Help..

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

Help..

joelo · Senior Member

You're not alone as long as someone i reading this. Make more meetings. Listen intently. Share your struggles here. That's what it's all about.

Are you working the steps. Do you have a sponsor? Do you have a home group?

Just asking for you to do some clarification of your situation.

i'm a depressed soul, too ... so i feel for you. i can totally relate with that emptiness, that feeling of uselessness and hopelessness. But, in sobriety i now know that this is simply pride in reverse, and not of God.

Talk to us. We're listening.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

I remember being there, thinking that, doing that with the same unreal solutions.

What you are thinking, feeling, doing and perceiving is not real...not true and it
comes from the insanity you have been living in. Now that you don't have it, it
may feel that you don't have anything including real solutions.   Actually where
you are at is survivable...you are in change with fear as the only emotion left for
you. Get rid of the fear by sitting down, listening, (for similarities) learning and
doing what the successful recovering people do will lead to your own.   Don't
stay in the fear so that you don't reach out to others in the program and ask for
HELP!! Don't REACT to stuff whether it looks, feels, smells, taste or sound real.
It will pass over time with new awarenesses and behaviors and you have to
believe that. I have personally gone thru alot of what you just mentioned here
and "gone thru" is the reality.   Want a successful suicide?   Don't end your life
end how you're living it. TRUST GOD, CLEAN HOUSE always HELP OTHERS.

In support...(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 27th of June 2009 05:41:57 PM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

One good thing about meetings and forums--they are proof that many of us are or have been in your shoes. What you are feeling is very common and you are not alone! The best way to see your son again is to stay sober and keep it together. The pace sounds hectic and you need to learn to shed what you can't fix right now. This is a long term program that really teaches you that simplicity is the key to a modicum of hapiness and fellowship. Try extra hard to communicate with your higher power. Put your problems into the hands of your HP.
My prayers are with you.
Tom

nmike · Veteran Member

Hang in there from an Alanoner. Our HP's work in mysterious ways. I just went to a family get together. My Ahsober was there. He left 4 years ago saying he didn't love me, never did, wants a divorce, it's you, you, you. He chit chats with my mom and family about his great life. They treat him as if he is a f&*)*) hero. I say to myself what is the consequence of leaving your wife? I kept busy washing dishes and cleaning up instead of sitting there listening to him talk about how great golf is in his new town.

So I came home depressed and to an empty house. I bring in my resentments saying why me? I don't have any answers for you or for me. But as they said others have been there and feel the same way. Do what you can, ask for guidance from your HP, go to meetings for support, call your sponsor, and keep coming back.

In support,
Nancy

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Scotty, (not that it matters, but I am a guy lol) I would highlight, I am on psych meds. I don't know if that will ever change since i have had depression and anxiety clinically for like 11 years. What was going on with me was, as my alcoholism progressed, I kept downing Klonopin (an addictive antianxiety drug in the same category as valium, ativan, xanax) beyond what was prescribed to me....to the point where I ran out of a month's supply a few times at like 20 days and went to the pharmacy and they told me I was abusing drugs. It was like a cold slap in the face...and even that didn't wake me up to what the real problem was. Needing psych meds is not a problem for me at this time and I just take them without violating what is prescribed. I hope that goes away too and that mental illness is not part of my life in the future, but I really doubt that's going to happen. My family genes are triple loaded for that even more than alcoholism/addiction. You have a lot on your plate right now. You will handle it as long as you don't drink. I only posted what I did because I often down myself and get in depressed funks and think "I haven't changed at all" and "I'm a piece of crap." Those are getting easier to deal with over time though. I have to remember, this is the first time EVER I've lived alone and been responsible for myself. So this crap is hard and there have and will be more extremely difficult moments. That does not mean both you and I are not progressing. Financial problems are real yes...but you don't have to let them paralyze you. You've got about 5 months of sobriety time on me. All my mess isn't going to clear up in 5 more months. Some of this stuff is going to take years, but that's okay. I have hope now where I didn't before. When all else appears to be crap, AA is my safety net and I want to keep it that way. Depression is a disease too and it is not to be played around with 1 out of ever 20 persons with clinical depression does commit suicide so you need to get help there too. I can't diagnose you onlin, but suicidal thoughts are the worst of depressive symptoms and it does merit seeing a doctor as soon as you can. Having depression and alcoholism both is not the worst thing in the world. Many of us have that combo. Also, take time for meetings and open yourself up to be helped. Share this in meetings. That is what they are there for. One trap I have seen people with a year or two fall into is not sharing anymore because they think "everyone has heard too much of my boohoos" or "I'm supposed to be healthy now that I have over a year." I started doing that already and I only have 9 freakin months. I will be telling people "I'm fine" whenever they ask when I'm really not. I have to watch that too. WE get through things with each other. When you talk, people will talk to you and that will lead to sticking around for "the meeting after the meeting." Your fellow alcoholics won't let you be alone if you tell them what's really going on with you. Don't stay stuck and overwhelmed by your situation 24 hours a day. If nowhere else, drop it for an hour a day in a meeting. That's what they are there for. You earned the seat, so use it. Don't isolate! Please. Glad you shared this all here. It will get better...even if you break it down into "Did I deal with all this enormous pressure today without dying or drinking" "Did I deal with these horrible thoughts and feelings without drinking or dying?" So far, for you the answer remains yes and you are doing an awesome job each day. The end...It can be that simple and that can be enough to keep you going for another day. Sometimes that's all we can do right?

