I'm still here, trying to figure out why. I've tried this "sober thing" and it was good for a while. Why did all these feelings have to come into play? Everything that someone says to me, everything that happens..I'm left thinking "is this some kind of test??"
I want this all to work out, but I'm NOT on an island. There are real people with with real problems. I have to deal with about 175 people's problems as part of my job...When is there time for MY problems? There has to be a way to balance this, right? I know I'm not the only person to deal with this, whose issues are MORE important, mine or theirs? I "know" if I don't care for myself, I'll be in no position to help others...an easy answer.
I told myself, and others, that I would not post again until I had something positive to say...I can say I enjoyed my time of sobriety very much, however, in my short time, Ive struggled with how to handle the stress. I can't sleep thinking of everything left unfinished from the days work. I can't rest, not knowing that my family is taken care of...I can't do either being drunk, but, sober isn't really much better. Wouldn't drunk be a welcome break?
I know this isn't what I want, or need, but... Why isn't knowing enough? Why do I have to struggle with this?A few beers, a night's sleep and go again in the AM? It would be so easy, yet so hard. I'm having a hard time, my taste of sobriety vs. a taste of alcohol...
As I am new to sobriety myself I don't know if I can help much, but this is what comes to mind when I read your post.
1. There is NOTHING good that comes from alcohol. I have heard and read this so many times over the last few weeks that it is beginning to sink in. Alcohol and being drunk brings no goodness into our lives in any way. A temporary respite from our troubles is not a good thing. Reacting to our problems sanely is a good thing and we cannot do that when we are numbed by a drug. Alcohol brings shame, self loathing, self pity, physical maladies, weariness and so many other terrible results. How can it ever help us in any situation?
2. God is there if you will seek him. He can and will help if he is sought.
3. We live one day at a time. This too will pass.
4. Many, many times the best way to help ourselves is by helping others. I heard it said one time that the most important word in the English language is "others", not "me". I have found that as I reach out to genuinely touch another life with whatever help I can give, that healing I wish to bring to them, also comes to me somehow. Isn't this how we stay sober? By helping others stay sober? Yes! The BB states that this is one of the foundations of AA. Genuinely reaching out to help other alcoholics brings us that same help.
5. Knowing is never enough. We struggle with this because we are alcoholics and different than "normal" people physically and psychologically. Not worse than others, but different.
First off- stop thinking. I'm not trying to be insulting or condescending- for most of this it's a "been there-done that" situation. Look where your thinking has gotten you thus far. Make sense so far?
Okay- I'm going to post this again. I hate being the AA drone. When did I turn into that? ;)
The abridged list:
1) Get to some meetings 2)Get a sponsor. 3) Read the Big Book 4) Get into service.
The longer list with more info:
1) Get to a LOT of meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days minimum, if at all possible.
2) Get a sponsor. Hopefully one with some substantial time, but that isn't 100% necessary- just my personal viewpoint. My sponsor got 22 years the week he took me on as a sponsee. Basically he'd already heard all my bullshit before. (That's a good thing.)
3) Read the Big Book. Don't read anything else- just that. You don't need anything else right now- the rest is elective. Keep it simple. Joe and Charlie CDs are an exception to that (specifically their CDs on the Big Book), and the Big Book on tape or CD (for A.D.D. people this is a HUGE help. The Big Book's type messes with my ADD big time. Too small and bunched together- I went to a larger format and found that way easier on my brain.)
4) Get into service. Make Coffee. Be a greeter. Volunteer to be the literature guy. Show up early and help set up. Stay late and break it down. Make cookies and put them next to the coffee (Okay- I'm being a little self serving here- I like cookies.)
Also: Stay after the meeting and talk to people. This is essential, no matter if it makes you uncomfortable or not. Get phone numbers. Call them. (IMPORTANT: Those last two come as a set- one doesn't do much without the other.)
Other stuff:
Listen a lot. You don't have to share or count days or introduce yourself- but if you do it will work better, faster. Don't take anything personally. If something is bothering you chances are it's probably you- that will go away. Just take it for granted that you're the problem and cut people some slack for a while. People will say things that you find foreign or strange or even hurtful or rude- it all starts to make sense later- right now it's just different.
CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. It seems like it's the end of the world- it's not. It seems way worse when you're right in the midst of all the shit. Stay sober and work the steps 90 days and look back- it will seem way different.
