I am reasonably sure she's an alcoholic. She drinks almost every day, goes out at least once a week, and has no clue why she can't seem to pay the rent. Just hasn't gotten a DUI yet. Unlike me, she used to be addicted to drugs as well. We've been separated for 10 months, and while I don't moralize about the alcohol or try to get her to quit, I've made it clear that I no longer wish to be around her when she's been drinking. Unfortunately that's most of the time. It really sucks. I'm starting to hate alcohol.. I feel that I am meant to wait this out and not to divorce her. She originally moved out because of my anger issues and what would happen when I got drunk - it's funny that now I'm not sure I would want her to move back in because of alcohol. We don't talk divorce, we are pretty much just living in limbo and maybe once every week or two we might spend a little time together. It's not much, and it's just really hard. I know that all I can do is focus on my own recovery. But how long must I wait?
I guess that question will be answered in its own time. The women who put up with their alcoholic husbands for years, I don't know how they did it. Of course back then divorce was not nearly as common. Doesn't make it right though.
I don't really have a question, just venting a little.
Just keep doing what you're doing. Protect yourself. If she's an alkie, and only she can decide (how many times have people called you an alkie, how often did you agree?) then the programme may rub off on her and she may change.
I've been separated from my wife for over 3 years now. We're the best of friends now, but still separated. In my case it keeps getting better. (we split while I was drinking - my drinking escalated after that as there was no one to control me - but then there was no-one to clear up the messes i made.) the programme has rubbed off on my wife and maybe one day she'll get round to going to al anon. She knows where it is but it has to be her choice. My wife very rarely drinks now as she finds whenever she does she doesn't want to stop, so it's easier for her to never start.(!?) She doesn't seem to have a problem with it though.
For the last 8 months of my drinking, she kept her distance, for the first year of my recovery she was frightened and bitter (because all you people could help me in a way she never could). Now she's very supportive, never tries to prevent me from going to a meeting, (although I've chosen time with her over a meeting and it so far has always been a bad move for me) and we talk. Sometimes though she talks to me like I was her sponsor. Sometimes I make the mistake of answering her as if she's my sponsee - boy that get's interesting!
Still learning.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
Hey FS... Speaking as one who for years thought my hubby had the problem not me, I recall the days when he went to AA and I was so jealous. He was so into the program and all his new friends. I prayed that he would just start drinking again and poof....it happened...along with me drinking more with him and things got way ugly!!!!
We are both now in the program and hubby will have 2 yrs in 2 weeks and I will have 2 in october!!! What a difference our lives have become. Not perfect by any stretch but life is good. It took me a while to see myself as an alkie although I knew in my heart I was. When it gets bad enough, or when others show from example how much better life can be, then I think they will be ready. Unfortunately, we cant do anything to convince others they have a problm....they have to see it and accept it and become willing to do something about it!!!
Keep doing what you are doing and eventually, whatever is MEANT to be, will be!! Take care of you and keep up the good work!!! Time will reveal all!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
the chances of her getting sober, if she Chooses to, are 1 in 20, just like the rest of us. Apply that anyway that you wish. Like, will she get sober this year? 1 in 20, meaning it could take 20 years or 10 years average. I'm no expert on statistics but I do think that the chances of 2 people in a relationship getting sober is exponentially higher. Also consider that you are getting healthier emotionally and physically now, and she is staying the same and will likely decline. This means that you will be outgrowing her in a number of ways. She also fell in love with a practicing alcoholic, which you are presently not. It's likely that she will feel awkward about your sobriety and will likely be looking to replace you with another practicing alcoholic. It's also likely that she will, consciously or subconsciously, try to sabotage your sobriety, being in denial about your alcoholism. She really doesn't want you to stop drinking, she wants you to drink less and remain her drinking partner. She, potentially being an alcoholic and married to another (making her a codependent), is likely to have an alcoholic parent and it's more likely that that parent is her father, hence the attraction to you because it's a familiar reflection of the type of love she received as a child. The dynamics are very common and predictable and spelled out very well in John Bradshaw's book "On the Family" which reads like an auto repair manual for dysfunctional family systems.
It can be tough to have someone to have someone you love turn to the bottle instead of you. Have you tried to convince her to go to treatment. Don't compromise your sanity for her. I think she has to hit rock bottom before she realizes she has a problem.
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You have to live life to the fullest because you don't know what you got till it's gone.
Aloha Glenn...I'm reminded that if I hang around long enough I will hear my own story again and again and again and now it's you telling it from in side your own shoes. I have a suggestion; one that worked for me...Copy your share here and take it to the Al-Anon Board. Al-Anon Family Groups for family, friends and associates of alcoholics. Similarities in the program had to be the difference is that we don't work on not drinking we work on the problems being married to an alcoholic has caused our lives. Copy your post...back out of this room and go to the Al-Anon Board. Start a new thread and past this post there and then listen to those responses also.
Of course I am a member of both programs...sometimes called a "double". I marry the women I drink with or used to and have found the way to get and stay sane.