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

Scott -

As far as not knowing anyone goes, I can tell you what I've been doing that seems to help (aside from getting a home group): I force myself to stay after each meeting at least 5 minutes. Even if that means just standing somewhere looking at other people I don't know and not talking to them. What that does is it makes me available. Usually I don't remain alone, someone comes up and talks to me or I see a little group talking that I am attracted to and I just go up to them and start listening. Nobody's ever said "go away"! And then I get into a conversation. It's actually pretty rare for me to leave after 5 minutes, because by that time something has happened. So steel yourself, stand there outside the door for 5 minutes minimum and see what happens.

For the rest of your post, I don't know enough about your situation but depression has been a part of my life, seems like for as long as I've been alive. Lately it's lifting though, and when it tries to come back I fight it. I just refuse to let it take over anymore. Easier said than done, I know. I got a little book of sayings called "My Mind Is Out To Get Me", thought I'd share a few of them with you:

It's not what happens to you but how you perceive it.

This too shall pass.

God never closes a door without also opening a window.

Treat your mind like a bad neighborhood -- don't go there alone.

If you keep bringing your body, your mind will follow.

In God's sight, all human beings are important.

My recovery is a process, not an event.

Fear is the absence of faith.

If I had waited to be happy until I was well, I would still be sick.

Keep an open heart.

When I'm useful, I feel good.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

When all else fails, read the directions -- the Twelve Steps.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

You are not alone.

The load of tomorrow, added to that of yesterday, carried today, makes the strongest falter.

You can't. God can. Let him.

An alcoholic who is alone is in bad company.

You alone can do it, but you can't do it alone.

Act as if.

----------

Take what you can out of those bits of wisdom and DON'T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

You have friends here, now get some friends where you are too!

Your friend, Glenn

-- Edited by FlyingSquirrel on Sunday 28th of June 2009 06:14:06 AM

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Scott,

I've experienced most of the things that you're going through. First I'd say that you can't pull out all your troubles at one time or you're sure to get overwhelmed. That goes for anyone. It's only productive to consider one solution (there are no problems) at a time, so that you can focus on it. If one or more of your situations is causing you to obsess and stress, Stop thinking about it and go DO something productive, fun, and exercise. Breathe deep 10 times and Say the serenity prayer over and over when you feel the walls caving in. Write a gratitude list starting with your basic needs and expand from there. I didn't hear you say that you were jobless, homeless, starving, diseased, crippled, brain damaged, or missing limbs. You are loved by your higher power and us.

