution. She's been through many therapist in the past and always stops go because she doesn't find them helpful. We've meet with a therapist together and I find I do most of the talking. Because of her past with therapist I don't see this as being useful. Some tell me it's her problem to deal with not mine???
I've talked with my sponsor about this but would like to bring god into the picture by working through you members.
I do love her, there's things I don't like about her, but have learned that's normal. Also, I think it use to be comfortable to just be together because it feels normal after being together for so long. I feel I've grown and don't want to settle for less and hold on to this relationship and be roomates. I don't think that would helpful for either one of us.
Anyone been through this? Anyone hear related stories that are simliar.
Yeah I've been through it in a couple of relationships. Sex in a relationship ebbs and flows, has it's peaks and valleys and, as such, can't be a measure of the health of the relationship. Men seem to require sex, while most women can take it or leave it. 11 months isn't a lot of time. Seems like you worked hard to revive this relationship and move back into the house and now you want to throw it all away. I remember going nearly a year, twice, without having sex, with my x-wife because I stubbornly got tired of being the one to have to always initiate it and getting turned down too many times. My suggestion is to give another year. This might not have anything to do with you. A woman's motivation to have sex has a lot to do with how they are feeling about themself. Second to that, it seems to be tied to the level of romance in the relationship, followed by feeling secure and loved on a daily basis. Take "one day at a time" and apply it to your relationship. Treat it like it's always the first or last day, and see what happens. In keeping with that, I try and apply as much gratitude as possible to mine and it seems to pay dividends.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Thursday 2nd of July 2009 04:17:13 PM
Wow I am not sure what to say to this. I am sorry things haven't been going well. I understand that therapy isn't for everyone. Maybe you two can find some common ground. Communication is key.
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Well as a woman I can say I do agree with Dean, it is a much more complex issue for woman.
I think of it as more of a "withholding sex" for some reasons, usually when pent up anger has not been expressed, the Libido simply quiets down, it is not done intentionally, and certainly not directed AT you, just what happens to woman, well of course only speaking for myself, that is how it was for me.
And if she is not interested in Thereapy, that leaves a big questionmark in my mind. She already eluded to that fact with that "vicious cirle", right. (that sounds like anger to me).
However, using the rigerous honesty, sitting down with her and talking this through, just like Kkotz said, open communication in this matter might be the key.
And also I agree with Dean again, some times are so active, and then there are the slow downs, but trying some new approaches to this, might help.
If the dialogue is not going to be open, then try melting her heart with some awesome surprise, that shows her how much you love her. A week end trip, or second Honeymoon, Flowers, and openly talking about how much you miss her tenderness and her beautiful body, (we all love to hear that).
Really shoting from the hip on this.
Second thought, well dont know if this would help, but when I have some pent up anger in me, there are times I wish so bad that I had one of those giant punching bags, that you see in sports, when I just watch someone say on a tv show using one of those, they really really get it out. So maybe you could buy her one, put a picture of you on it, with a caption "this is the Old drunk Mike, want to communicate anything to him.? ?
My second thought was said it jest, of course, but for me, I can think of a few times when such a punching bag would have saved a lot of stuff from smoldering away inside.
Sound like you do for the most part have a wonderful wife and family, and I would try a hundred if not more things before throwing in the towel.
Good to see you post, Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Thursday 2nd of July 2009 06:57:21 PM
Hey Mike, I am pretty sure its one of those issues that is like the elephant in the room and that just kind of focuses more pressure on the subject. Do you guys have a sense of humor? I have found that a seriousness about the problem mixed with humor to deescalate the intensity helps. I would only do this if you have that kind of relationship and she "gets" your sense of humor. I also think there is a little psychology to the whole thing in that you probably need to make her feel like you don't need sex and that its not an issue, so she does not feel the pressure. I think that if you put this to an ultimatum, you will lose the relationship. As alcoholics, we are very intense people that sort of get obsessed about things. Many of the things are pleasures. I really think you need to back away and give this more time. I do think bringing God into this is important. Pray about it and give her a no sex back rub.
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Probably shortly after you show her acceptance and love regardless of her current state of sexual desire...things will change. A list of reasons why you love her and appreciate her apart from sex might get things back on track (though not right away and don't expect to be rewarded with sex just from doing that...you have to live out the reasons and just show you are grateful for what exists in the relationship as it is). Keep communicating and remember, she isn't just a roommate because you aren't having sex. You love her. She is the mother of your children and it seems like she is good for you in other ways. Sex is important, but it sounds like you have a fairly strong bond that is healing slowly over time. Of course Alanon might help her, but sounds like she might be resistant to that. If over time she can't forgive you for your past...regardless of what you do in the present, then you have an issue. But don't stress to hard over it today. A day at a time as they say.
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My situation is alot like yours. I've changed so much whhile struggling to stay sober. With me, I an tell you that it isn't about sex. I just want to feel like I'm close to someone. I guess my wife and I have a "normal" sex life right now, but something is still missing. It takes time to heal. I think it's easier for a man to have sex, without feelings. For my wife, sex, is more than just the act itself.
I was engaged to a girl long before my wife and I met. When we broke up, I lost it. I went out partying and acting stupid. I can tell you, for a fact that, you can have sex nearly every night/day of the week, but still be lonely. Not that sex isn't important, but as I've grown, I've learned that it's the things that go along with sex that matters, the time together, talking, loving and communicating. It sounds like what you may be missing out on is the intimacy.
What I have to keep in mind is that I am NOT the person my wife married. I worry that she may not love the sober Mark. Spending time together is very important to us making this work. I've tried to start "dating" her again. going out to eat, walks, trying to get to know each other, getting to know the "new" people we are. I hope she will fall in love with the sober Mark. When I first started dating my wife 15 years ago, the reason I stayed with her is that she WOULDN'T have sex. Kind of ironic.
If it's just the sex you are missing out on, be grateful. The love and intimacy is so much more important. As that grows, the sex will be there, as an expression of both of your love.
Very well put Mark. And again very intuitive to know that your wife needs to learn to love the new you, and kudos for giving her time to do. Like me, you're taking the "no stone unturned" approach so that if it doesn't work you can sleep easy knowing that you gave it 200%.
Thank you all very much. I appreciate all the honest feedback.
I will give it time and continue to work my program on myself and my relationships and look more at the positives and not the negatives. I want to sleep at night knowing I gave it my all (200%) if it doesn't work out. Thank you again.
Probably shortly after you show her acceptance and love regardless of her current state of sexual desire...things will change. A list of reasons why you love her and appreciate her apart from sex might get things back on track (though not right away and don't expect to be rewarded with sex just from doing that...you have to live out the reasons and just show you are grateful for what exists in the relationship as it is). Keep communicating and remember, she isn't just a roommate because you aren't having sex. You love her. She is the mother of your children and it seems like she is good for you in other ways. Sex is important, but it sounds like you have a fairly strong bond that is healing slowly over time. Of course Alanon might help her, but sounds like she might be resistant to that. If over time she can't forgive you for your past...regardless of what you do in the present, then you have an issue. But don't stress to hard over it today. A day at a time as they say.
