Mark, I'm missing a few pieces of the story here.  I know you tried going to meetings, but from the way you described the ones you went to, it sounded so weird the way people would drink afterwards and say it was about knowing when is enough.  That does not sound like AA to me which left me wondering if you were going to AA meetings or some alternate program which I know there are some of.  There are researchers who have developed controlled drinking programs, but I don't know of their efficacy and they certainly aren't as time proven as AA.  I had 2 alcoholic uncles.  One got sober the way of AA and it worked.  The other threw himself into alternative addictions which mainly consisted of exercise (to the point of him being emaciated and blowing out both knees) and also being devoutly methodist.  He stayed sober also without AA.  The uncle who went the AA way did become a bit less of an angry person, more spiritual, and he tried to make amends for doing some really rotten things.  He hurt more people through his drinking.  The one who went the way of church and exercise remains (he is still alive) highly opinionated, rigid in many ways, and carries some hate with him in the form of racisms and ultraconservative rightwing political views. 

Anyhow, from all your posts, it didn't sound like you gave the real AA much of a shot.  I am not even sure you went to AA sanctioned meetings because NO AA GROUP would endorse anything but abstinence from alcohol.  Plus, I know you had a guy you were talking to, but he was from whatever group that was....He didn't sound like a real sponsor the way AA intends it to be.  So here are my suggestions:  I know Dean emailed you a list of REAL meetings in your area.  Check some out until you find ones that match what we are saying on here.  Mostly the message is the same all over the world so I don't understand how you found the group you did that had those screwy practices.  You are stuck on step 1 because it sounds like to me that you are not really going to REAL AA meetings and working a REAL AA program.  You can't work these steps without meetings and a sponsor from AA.  Working steps alone is futile and can actually mess you up more than help you.  The best thing you can do is find a genuine AA meeting and surrender.  Pick up that white chip, introduce yourself, say you are looking for a sponsor and take it from there.  Step 1 is about honesty and surrender.  You need to honestly admit alcohol has you whipped and your life is unmanageable.  You think it's manageable because you aren't homeless and drinking out of a paper bag...but be HONEST, you are still unhappy, full of fear, and stumbling while trying to keep it together while still drinking.  That is Unmanageability....even if you haven't wound up on the streets, in a mental ward, or whatever....YET.  So basically, I'm suggesting you hit some meetings and find the AA that we all know works if you work it....and Surrender to it Mark...stop fighting so hard.  There is an easier way (though it's not all peaches and cream...it's still life on life's terms).  I just know in my heart if you give AA (The REAL AA) a shot and get out of your own way...it will work.  I believe it.  You don't have to struggle so hard and you never have to drink again if you give yourself to the program.

Mark

Aloha  Mark...It does sound like you are now pretty familiar with step one;
powerlessness, unmanageability etc.   Lets get on to step two and lets
not rush it because eventually "we will come to believe".  Focus on a few
important parts of this step..."a power GREATER THAN OURSELVES" and
the destination of SANITY.  Can you identify that both are very important
at this time where you are trying to figure this out all by yourself and you
are residing in the state of insanity as a result.

You don't know how to do it and what you are doing isn't working because
you are powerless over what it is that you are trying to control and manipulate
all by yourself with tools that don't work and haven't worked ever and because
of it there is large evidence that the condition is one of total unmanageability
and the need for a change in management with a substitution for a more
POWERFUL successful manager which if not employed insanity will remain and
if employed will result in a more clear and orderly process of thought, feelings
spirit and health or rather shortly sanity.

To me your addiction is running the show.  As long as it does and you let it
and you continue to ingest alcohol you will continue to get what it is that your
getting in spite of what you say you desire.   Even saying that sounds insane.

Just do it!  works.

(((((hugs)))))

Mark:

I've watched your struggles here over the past months.  You are looking for instant, microwave solutions to problems that have developed over a long period of time; it just isn't going to work that way.  The answer is the same:  get to an A.A. meeting TODAY (run don't walk!!!), get a new sponsor, and stop thinking so much (tell your brain to "shut the **** up!").    BEFORE you pick up a drink, call a fellow A.A. member (you should be getting a lot of phone numbers in your DAILY A.A. meetings--you have to use them though).

Resolving our issues with work, kids, spouses, etc. takes time.  Mainly, we learn how to live comfortably with some unresolved issues.  In the meantime, we use ALL of the tools: meetings, sponsor, A.A. friends, 12 Steps, prayer, sitting on our hands, crying when we need to, journalling, ANYTHING but picking up a drink. 

I promise you, if you fully utilize all of the tools of A.A., your life is going to change for the better.  But, you have to have the honesty, openmindedness and willingness to do what is suggested.  None of us can do that for you.

Please keep coming back here and posting, but don't use this as a substitute for face-to-face A.A. meetings.  "If you want what we have, and are willing to go to ANY LENGTH to get it, THEN you are ready to take certain steps."  Big Book, Chapter 5.

Love,
BGG

-- Edited by BGG on Wednesday 17th of June 2009 01:28:42 AM

Seriously, just try a real AA meeting every day and then post here what you learned in that meeting. Even friggin try it for a solid week. I stand by what I said before..also..

From How it Works:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has THOROUGHLY followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being HONEST with themselves.

Skip forward a bit:

Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get it - then you are ready to take certain steps.

At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.