Chances are, when you are feeling overwhelmed, that you are experiencing one or more of the acronym H.A.L.T or hungry, angry, lonely, and tired.   setting up a basic weekly schedule for eating, sleeping, taking care of yourself, working, meetings, exercise, socializing, and set aside time for working on solutions to issues. Make sure that you are eating and sleeping well (take naps if you need them) and taking vitamins. The number one treatment for depression is aerobic exercise at least 30 minutes 3-4 times a week. If you do that, eat and sleep well, your whole outlook on life will change.

Getting to regular daily meetings, and sharing at every one, so that the people in the meetings get to know you. When you share, people will share back and/or afterwards they will come up to you to offer their experience, strength, and hope. Join a men's meeting and the topics that you brought up (child custody, visitation, bankruptcy...) will come up often. Men's meetings are more tribal, or communal then most. This is your best oportunity for fellowship. You've got to work hard at creating your AA network, mostly by being the first to put out your hand, smile, and introducing yourself. Make yourself do it. Find weekend morning meetings where people go out for breakfest afterward and go with them. Same for groups on friday and saturday nites, that will go out to dinner. There is a certain amount of "fake it till you make" that has to be employed in the begining, but you will realize that AAs are very welcoming, but you need to be ready to be welcomed. Decide that you're going to leave your resentments at home (or at the meeting) and decide to be happy. That's right, happiness is a Decision, not just a natural state for some people. Start by being grateful for what you have (refer to your gratitude list) and involve your higher power. Gratitude = Happiness. No happiness = no gratitude.

As far as getting your paperwork done, make daily "To Do" lists and shut out your "committee" in your head, and focus on the days tasks. Get your work done! My first sponsor was always on me about not focusing on work and taking care of myself and my business.   He said "our primary pupose is to stay sober, but it's not our only purpose and our higher power wants us to work." Work has to come high on our priority list, just after taking care of ourself, because it's the means to take care of ourself. It's a selfish program. Family issues come way down line, after our needs are met, because if we don't take good care of ourselves, there won't be anything we can do for others. It's a selfish program.

Hang in there Scott and work on putting some happiness in your life and your problems will solve themselves without you worrying about it. Pray!

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 28th of June 2009 07:20:42 AM

mstrmsn66 · Veteran Member

I really appreciate what everyone is telling me. She is poised to get 60 % of my salary, plus child support.Child support in Ontario lasts until the child is done his education, even if that child is an adult. I personally know a guy paying for a 22 year old. Spousal support is indefinite, no period of time affixed

Everywhere I turn on this godforsaken island I run into obstacles and the memories. The memories which used to haunt me are now nightmares that torture me with loneliness, despair, and no way out.

The suicide rate for divorced men in Ontario is 41%. I see why, I'm living it.

FlyingSquirrel · Senior Member

That is very sad. I will pray for you (I've actually been praying for you every day even before I knew you - see my thread about the Our Father prayer). Have faith in a higher power. Perhaps money is not that important. Perhaps it's only important that you are able to live. Stay alive, someday your son may need you.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

mstrmsn66 wrote:

Everywhere I turn on this godforsaken island I run into obstacles and the memories. The memories which used to haunt me are now nightmares that torture me with loneliness, despair, and no way out.

The suicide rate for divorced men in Ontario is 41%. I see why, I'm living it.

Sounds like there is not a lot of reasons to stay on the island and perhaps more reasons to leave. I moved shortly after my separation in early sobriety. It was the best thing for me because I was having a hard time with living down the street from my x-wife and frequently seeing her and her boyfriend. My visitation with my son involved a 5 hour round trip drive 2 twice every other weekend for 8 years. At age 12 he came to live with me till he finished high school.

Scott you've quoted the suicide rate at 1,000 times higher than it is. It's 41 deaths per 100,000 divorced men, which is .041% or 4 out of 10,000.

http://www.amatterofjustice.org/amoj/52articlespage.cfm?articleno=10

" One factor that statistics point to is a significant connection between these suicides and divorce. The national suicide rate among divorced men was 41.2 per 100,000, according to a 1995 Statistics Canada report, the most recent of its kind."

joelo · Senior Member

That statistic sounds MUCH better.

