Do you know your Drinking pattern?

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Do you know your Drinking pattern?

kkotz401 · Senior Member

For me, I drink when I get lonley or when something bad happens to me. I used it as a way to cope with stress and as a way to mask things I didn't like about myself.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Good topic Dean,
My pattern would start with the tought of a drink, and how I could control it this time with all the knowledge acquired from past episodes and AA. This tought could come when I'm unhappy, bored, lonely or irritable. Even sometimes when I was happy and excited about something. It didn't really matter. I drank on all occassions.

I would go buy the amount I wanted to drink on this particular day. Usually a six pack would be my intention. At this point I preferred to drink alone at home while working around the house. I would get a buzz and feel good. Drive back to the store for more beer. Another six pack but only drink 2 and save the rest for later. Those two would be gone before I got back home. Feeling drunk now, what the hell I'll finish the rest. The wife gets home knows I'm drunk and is disgusted before I open my mouth. I get frustrated and leave.

Back to the store for more beer... what the hell... I'm in the dog house now... might as well drink. Come back home, she ignores me, I try to draw out of her exactly what the problem is? She doesn't answer. I'm drunk and want sex... she wants anything but. I get angry and become verbally abusive and go to bed.

Next morning wake up with extreme fear, guilt, remorse and hopelessness. Also at the end I'd have the am shakes.Back to the store to kill the pain and shakes. Drink all day trying to hide it. Become drunk and start the night all over again.
She finally had enough of me and threw me out. Just what she should've done.

At this point I was out of the house, job in jeapordy, no friends and no self esteem. I was spiritually broken. The drink isolated me and ran the show.

My last drunk started the same way... I was going out to control drink... I can handle it.... blacked out by 9:00pm, trip to the ER and woke up in the county jail at 8:00am. Only remember bits and pieces of the 11 hour journey.

That's what's waiting for me if I take that first drink.......

toni baloney · Senior Member

Good Morning Dean,

Was GREAT to see you Post.

What was my drinking pattern? Well it sounds like pretty much where your pattern took you, to the end of the Line.

After going to AA, over and over and over, I finally stopped going, convinced myself it was pointless to keep going and raising my hand. I figured that I was just not one that was ever going to make it without Alcohol. I made hundreds or thousands of commitments to myself, to the others in my life that cared about me, and yet I would go back, buy Alcohol, so many times after a meeting.

The AA Program with most of its members really enjoying Sobriety, and could see it in their eyes, and in their words, the the AA Program and the Steps up on the Walls that they constantly talked about, that the Recovery from Alcohol was something that they had attained, but was so full of Fear, mostly, the FEAR would drown out any thoughts of this being something I could attain. I would feel so bewildered that I would go and stop at the Liquor Store and be drunk before I fell asleep or pasted out.

And when I stopped making any effort to go back, that is when the decent into the real Grip of the Disease, or end stage some call it, that is where the Disease took me. Where all cholce to drink was gone, I drank 24/7 now, and thinking I was hiding that from my spouse only intensified when found out. And there were many of those times.

And because of the above, now I was left alone, to drink my life away. I did that for a few months, in looking back to those days, it is like looking into a blurr of Blackouts, would drink in the early day, to pass out my noon, and then start again, to pass out at night. I really did not want to live anymore. And did not know how to end my life, I had tried that before, and I failed, so I felt that ending my life was just a fantasy.

I cannot tell you how this happened, only that it did, I was crawling around on the deck of my house looking for large pieces of glass, feeling that if I were to completely cut open my veins, then I might be successful at bringing this grim existance to an end. Well the point was, there was no longer any glass, (I had kicked in a window after locking myself out one evening) and was sure that the man that fixed the window had left the glass there. But no, no glass, and it was at that moment, crawling all over, seaching for that glass, I gave up looking, looked up to a very dark Seattle day, and asked GOD, "Will you show me a different way" That was the moment that my life changed....forever. The Prayer to God for his Help, and coming back to the AA Program that safe my life, and would be a life changing event, very hard in the beginning, but easier with time

Did not feel so much like a Pattern, only how to keep 80% proof running through my body at all times.

This by the way was such a wonderful Post, Dean, it helped this Recovery Alcoholic.
Thank you! I need to remember. Good to write it out as well.

I have been Blessed, through only God's GRACE to have almost 19 years of continuous sobriety, but never want to forget where it is that I came from.