What I have seen is you rationalizing, trying to cling on to your old ways of thinking, trying to maintain control when the answer is to let go, and taking half measures instead of full ones. That is why AA isn't working for you. That is why recovery isn't happening. That is why you are stuck on step one. My suggestion...in no way are you in a position to ponder step 2. You need the actual program of AA which includes fully surrendering and doing whatever it takes. You keep snatching your will back and thinking you are your own God and are going to solve this chaos with your own actions, inactions, or just thinking your way around it. That is not the way it works. Read above.

With that said, all I can say is I am not a perfect person, but I know this works. I too had a job, a relationship, an education, people depending on me daily with their problems... But my life was a total friggin wreck and it was rapidly getting worse largely due to my drinking, but more so due to my ego and outrageous character defects (only able to see that after putting down the bottle). Other people on here with more time have greater serenity than I do. I sound pretty enthusiastic and like I have all the answers, but I really only have 1. Do the program. I don't want you to have to get to the "Yets" which are waiting for you if you continue down the path you are on. If you decide not to take these suggestions...my advise then is go out and drink some more until you are ready to fully concede that alcohol is ruining your life and you need to let something larger than yourself take over.

Mark,

I can only speak for myself, but I know others here probably feel the same way. I feel PAIN when I read and see where you are at, because it is all too familiar to me. It sucks being where you are at. Some of us were there for a very long time. Wanting to "want" sobriety, but then not REALLY REALLY wanting it. It is a tough spot to be in.

I want to remind you of the saying "Keep Coming Back", and I would add to that, "even if you're not ready!!!"

I wish that you would plunge headlong into physical meetings and support. But I cannot wish you into a solid foundation of recovery, any more than I could have wished it for myself back when. I do want to say that forums like this were not available to me when I first started on the road to recovery, and I am actually kid of thankful, in retrospect. I was an all-or-nothing person, and that quality insured that I was involved in AA 24/7 back then. But I digress.... this forum has helped more people to get involved in face-to-face AA than not, from what I can see. So that is a good thing.

It sounds from your post like you are pushing the idea of AA away at this point. And I worry about that, but I cannot predict someone else's success or failure at recovery. I am not that wise.

I will say that you make me grateful every day for where God has brought me to on this journey. The suffering you face lasted me for 10 years, a very long and painful decade of sitting on the fence. Every day I hope to come here and log on and find that you have made a big breakthrough and given up your own will to "do it yourself". I still hope that as the days go by I can see you here doing just that.

Continued prayers for you, and I certainly amd not going to give up hope for you. You deserve all that sobriety has to offer, so does your family. And if MIP helps you find it, then it will be a true blessing.

Joni

Dear Mark, there is only one thing you have to change & that is.. Everything! You're sharing in terms of the Steps referencing to Step 1 so you're openmindedness & desire is there. Like you say you're stuck on what to do next. Meetings are crucial for you especially at this point. You need the literature. You need reliably sober male friends from AA & you need to keep on trying no matter what. It is true that you may need more research before you concede to your innermost self that not only are you alcoholic but that you cannot manage your own life.

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell on Wednesday 17th of June 2009 07:42:22 PM

Lots of good advice up above.  When I first went into treatment I still had a job but knew I would soon be losing it.  My wife and I had been separated for nearly 8 months, and I was freaked out about the thought of trying to make a $1,275 rent payment on this house by myself with no job.

Well I still don't have a job (except a little part-time karaoke hosting job which they keep giving me fewer hours at) and my wife and I are still separated with no likelihood of getting back together anytime soon.  But I'm calmer now and I think somehow things will be ok no matter what.  And I haven't even worked any steps with a sponsor yet.  I have worked steps 1-3 by myself, but will be re-doing them with my new sponsor (I'm on my third one, oh well so much for doing everything perfectly from the very beginning.)

So why am I calmer?  It's because I committed to attending 90 AA meetings in 90 days, and I'm about 2/3 of the way toward reaching that goal.  Might be the first really important goal I've ever set for myself that I actually will (hopefully) achieve. I go to a meeting almost every day, never miss more than 3 days in a row, (that only happened once when I was out camping), and make it up by going to more than one a day sometimes.  I've started connecting more with people - you do this by committing to spending a bit of time before and after the meetings, sticking your hand out and introducing yourself to strangers.  It's TOUGH.  It's a leap of faith.  But it's starting to pay some dividends, however slowly.

And that's the last part.  You have to be committed, but you also have to be patient and let things happen in their own time, not yours.  Listen to people who have what you want, try to let in as much as you can handle at any given time, reflect on it as much as you can without going bonkers, and just have faith that if you keep working the AA program and put your sobriety first over everything else, eventually you'll get what you need.  (If you don't put your sobriety first, eventually you'll lose everything else anyway). 

Good luck (to me and to you!)

Just to clarify, they NEVER encouraged "controlled drinking in theIt was a "sponsor," who, I believe was there just to meet the ladies there. I guess in my "fog" of early sobriety, i wasn't making very wise choice of whom to listen. It was a bad experience and I know it isn't how things usually work. In my situation, looking at everyone there, he seemed to have it all together, nice car, good job, and all the ladies... Looking back, i have a truck, SUV, House and a wife and kids. It's just too easy when you are scared, lonely and confussed, to get caught up in all the "trappings."

I am going to meeting on the way home from work. It's still uncomfortable, but change alway is for me. I really want to want this, but I'm still confussed.

Maybe confussed isn't the right word, more like scared.

Mark