:o)

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Yes..and like I posted before, even for severely clinically depressed individuals the rate is only 5 percent. Nonetheless, if you do have clinical depression, get medical attention. Also, what dean said about exercise it true as well. I tend to forget that because of being lazy and not doing what every doctor, psychiatrist, and other therapist says to. Exercise works too. Anyhow 60 percent of your income was probably going to her and your child before so it's not really that big a change. Also, you mentioned bankruptcy....simple fact is nobody can take money from you that you just don't have. Yeah there are consequences to not paying bills, but there's a solution out there. You have 1 child and not 6 to pay for right? Sometimes what would appear to be a nightmare is really a blessing. Also, if you hate where you live, I would think about moving somewhere else too. Doing a "georgraphic" is not always a bad thing right? Somewhere with a stronger recovery community would be nice. I am blessed that I live in perhaps one of the largest recovery communities in the world. There are 750 meetings in my county alone every week. At least 6 clubhouses that run meetings around the clock and about 30 halfway houses I would estimate (edit-I researched and it's more like 10 clubhouses and 50 halfway houses). It's easier to find fellowship in a more metropolitan area. If and when I choose I can do service easily with intergroup, the intitution committee...let alone countless meetings to chair, secretary, treasure, and fundraiser committees..the opportunity for service and fellowship is incredible and I can't believe I didn't know this was all going on around me when I was stuck in my own alcoholic mess for 6 years in this town.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 28th of June 2009 10:12:59 PM

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Scott,
Like SP Dean, I moved right as I was entering sobriety, and it made it 100% easier. You did not have the old baggage hanging over your head. The only down side would be that you would need to make traveling to see your kid a big priority.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jerry F wrote:

I remember being there, thinking that, doing that with the same unreal solutions.

What you are thinking, feeling, doing and perceiving is not real...not true and it
comes from the insanity you have been living in. Now that you don't have it, it
may feel that you don't have anything including real solutions.   Actually where
you are at is survivable...you are in change with fear as the only emotion left for
you. Get rid of the fear by sitting down, listening, (for similarities) learning and
doing what the successful recovering people do will lead to your own.   Don't
stay in the fear so that you don't reach out to others in the program and ask for
HELP!! Don't REACT to stuff whether it looks, feels, smells, taste or sound real.
It will pass over time with new awarenesses and behaviors and you have to
believe that. I have personally gone thru alot of what you just mentioned here
and "gone thru" is the reality.   Want a successful suicide?   Don't end your life
end how you're living it. TRUST GOD, CLEAN HOUSE always HELP OTHERS.

In support...(((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 27th of June 2009 05:41:57 PM

this is an awesome post Jerry. I was trying to figure out a way to describe "stinking thinking" but all that I came up with was insanity. When we get overwhelmed, we take everything as a personal attack and fear just runs rampid. Our mind begins to race, everything gets exagerated and there seems to be no solutions. At this point we are "living in the problem" instead of the solution. This is when we have to slow our life down "one day at a time" and not listen to what our mind is telling us and rely on the counsel of trusted advisers. This is a program of duplication, where we believe that by doing what others did before us (who were successful) we can acheive the same results. Typically you mind will want to discount solutions offered so that it can maintain it's doomsday scenario and continue with the fear based hyperdrama. It's not fun and it's a hard cycle to break, but going to meetings daily and talking about it got this alcoholic through that very dark time. The good news is that there is life after divorce and life is very good.

lani · MIP Old Timer

You are in my prayers and I promise you things do get better IF WE WORK FOR THEM!!!!! Please do the work you need to do to stay alive and sober!
I always try to tell myself it could be worse!!!!And I know it can be as I am a nurse and see many sad things on a daily basis!!! I'll keep what I dont have and enjoy the things I do have....
Look around and figure out how bad your "poor me's" really are.
I know you are struggling terribly but put your self out there...ask for help...Befriend at least one other person and share some experience and hope with them. We all have it, or had it, BAD....but i personally am proof that my life can and did get better and Im glad I stuck around for the joys that are coming my way!!!!

You are loved and hang in there!!!!

kkotz401 · Senior Member

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Don't give up hope just yet. I will say a prayer for you. Just stay positive.