I had a bad day yesterday. well I started out bad by 'asking' my husband what I should do with the kids. I was actually trying to put him on a guilt trip for not being able to spend it with us or for not asking what I would be doing with the kdis so I said something awful I said it seems to me that he jsut doesnt care what I do as long as I do it quietly. Well I dont know what came over me. I set myself up for a reaction from him and boy did he react . He first shouted and told me that I was so ungrateful and that I could only think of myself and not even consider that he has to go to 'work' every day and try to put a smile on about it and all I ever want him to do is to hate it. So the whole day he wouldnt take my calls and I was worried by 7pm well I was worried about him but I was realistically thinking that he was not coming back( remember I have been doing this every day for about a year).I keep telling him I will stop and change my behaviour but I jsut start all over again- self pity , denial , blaming him, or anyone but me. I play the victim.
I was so distraught that I had probably screwed it up and I jsut had a few sips of whiskey. I cant explain why as you know, I guess I really wanted it, jsut to taste it again. See if it could solve my feelings, well it did for about 5 min. and then he came home and told me it was overi immediately got defensive then angry then begged to have another chance. I know that something has to really 'give'. I have promised myself and others so many times- I am not reliable. I told my husband about an AA meeting that I wa seager to attend. He said that if I needed that then I must go. Well I msised last nights one but I will make one on Sunday. I cannot wait. I spoke to a woman in recovery and I was jsut so relieved to hear her saying the same things that i have been feeling, about her life. I do believe that that will be the only way for me.
The one problem that i have niggling at me is that I think my husband thinks that I am weak to try to improve myself with others help, He believes in doing things by himself and for himself. It works for him. I do need others help and reassurance- is that [erhaps wrong that I will grow dependant on AA in a way. I am easily taken. I am scared of getting all wrapped up in it and losing touch with myself. I know if I improve then what is the problem , If I can fix myself it will be better than living like this.
well I won't bash you over the head with the program except to say
this is a WE program and you can't do it by yourself...get a network of people ASAP and get to meetings no matter what it takes. what i said has been proven. Get a big book a 12 and 12 and stop picking up the drink and read.
I love you and yes i am being frank but this disease isn't a joke, time to be more resposible. while you can salvage your life. Don't let the drink deside your bottom, let it be you who desides...
by the way thanks for being honest, that is a great start. cause that will help you significantly in recovery. It is actually what will save you from yourself.
It's ok to feel you want a drink. You just can't pick it up.
Maybe you can quit easily today. The day will come when you can't and you have no choice but to drink.
I was sober for 6 years and went on a field trip that lasted 7. Gods only knows if I could stop if I picked up.
This is no game here. I have a friend, sober for 40 years. He says to drink is to die, sometimes sloooowly or Quick. Strong medicine!! Good luck Ya gotta quit drinking to Quit. Only you pour it in. no one holds us down. your share and honesty will help you
Don't beat yourself up about all this, just try and keep sober from now on. They say things do get better if you just stay sober. You'll only make it 100 times worse if he comes home and you are drunk one day.
Get your support around you from AA and come here and post often,
Suzy, Thanks for your honesty. In AA the saying is HOW- Honesty,Openmindness, Willingness - that's how this works.I have to have these three things operating in my life to work this program.
I hope you will get serious and get to that meeting, you have pointed out many of your defects of character, soooo you already have an idea what some of them are, working the Steps with a sponsor, listening at meetings and not drinking will make you a stronger person, not a weak person. Alcoholics are not weak people, they are people with a disease of the body, mind and spirit, and it requires a doctor,and that is what I found in AA, God and on this board.
I felt that same fear about a week ago. AA can be a very scary place at first. But I think that fear is just the ego fighting for it's life. It'll tell you anything to keep you from changing. But think it through. If you're a real alcoholic, your choices are recovery, death, or an insitution. Recovery seems like the easier way out doesn't it? Don't think about changing your whole life right now. Just think about not drinking for one day, going to one meeting, taking one action. That's as far as you need to look ahead. And stop listening to that thing between your ears, it wants to kill you.
Let your husband think want he wants to think. You can't control him. If you have some alternative other than getting sober, take it. But if you're down to getting sober or nothing, just do what you have to do and let others think and feel about it as they will. A man last night spoke at my meeting and said "I hope that, if you're new hear, you have nothing left, that you've lost it all. I hope you haven't got one good idea left in your head, because then you'll be willing to 'thoroughly follow' our path".
Now I'm feeling like I was too strident and "know it all" in my tone. I don't know shit, really. I've got eleven days sober this time around. I've had as much as ten years, but my ego drove me away from the program and I drank again. Sorry if I sounded like some sort of guru. The stuff I say is only repeating stuff I've heard from people at meetings with a lot of sobriety.
The only thing I REALLY know right now is that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. I will die if I don't work this program. I may lose my family anyway. AA can sometimes put quite a strain on a family and I may have caused enough damage that the strain of my recovery pushes it over the edge. But what choice do I have? None. I've proven over and over that when I'm not in recovery, I drink. When I drink, I start a process that will take away my family, my job, and eventually my life. So it's this or nothing for me.
Hey Frankie easy on yourself, your post was good. I thought, wow this guy is getting it quick.
Nobody can take away what you learned before your 11 new days. Yes you are only 11 days sober, but You just may have better soberity right now THAN YOU HAD AT 9 YEARS AND 364 DAYS. ALL we have is today buddy. If we stay sober today were all tied for first place. Good share. After being sober a while I put myself on a pedastol. People came and people went. I wondered why? Then away I went and didn't even know why??? The BB says there will be a time when no human power can help and we must rely on GOD. Thank God I got back. Thank GOD you got back. You will be ok> I see you found humility ( your second post) LET GO LET GOD. I just woke up from a nap---not my plan today. And I sure didn't expect to be posting right now.
Hey Frankie, I'm with Rick, I'm glad your back, some never make it back. And it sounds like to me you are listening and learning and shareing.I think what you shared in the first post was great.
If you had cancer, would your husband expect you to NOT go to the doctor and get treatment? This is not a question of willpower, this is a disease of body mind and soul. AA is our medication. It is the defense against relapse. By working the steps and attending meetings you will be taking your medicine, but this medicine doesn't taste that bad.
