I've been in toxic shock before...overdose of alcohol; too much, too quickly, too compulsive. Then I was led into recovery and I have never had to do that again yet at the moment I am coming down from toxic shock from another angle... I was called out to and agreed to a 12th step this morning. Gave myself 20 minutes to think about it and prepare (I am not delusional any more) and then went. In my estimation not HP's, this is an end stage alcoholic who has a similar awareness can mouth the words "I want sobriety" (conditional...my way, without a HP and with occasional use),..."but". I know better than to react to the "but". I also know that "there but for the grace of God go I and Turn him over after you have done your work."
I gave the best I learned and had with both he and his wife (I am a double) I wasn't there to 12step both however she is an Al-Anon member and that program practices the same 12th step. It's not HP's will to with hold ESP from anyone when the opportunity is presented. Sharing with a practicing alcoholic is like teaching a pig to sing. They never get a note right and it only pisses of the pig!!
The shock comes from knowing this program works and works miracles for those that practice and from the intense hope and awareness for those that want it. He was too under to really want it and when the booze was wearing off he excused himself for a moment and went and relit the fire. It is at that point that I was taught and it is contained in the Big Book that I break off, turn them over to HP and wish him well. She will continue in her program and wants it desperately. He wants another drink. He has had 3 emergency visits in the past 30 days or so. We all discussed and agreed to the score. I have held the hand of other alcoholics as they crossed the dividing line. I had hope then and have hope now. My experience is also that when it comes to the will of God I am clueless and that God will do for you me and others what we cannot do for ourselves while permiting us to do what we will not do for ourselves. I could judge the size and power of the disease and the degree of of this mans willingness by the odor of his most recent drink and that was after we discussed the "willingness to do anything" to get and stay sober. I could sense his spouses determination, the odor of the most recent drink and my own determination to stay sober along with the metaphor I remember that became my present example for humility and willingness. That was the news of an alcoholic woman who knowing that she could never attain or direct her own sobiety attended a recovery program with a bag over her head daily for two weeks and needed to be led from bed, to rest room, to cafeteria, to meetings and over and over until she got it. That metaphor turned out to be my alcoholic ex-wife. I would have bet she would have died first. Wrong again...God can and will if he is sought.
So I sit here with expectation of input and ESH with the "God can and will..." thought stuck firmly to the velcro on my head and heart...feeling toxic as hell as I always have. To get this close to the disease as a sober member of the fellowship of AA and feel sober and powerless at the same time is humbling. "There but for the grace of God..." "God grant me the serenity to..." "Lord I offer my self to Thee..."
Feeling small and toxic and humble and grateful. There are few others who would understand other than here and at a meeting and the meeting isn't for hours.
I am embarking upon a journey this week, through re-visiting the 12 steps over some days of solitude and silence, other than with my sponsor, because my Higher Power has put on my heart that I am not doing ENOUGH to help the next gal out there. I have over 10 years experience in attempts at recovery, have had a few years sober several times, and this time I refuse to fade off into the wild blue yonder. I have shy of a couple of years sober now, and if I am to continue to live the life of depth and purpose that I have now, which I always wanted, I must change a few things, starting with being AVAILABLE to other suffering alcoholics.
I have been the slackest of them all the past 6 months or so. I have not been getting to regular meetings. I pick and choose, go to a few in a period of time, then find myself thinking, "shit, I haven't been to a meeting in.... God, how many weeks? (months???)"
Thing is, at this juncture, I have the experience, the miracle that was a young woman living the life of an alcoholic addicted to other items, living on the streets by CHOICE for 18 months at a time, in and out of scrapes, the county slammer and having near-death experiences all too regularly, who has now managed to graduate from college and keep a marriage going to an "earth person", work a terrific and fulfilling job of helping others, and being able to be at total peace and serenity by myself and with my God..... and my, hat a waste of a miracle if I am not holding out this miracle in the palm of my hand, for some suffering young woman to grasp ono and explore and believe in.
Surely, I had many sponsees in th past where I suffered the innocent ignorance of attaching each young woman's "success in recovery" to MY ability and MY power and MY expectations. How humbling that not one of them stayed sober. And even more humbling, eventually, neither did I. I lacked the awareness that this was and is God's Show, not mine. That God has the chapters planned out, the strategy put forth and the ways and means to bring one to Him in recovery; that this is about not only the other person learning, but about ME learning and remaining free of expectations.
