When most of us come into recovery, our lives are like living in a blender. The chaos and mayhem are unbearable. Our emotions are on steroids and we can't make sense of anything. That was me anyway, so it became perfectly clear to me that my first objective was to regain my sanity. With abstinence, a clearer mind and help from others, I could achieve this. I was lucky in connecting to a few people who got me to understand that little else mattered at this time, relationship, work etc. It was spelled out for me. I needed to "keep it simple"...but focused. I had to do steps 2 then 3 until I felt comfortable with the guy in the mirror (and his HP). It took a while.....and worked. That said, steps 2 and 3, plus the Serenity Prayer, were the crucial groundwork necessary and enabled me (and millions of others) to continue on with the rest of the steps. Thank you Bill and Dr. Bob!!!!!!
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I'm having a hard time with step 2. I break it down into 2 parts and I kind of have difficult with both.
First of all, I was raised unitarian universalist which is a pretty liberal religion. Sort of...like AA...believe what you want as long as it's larger than you. Now, I came to believe in a god that keeps everything in balance but doesn't really care about me. That's not working too good for me right now. I would like to believe in a god that when I pray, he does care for me. I see good things happen all the time. The higher power for the last 9 months has been the rooms of AA for the most part. I sort of have glimpses of god working through people. The meetings are spiritual and there does seem to be a larger force at work within them. From there, I also figure I am doing god's will by allowing him to let me help others. All this is fine and dandy, except for when I am not at work or involved in AA in some way. I pray, but I'm not sure who I am praying to. It just isn't as tangible outside meetings. How do I stay connected to a higher power then? I figure I need something stronger to believe in now because the rooms are great, but the longer I go...the more they seem like a given and less of a higher power.
Also, I'm not sure how much of my sanity can or will be returned to me. I stopped my insane drinking behavior. That's awesome. But I still have problems with depression and anxiety that I don't have faith that I will ever be rid of. So, I guess I am open to suggestions on how to move foward on this step a bit more.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I like that the step doesn't mention God. For me, coming into the program as a non believer, skeptical about organized religion, the last thing I wanted to hear is that I needed to get into God. Upon learning the real purpose of the step, I found that if I could be open minded enough to accept that "there was a power greater than myself" (I also substitute the word myself with my addiction), then that was a huge revelation for me. In doing so, since we feel the need to label everything, I decided to call this entity Higher Power. It didn't matter to me where this entity resided. We can't deny that when we look up into the stars at night, or see a newborn baby, or view a breathtaking scene, there is something greater than ourselves at work. When I meditate, I connect with what I feel is a higher power, therefore, I know where mine is and always has been, I just disconnected at some point. Call it another sense, layer, dimension, who cares. To me it is not something I believe in but rather something I "feel". I get a complete sense of liberation from this "awakening". In step 3, I just hand the bus's wheel over to my HP and say, "Your turn to drive for a while dude!" Next time you say the Lord's Prayer (we close our meetings with it) pay attention to the phrase "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done" and see that most people emphasize the words "come" and "will".......should be on "Thy" of course, makes all the difference. Anyway, just my take on the matter, not intended to preach or lecture here just things that work for me. Imagine how much energy we can conserve by not trying to control people, situations, outcomes and lots of other things, imagine how much saner we could become.
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I think looking at this in an "emotional" way, attaching some "human?" emotion to this Higher Power may help you. I know it did me. Take what you like from what I am about to say, and leave the rest, OK?
I came to an idea in recovery. An idea that although I was not "all that I wanted to be and feel" yet, I thought about how pitiful I had become, how sad, lonely, pathetic, desperate, and wanting to die I had become and remained for many years in my disease. And that it all was a direct result of my behavior, no two ways about it. Yet, this Higher Power, who, in your words, was busy with "balance" in the universe, actually WAS paying attention to me. How did I know this? Well, I asked myself, "why was I able to find the rooms of AA, when others had died doing the same things I was?" "What was so special about me that this Higher Power saw to it that I survived what others had not?" "What do my dearest of friends love about me, and did not this Higher Power give me those traits to begin with?" "What do I actually LIKE about myself at this point, and aren't those talents/traits, at least in some part, given to me by my Creator?" I got it down on paper. I needed to answer these questions in front of me (even some of them still go unanswered.)