A giant hug to you,
Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Tuesday 23rd of June 2009 10:24:17 AM

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Great post Dean,

I never looked at it that way. My MO was that I didn't have an MO. I'd wake up in the morning and had beer sitting on the end table. I'd drink that before my morning cup of coffee. Then it was beer and coffee (my breakfast) and I'd drink all day until I past out.

If I had an MO, it would be where I would get my next case of beer. "Alright I wrote a check there yesterday, I should still be able to get beer today." (Because the check hadn't bounced yet)

Then when I knew it was there - on to another store - until it was time to find another town to buy it...

Really no MO... just persistent thoughts of where my next drink was coming from...

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

For me if it was there I'd drink it. I bought it and drank it. Some of the times I
drank to experiment with other drinkers promotions, "I found some great stuff".
I mood drank. If it wasn't one of my cultural mood I drank to ease me into it.
I drank to keep my alcoholic wife in visual custody and I drank to teach her how
to drink without all the chaos and crises and I was living within my own crises
without even seeing it. I drank until there was no more available and until I
could no longer lift the glass or move along the floor. I drank sociably and
forcefully (mood drinking)...I drank everything that you left on the counter
while I was cleaning up behind your drunk and when there was no more I
ran to get more. I drank to stay up and drink and rarely ever passed out
from drinking except for overdosing. I just drank. I have a compulsive
personality and I am a risk taker. I had my favorites and could let that go
to drink yours. I danced when I drank...discussed politics and religion when
I drank, drove after drinking and also with a beer twix my knees. I've ocean
dove before and after, flew a company plane with 80% percent of the corporate
staff on board after I drank, ran my boat at high speed while drinking...I lived
life pretty much under the influence. I stopped when it couldn't make the
crazies go away and when I couldn't have the second slug of whatever was
the booze of choice without starting a hangover.   I drank alone alot of times
cause I didn't want to carry bodies back to their families, the Navy base or
the hospital. I was also fear based...drinking washes rules out and I didn't
like having to resort to some animalistic behavior to save my ass.   When I
was done God got me out of my program into God's program. Although the
tiger inside has roared and scratched my innards just to get one. I haven't
and am not afraid not to.   I did a 4th to 9th on my drinking pattern and
history...it is one thing I don't look back over my shoulder about. HP will tap
my shoulder should I need to take a deeper look.

I have to admit considering this question Dean that a backward glance has
always been educational, confirmation that I am where I am supposed to be and
at times sickening. It wasn't the greatest of journies.

(((((hugs)))))

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I drank at first to be able to accept that I was gay and to socialize with other gay men...a HUGE fear that I kept shamefully to myself until age 25. Gay bars became habit forming after coming out. Like that is the only place to be social with other gay people when you are gay. Deluded myself into thinking that way for a good decade. After that, I drank largely when hit with anxiety and fear of change. I would surround myself with other people that drank like I did and this convinced me that I didn't have a problem for a long time. I had an alcoholic partner so it didn't phase me that our house was in shambles, our finances were a wreck, and that over time, we'd drank all our friends away until it was just me and him. I would get off work, "Wow what a rough day" and start drinking the hardest booze I could buy at the convenience store which was usually wine or some really pitiful Thunderbird, Wild Irish Rose, or Cisco...Clearly drinking to get drunk and not for the taste. My partner would be half lit or drinking himself most of the times when I got home so it was just like joining the party (yeah...a great party of 2 people). Eventually, it all fell apart and the crap hit the fan. So basically, I drank out of complete codependency, fear of growing up, to manage anxiety... And in the end, This is where I became a daily drinker for a period of about 6 months or so...I drank because I didn't want to deal with the fact that I was no longer compatible with my partner of 7 years...I didn't love him any more. I was scared to death of living on my own. I didn't believe I could take care of myself....and I drank to avoid changing and coming to grips with all of that crap. Hence, this first 9 months has been a challenging road...but there is no turning back now. I have the same motto "Don't drink no matter what." I am growing and changing, but came into AA so full of fear and still have a lot I am working through with the program and therapy of my own. It does beat where I was 9 months ago. That is for sure.

MDC · Senior Member

My patter:

I drink/drank when thing were good, to celebrate. When thing were bad, to cope. Happy, sad. relaxed, stressed, realxed. I can think of all reasons to drink. "when I broke a shoelace..."