I know this now. I am not supposed to "carry the message" to boost my own ego, to garner expectations of outcomes I feel "entitled to" as a sponsor, no, I am to carry the message out of sheer humility, gratitude, thanks for the Way of Life that was given to me as a gift that I never deserved, but want to chase now and run after with arms open wide. I cannot sit back, being "afraid to carry the message" again, because I never "failed" to begin with. I just perceived it the wrong way. I nver failed, so long as I was reaching out my hand, praying for someone, showing a sufferer the Steps and the Big Book, giving a woman a ride to a meeting, answering the phone when I was tired to just let someone share their pain. I am growing up to the knowledge that this is not a win-lose thing, carrying the message, there are no points given or deducted based on the outcome of the 12th Step call or the rides given or the phon calls answered. It matters not. That I FEEL humbled and unbelievably grateful nowadays, that I recognize how EASY life is with a sound mind and a sober heart, is something that I LONG to share with another. Even if they can't "get it", if it isn't "their time", or if my heart breaks for them. It IS AA... it is what AA ultimately IS... becoming capable, and then being AVAILABLE, to LIVE sobriety. And by sobriety's very nature, who wouldn't want to share it? Who wouldn't want to work through issues together with God to remove the expectations (and forecasts and hunches) about what the outcome is going to be, is he going to get sober, is she going to not drink this weekend........ in order to share out of a simple motive?
The simple motivation I have right this very moment is to get myself to a worthy place where I can help someone with steps, because I am again working them. To get myself to the place where I can encourage someone to go to meetings, because I am going, myself. To get myself to a place in my spirituality where it is no longer about me, but about the ACTION in Step 12 itself.
I have learned how to detach from so much in my life, that I have been through God's Grace, able to overcome incredibly painful and shocking events in my marriage and life, surely I can detach from clinging to outcomes in 12th Step work, and start really giving all that to God. I can give anything else to God if I am willing to do it, and now it is time to give othe 12th Step to Him as well. Curiously, sponsorship and giving was not something I was GIVING to God. I was using my own "power" to help others, and I now see that.
If I can get active again and start proclaiming my powerlessness to myself in ALL things, especially in helping other alcoholics, I shall have no fear of it.
Sorry for the ramble, but I really felt moved, with what I am going through right now (such a posiive thing), and what you shared with us tonight. You just strengthened my resolve to overcome isolation, and I thank you for it.
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Mahalo Nancy and Joni...It's been a 5+ hour hangover from the event. I heard in the past about standing too close to the fire. I can use and I am grateful for your response Joni it brings me back to a question my sponsor use to ask, "What are you doing and why?" He also use to ask "Why are you doing it that way?" helping me to understand that there are consequences and I get to have them also. I revisited in this 12th step that place of time just before I got into recovery...that place of not being afraid to die just not wanting to do it while insane. Working with this fellow had me revisit that place and others. In telling him about my own journey I told him that as I talked with him I had a slide show running in my memory and though he may not know what I felt then I got to refeel it again. I can count the memory a blessing and know I will not revisit and it feels toxic. I have told lots of other drunks that I have never lost the compulsion to drink...ever. I have not and neither have I lost the memory of it not a single second and I have heard other drunks say that it is a blessing (I agree) though not a pleasant one. It isn't real. If feels real like a drunk dream but in reality there is nothing to fear.
I cannot predict or project the will of God based upon what I have just been thru. I will express gratitude that there was and still is a place that I can be that supports my decision to not drink again in spite of anyone elses wishes.
Any way you look at it Jerry, you tried to do something great. I know you've been around long enough to hear about "planting the seed." Hopefully, this guy will live long enough for the seed you planted to grow. Hopefully, he wasn't too wasted for the seed to get planted. Like you said, you never know when God might work a miracle. He could wake up one day and go "What was all that stuff Jerry said?" Hrmmm?" With a powerful drug stealing a person's soul, it would seem more likely than not that the person won't grab on to the message. So expecting nothing would seem to be a good way of avoiding disappointment and feeling gratitude when the rare person actually responds. I admire you for being able to go out and do a 12th step/intervention. I know I can only try and do that from behind a computer right now and not in person...that would take me out. I am getting better at helping people face to face at meetings who have like 1 day, but even that is still a little hard for me when it's that up close and in front of me. Thanks for being a good example to the newcomer (me in this case) by posting about this.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