Pink, I know where you are at. God is far off. Why does he not feel close to me? Or me close to him? I have found (and again, I say this only for myself) that I have not known how to "see" my Higher Power's attention to, and influence in, my life in positive and loving ways. Funny as it seems, I even look at the beautiful and loving dog I have, who is my WORLD, and I know that God picked her out just for me. He knew exactly what I "needed" in a canine companion. She is a gift to me from God. Simple things like that, learning for myself how to stop and look and "see" the ways in which I choose to believe that God is paying attention to the every detail of my life, has helped me to build on feeling that he is very close to me, and is very caring and compassionate. I have had to, at times, look for and count the tangible things, the "this is not a coincidence" kind of things that helped me to see God's "attention to detail" and therefore love for me as an individual, in my life. If he was responsible for so many of these little tender things, is he also not willing to do something wondrous like "restoring me to sanity"? He has been responsible for getting me to this point, will he not also go the distance for me? And if I believe he will do that for me, must he not adore me?
Again, if any of this is helpful to you, great. But it is from my own personal experience only, so take what you need and leave the rest.
((((hugs)))) Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
I'm having a hard time with step 2. I break it down into 2 parts and I kind of have difficult with both.
I too stuggled with step 2. I came in without a god that I recognized, and the only one I knew, was the one I had as a child. So I kept looking for the white haired guy on a throne up in the clouds. Big G, little o, d. but I didn't find it, because I didn't believe it existed. Finally I looked little harder at the step. It doesn't say believe in big G, little o, d. It says a power greater than myself. So I started looking for that. My first power was music. I realized that music could change the way I felt. It could make me happy, sad, mad, joyful, depressed etc... It was a power greater than me. So I turned my will and my life over to Bob Marley and the Wailers. And I stayed sober...... The insanity part, was easy. l accepted the big book definition. Insanity is picking up the first drink. Even after I knew that if I did, I didn't know where I'd go. What I'd do. Or who I'd do it with. I knew that if I picked up the first drink, my life was no longer in my control. But I would keep picking up that drink. That is insanity. There are lots of powers greater than myself out there. Pick one. Good luck on your journey... hope to meet you on the road of happy destiny... neil
Thanks for the responses all. By the way, nobody needs to worry about me disagreeing or getting offended at all... Even if a person does sound dogmatic to me in any way, I still value the suggestions because, if they are that enthusiastic, it must be working for them. And...like I said, I can see God working in and through others. There are only a few things that instantly shut my ears off...usually I find little value listening to people who hold and voice bigoted values about gay people. In the past, that stuff made me mad at God... I would be like "Thanks for writing that book that most people seem to think is justification for acting like they can condemn me straight to hell and discriminate against me openly by saying I am less than and don't deserve the same exact things they are entitled to." So...I guess that's part of my struggle with God too. At one time I think I owned a bumper sticker that said "God, Save me from your followers." I am a bit more open minded now though. I'll take recovery and wisdom from wherever I can get it.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
...Please restore us to sanity....I still use that one. Some days are better than others and I can still get sidetracked with some old OCD stuff. That transletes to just me me me stuff, and feel the discomfort from that immidiately if not sooner.
Just one day at a time, and when from a heart point of view, when I feel I am wondering away from a spiritual connection, I become aware that I have forgotten to use the meditation part of Prayer and Meditation. Silence with my Higher Power. As in....USE Step 11 daily.......I just forget then the discomfort gets to me, back I go to that wonderful, and peace producing Step.
When I came into the Program, was glaringly aware that I had to find a Higher Power that would work for me, and that meant trading in a lot of old ideas about a Religion I was raised in. It took time, and began to see for myself that I could have Faith in this renewed version of my Higher Power, that I choose to call GOD.
Always have FAITH that when I cannot seem to feel a personal God in my life, I just use Faith in........
Thanks for helping me stretch this heart muscle to write about it.
Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Thursday 25th of June 2009 07:04:31 PM
this may seem trite, but it is not said flippantly, when old timers say, fake it til you make it... to me this means if i just WANT to have faith in a higher power (we are not required to have faith at this very moment in time) i am taking a step in faith. Yes!!! just wanting to desire a higher power! be honest in 'not understanding', then open your mind to the possibility of a higher power who loves you, and some willingness to just Want to believe in a higher power (that you do not yet know), That represents faith in a higher power. that is the "H.O.W." of finding our higher power. and one other thing that has been impressed on me when i have personal difficulty with what i see and feel about "god stuff and other stuff".... if it is not my business, get over it and move on to what is my business. with love and prayers, dear.
