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Post Info TOPIC: All comes down to choice...
wantneeda


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All comes down to choice...
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Just wanted to let you in on some happenings in my life at THIS moment in time....
I've really been trying to get back to the basics of my tools. In treatment i was taught to do regular spot checks throughout the day....what am i thinking,...what am i feeling.
Getting into the swing of life on lifes terms, i am busy with work and my girls and just day to day stuff, the days are really flying by. I'm amazed at all the WASTED time i've spent in my life and how little i seem to be accomplishing, although i am clean and sober and soo grateful for that i just feel life is soo short and time is passing me by.
A friend of my daughters did ecstacy on Friday night, the second time he'd done it, he ended up in a big fight with his dad on Saturday morning and tried to hang himself...he's only 16-17 years old!! His dad found him and with his mom they cut him down..he's now laying in the hospital in a coma. SO young, on the outside he appeared to have everything together. Just goes to show...how our out and insides don't match.
My daughter keeps saying how she remembers seeing him at a rave not long ago...how happy and how much fun he was having...fast forward a couple of weeks, his life could be over as he knew it.
What started out as a hush hush subject became an all day topic at her school yesterday. Teachers and students alike, everyone knows...
In her life transitions class my daughter broke down in tears and her teacher in convo after class asked her if she cared to share her story with everyone. My duaghter has been wanting to do this for sometime now and respectively asked my permission first..xo. She feels that kids will listen to a fellow student with more openmindedness than a teacher.
She's nervous, i suggested she not think too much about her words and just speak from the heart, i asked her if i could be there, she prefers me not to be.
Ya know,,,if i had a big eraser and could wipe out the pain from my girls hearts, i would, but i can't. My life in active addiction was chaos in the grandest sense, today addiction to chaos has lessened.
I thought i was somewhat over my guilt and shame, on a forgiving path, but this happening just brought it all up again...reality.
I'll probably never know the extent of the pain i caused them and what they went through for almost 4 years while i was out of their life, and i can't change it but accept it..easier said than done.
And yes, my biggest amend today is staying clean and sober , just feel like there should be more than that...like something i could say or do to ease it all...a quick fix...i can't think of one.

For those addicts out there who are active...if the next drink or drug you took ends your life as you know it, or someone elses...take a full 60 seconds to make that choice, sit with both feet on the floor to ground yourself..look at the clock...60 seconds is longer than one thinks...your choice could change your or someone elses life...forever!! I choose recovery today!!!
I had a call yesterday from someone i know wanting me to help them get into detox, and another friend who called all coked up...i'm sooo grateful that's not me today!!!
My daughter started a prayer e-mail that is circulating widely..could you add him to yours?


Every day i get on the bus to go to work there are kids on at the back of the bus talking about how great getting drunk is and high...i want to scream out...it will kill you!!! but i can't.  i dig out my discman and drown them out with music....music is an escape form for me these days.


Often lyrics say how i feel but i don;t know i feel that way till i hear it...i have a really hard time putting my thoughts into words...saying what i mean or meaning what i say.


An update on my Mom...she goes to the doc on Friday,,but just got a call from a specialist and they found something on her xrays...but can;t see the specialist till July 27th!!! thats a long time!!


God is not giving us more than we can handle right??


Mothers day this weekend..i can only be with mine in my heart...i want to wish our mom's here a very happy Mothers Day!!!
thankyou, bless you, \\//peace and luv, Wendy, a drug addicted alcoholic in recovery



-- Edited by wantneeda at 13:38, 2005-05-03

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GammyRose


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Wendy, What a powerful share and you don't seem to have a problem saying what you mean.Thank you.


I will be praying for the young man and his family. A 14 year old boy shot himself a few weeks ago. Our town is very small and this has really rocked everyones world.There have been town meetings, the opening of a christian based hang out for teens,meetings about the use of Meth in our community, I hope it all continues. I think it will be good for your daughter to share, the more we tell our story , the stronger we become. Is she in any kind of program, Ala-teen? At the meeting on Meth a friend of mine who's been in NA for 15 years , told her story, it took a lot of courage, as I said this is a small town. I've heard it said so many times we are only as sick as our secrets and I know that was true for me.


Wendy, please let time take time, you are so right the biggest amend you can make is to stay clean and sober. That is the hardest for us and it means the most, we have to build that trust in our families.I have to remind myself everyday, that all I have is today.I can't do anything about yesterday and I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can sure dance today, I can love, I can forgive, even myself,because the name of the game is progress not perfection, I can reach out to others who are hurting and I can laugh with those who are laughing. God gave me today and I'm here and I am so grateful you are here too. We are all in this together.


Thanks again for the share. I will be praying for your daughter, for your Mom, maybe she can see a Dr. sooner, and HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to you too. You deserve it my friend. 


(((Hugs)))


GammyRose



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wantneeda


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She was actually just talking about Alateen for tonight...i really hope she goes, we only have alateen meetings here on Tuesday nights.  My daughter just came home from school for lunch...i guess her school won't let her share until they have written permission from me. I think its a good idea...if it helps even one person..it's worth it..not to mention healing for her...i really pray for that.


Another friend of hers was over the other night and said to her afterwards that he thinks i am a


"pretty cool 'rent"...i said whats a 'rent?...lol she laughed at me and said...PArent...oh...lol


Meanwhile thinkin' to myself...ya cool alright...left my girls for drugs and alcolhol...how cool is that?? But i know thats my critic beating me up


I really can't think of any reason why she shouldn't share her story,,,the effects my disease has had on her.


Thankyou Gammy, your reply means alot to me. Hugs



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ellen


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thanks for the share.  I always need these reminders and to get back to basics...you never know who it is that hides away such pain, I tend to think that it could be anyone at anytime.   so i try to remember that.  Have had a few friends in my teenage years who tried to end it usually when intoxicated and we never saw it coming.  If only this culture would accept weaknesses as a part of life there wouldn't be so much pain.  just asking for help is made to look so shameful.  I mean it is not like these things on this planet took only one person to build.  I guess contractors are weak...just to me such unnecessary things that just bug me. 

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crambo


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wantneeda,


I am the mother of five, and your story really touched my heart. My kids and my sister are being really supportive of me going to AA,and it seems to be really good for the whole family,so far. I didnt realize how much my selfish behaviour was alienating my family. I spent last weekend at home,hanging out with the kids;we had a great time,and I really"saw" them again. I didn't want to be out there, getting drunk with my friends.I hadn't realized what an important role I had as the mother and emotional center of the household.I am their rock.I am starting to get that,now. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom who is honest and unafraid to face her demons,that is a lot more than most parents do,drinking or not.I can relate to your story of your daughter's friend. My 16 year old daughter has a friend from kindergarten who has been pretty much abandoned by her mother since she was young, she has lived with us,briefly,off and on,throughout the years. She has her own apartment now, and is unable to handle independent living.My daughter came to me to tell me that her friend was doing coke, and we had to intervene.My daughter is very against drugs and drinking,probably as a result of seeing what an ass I was when I drank.The odd thing is, our kids sometimes learn more when we set a bad example, than when we set a good one!What's with that,eh?


The universe works in mysterious ways.... Have a great mother's day, and an even better 24!


-Jill



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wantneeda


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Thank you for your replys, they mean more than you know...i'm just so grateful that i['m not trudging this road alone


Our little friend is up and walking around!!! the power fo prayer,,,i so believe in it!


He has some short term memory loss,,doesn't know why he's in the hospital...but he is alive and awake for that i'm grateful.


Been some mix ups with my daughters class and she is doing her share today...God bless and thankyou from the top, sides and bottom of my heart.   \\//peace and luv



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