I'm more interested in sobriety patterns, This is where I need help. Why stay sober?

Anyway, for every reason to drink, i can use the SAME reason to drink. Maybe i'm just screwed-up.

karen · Veteran Member

My drinking pattern begins with lonliness or anger. I would fight it as long as I could and then I'd get a case of the f--- it's and go get just a 6 pack knowing full well I'd just have to go back for more.

I would tell myself that I'd be fine, I wouldn't drive or go to a bar and certainly wouldn't sleep with a stranger. I'd also tell myself that I would eat and drink more slowly to avoid a black out.

Each and every time, I did drive, I did end up in a black out, I would ignore eating anything and most of the time I'd go to a bar or call an old "one night stand" and do it all over again. I can't really say how my drunks were because for the last several years I am in a blackout after the first 4 or 5 bears but I would go through at least a 12 pack or more.

The next day I'd wake up afraid. If I wasn't alone, I'd make them leave as soon as possible. Then I'd go through my purse (when I worked up the courage), ck out my car, look through my apartment and then ck out my body for new bruises. I'd also go through my phone to see if anyone called and I'd ck the last number dialed to see if I'd called one of my grown kids. I'd just try to access the damage all the way around.

My hangovers would last about 2 days, the guilt and remorse being the worst part of it. I'd swear that I would get back to a meeting. I'd drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness and the strength to get back to meetings and stay on the right road. But the better I felt, the less I thought I needed meetings. And I'd go it alone, dry, for about a week or even a month or two depending on how bad the drunk was.

I've had one DUI and that was 12 yrs. ago. I've been real lucky that I haven't had any real serious consequences lately....yet. I stand to lose my job, my car, my home and what's left of my family. As I was reminded on this message board, the progression of this disease will sneak up on me and hit me hard. I don't want to be available for that, I want sobriety and I want this program of living to be my life. I am so glad that I found this board. It's wonderful to have all of you right here at my fingertips.

karen · Veteran Member

oops, just noticed I misspelled beer in the third paragraph. It says I'd be in a blackout after the 4th or 5th bear! I suppose that would be true for me too!

Chewie · Member

I was a solid beer drinker. To me, beer was like salt with a meal. You know how there are food items you can't eat without salt? That was me with beer.

I drank when I was happy because beer went so well with joy.

I drank when I was sad because beer went so well with misery.

I love movies, and every movie I liked was a good "beer-drinking movie."

I could not attend sporting events without beer.

I could not have sex unless the girl could split a twelve-pack with me first (usually three for her, nine for me), and I had to make sure there was beer in the fridge for us to drink in bed afterwards.

I could not drive without a beer between my legs.

I could not go to family functions without a cooler in my trunk, which I would steal away to suckle at my leisure.

In sort, Beer was the spice of my life, and I drank it in mass quantities. In Kansas, we could not buy beer on Sundays, so I would try to have three twelve-packs in my fridge on Saturday night--one for the noon NFL game, one for the 3:15 p.m. game, and one for the evening game. Yes, I drank a twelve-pack a game, which is only three beers a quarter, and yes, I felt nothing when I went to bed on Sunday night.

The hardest thing for me getting sober was learning how to enjoy things without beer. That was the first part of sobriety for me, turning my life over to God and learning to do life without my crutch.

Today, as an example ... I love baseball, and I can't imagine attending a game drunk. I enjoy the ballpark too much and do not want to miss a single minute of it.

Dodsworth · Senior Member

I cannot remember the last time I bought alcohol thinking- " I'll only have a few..." . When I drink there is no pretense to it- its just plain-"Alright, let's get drunk". Of all the "reasons" for drinking I can say that the number one thing that I run from is depression. The state of being sober is so uncomfortable that I choose the insanity of the drink knowing what will transpire anyway. So, I would go get my usual (pint of vodka + 6pack) and hole up in my apartment because drinking out in public only gets me arrested or in fights. I would forgo any plans with friends because they would only slow down my drinking. I would black out every time and upon wakening, check myself for injuries, check my cell phone to see who i called, and make sure my possessions were in order. Without exception one of those would be amiss. I would repeat the whole process the next day. I will add that before every drunk I would promise myself that I wouldn't break anything or call up anyone at 3am, but I think I only kept that promise 1 out of every 50 times.