I'm no expert on statistics but I do think that the chances of 2 people in a relationship getting sober is exponentially higher. Also consider that you are getting healthier emotionally and physically now, and she is staying the same and will likely decline. This means that you will be outgrowing her in a number of ways. She also fell in love with a practicing alcoholic, which you are presently not. It's likely that she will feel awkward about your sobriety and will likely be looking to replace you with another practicing alcoholic. It's also likely that she will, consciously or subconsciously, try to sabotage your sobriety, being in denial about your alcoholism. She really doesn't want you to stop drinking, she wants you to drink less and remain her drinking partner. She, potentially being an alcoholic and married to another (making her a codependent), is likely to have an alcoholic parent and it's more likely that that parent is her father, hence the attraction to you because it's a familiar reflection of the type of love she received as a child. The dynamics are very common and predictable and spelled out very well in John Bradshaw's book "On the Family" which reads like an auto repair manual for dysfunctional family systems.
Her dad is a self-admitted alcoholic and goes to AA. He slipped I think she said sometime around 8 years into the program, think he's back in it again though. Had a big problem with her today - she got 3 tickets at once on her way to work, one for no seatbelt, one for speeding and one for no insurance. She wanted me to take care of the insurance ticket the way I've always done (by printing up a fake insurance card on my computer) and I refused. She is fit to be tied. I sent her an email explaining it the best I could - that I can't pick and choose which parts of this program I'll follow, that I would be no good to her or anyone else if I started drinking again and I feel that will happen if I don't follow the whole program to the best of my ability. And that I can no longer pick and choose which laws I'm going to obey, because that's how I ended up driving drunk all the time.
So ya, I'm sure she wishes at this moment in time that I was still drinking and not in this program and she'd like me to start drinking again - just not as much and not do the things I do when I'm drunk. That's just not possible though. I quit drinking a couple months before the DUI and before joining AA, and she was the reason I started up again both times (once was half a glass of wine during dinner with her, which led to more alcohol within a week - the other time she said she wouldn't go out with me to sing karaoke if I wasn't gonna drink because I got too cranky when she was drinking and I wasn't.) Well, she wasn't the reason, she was the excuse. So I know it's a big danger and I will just have to work my program without her and see what happens. Not sure that I agree about the exponential thing though, because I've heard so many stories of how one person getting sober has helped their partner do the same. So I feel there is hope, but if it doesn't happen, I think it will be revealed to me when it is time to move on.
-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Tuesday 30th of June 2009 05:06:39 PM
Aloha Glenn...I'm reminded that if I hang around long enough I will hear my own story again and again and again and now it's you telling it from in side your own shoes. I have a suggestion; one that worked for me...Copy your share here and take it to the Al-Anon Board. Al-Anon Family Groups for family, friends and associates of alcoholics. Similarities in the program had to be the difference is that we don't work on not drinking we work on the problems being married to an alcoholic has caused our lives. Copy your post...back out of this room and go to the Al-Anon Board. Start a new thread and past this post there and then listen to those responses also.
Of course I am a member of both programs...sometimes called a "double". I marry the women I drink with or used to and have found the way to get and stay sane.
(((((hugs))))
I went to two Al-Anon meetings in my area for this reason. But I feel that right now it is just too much for me, so I stopped going. Since we don't live together I think I can just do my best to keep to myself for now and work my own program. I need to keep it simple or I'll give up altogether.
Hey Glenn, for sure there is hope, and Lani's case is proof positive. All that I was saying is that the odds are steeper and the low number of successful couples, in the program, that got sober together or one after the other. In 22 years I haven't seen or heard of many, but almost all of us have been divorced. Not trying to be a boo bird here, I hope that it works out the way you want it to. Sounds like you've got a realistic outlook and are doing all the right things to get the best possible outcome for yourself, which is what you're supposed to be doing. It's a selfish program.
Well for me it was a little different, my husband and I started and ended our relationship as one alcoholic, and prescription drug user, and he was into Cocaine, some alcohol, and a ton of Pot.
When I got sober, well clean and sober, we tried a reconciliation, and he had given up his Cocaine use for good, but was hell bent on staying with the Pot, used it 24/7, even used to give me these lectures on, if I would only use Pot, and not drink, it would be great, he really felt pot was "good for you".
So after trying a reconcilation of about 8 months, it felt very strange really most of the time, I did still love him a lot, but could see that his presisted use of Pot was never going to be something I could live with. My saving Grace through this reconcilation were my meetings, about a block away from our house, everynight. He did not like my going to the meetings, At All, and I soon could see that my Recovery was going to be based on us not living together anymore. We remained friends, I moved back to California.
But I felt so grateful to the AA Program that was showing me that we have to use that "selfish" part of the Program, if we are going to stay sober, and begin a new life with all the wonderful things that this Program teaches us.
It was a little bittersweet when I left for good, but never really looked back after a while.
I hope so much that you and your wife will work this out, you never know, it will be up to her now, and watching you, and you showing her how your life is changing for the better, (like not getting her out of that mess with her tickets), might sting for a while, but when she calms down, she just might see how very much you are changing and want that for herself. But as all of us know, it is an Inside Job, has to come from inside her.