You don't have to agree with everything you are told to do. You don't have to agree with the steps (literally)- but just give them a chance- agree to disagree and just give stuff a try. Your life now is probably not so great that you need to hold out on bettering it.
Don't wait.
Me: I was the guy on the burning building telling the helicopter to come back in twenty minutes because I need to think about it. I had (have) some trust issues. There's a reason for that, and it's something I deal with. But the bottom line is, if I didn't have to take weeks processing everything and getting "okay" with trusting someone before I can follow their advice, I'd be a much happier guy today. Not that I'm not a happy guy- I am pretty alright, actually- but healing comes quicker if you can just trust and "do" and not spend a ton of time anylizing the "why" of it. (Keep the phrase "I'm too smart for my own good" handy. It's useful and relevant.)
Anyhow- it's late. Good luck with that. Aloha- Toby
-- Edited by TLH on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 05:42:06 AM
-- Edited by TLH on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 05:42:43 AM
Oh yeah- "Do". Don't spend so much time deciding to do- just "DO".
I'm a pretty introspective guy- I think too much. It's a fricken burden, let me tell you- get's me into trouble constantly.
Anyhow- I go to my sponsor and I say, "Lou- this thing happened to me and I know why these things happen, and it's totally my fault- I have this little black cloud over my head and I attract this shit like no one ever has! I'm a shit magnet!"
And Lou with 22 years who has heard every line of bullshit imaginable smiles at me and pats me on the shoulder and says, "You mean you 'used to' do that."
I'm a little confused at his response- he's supposed to sympathize and say how terrible it is that I'm basically screwed because of my inherent nature. He's still grinning at me and he says again, "You used to do that." Grins. " See you next week." He gets into his car and rolls down his window, leans out and says, "Hey Toby? Thanks!" and he waves and drives off, and I walk to my car and drive home, letting the idea that I "used to" do that but "don't do that anymore" sink in.
One of those happened a few weeks ago. Things get better. Some of it seems hokey at first, but some of it can be really powerful stuff if you let it. I'm in a weird time in my life- I thought I was all really good but in fact maybe I have a lot of work to do, but knowing that is powerful in and if itself. Anyhow- what you did and said and thought and acted like yesterday was yesterday- you can change. If I can change, anyone can change. No bullshit- my sponsor is THE MOST patient man in the world, because I am a huge pain in the ass. And too smart for my own good.
It's not all about alcoholism. A lot of it is about us. Good night. Aloha- Toby
-- Edited by TLH on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 05:57:45 AM
WOW, is all I can say to the two people that responded to you today.
I pretty much think that that combination of thoughts and incredible AA WISDOM could not be improved upon, so I will just let those two or rather three all together reponses stand alone today.
TooTaaToo, how very inspirational and right on, bullseye to any new person, and THL whose been around these rooms, for a long time. I was just blown away by both of your wise words this morning.
Good to see you here today Mark, and that alone is a great sign.
For me this Morning, Mark, I am going to cut and paste this tread, and keep it for reading, any time I begin working with a new person.
You have been missed, and just one little thought out of me this morning, Ask GOD to help you first GET to some good meetings, Just ask, and see what happens, and secondly Just Ask God to help you start "thinking With Only your Heart, and shut down your Thinking, and see what happens. When my analytical mind starts to get me, I always ask for that help from HIM, and somehow, I just begin "thinking" or rather feeling from my heart, out of my thinking head. It really does work Mark, for a lot of us.
Lots of Love is being sent to you, and a Gigantic Hug.
Mark, you need to not listen to that 3 ring circus in your head. Listen, like I said in other posts, I have 2 friggin masters degrees in psychology. Intellectually, I am plenty smart, but I have ALWAYS thought myself into self-destructive, poor me, negative thinking (not to mention some of the sick things I've actually done). When it comes to my alcoholism, I'm pretty friggin slow. Something sort of clicked for me at around 3 months sobriety which was most of the things I was going to figure out...I would "come" to understand. There was nothing and never really has been anything about me that I just figured out by sitting around debating about it in my head. Honestly, which side of your current debate is going to win? Not go to meetings and be sober and miserable thinking too much versus get drunk and continue having the same problems? Both sides suck. It seems counterintuitive, but at this point just having smart feet is the best answer. Smart feet means feet that take you to meetings, AA functions, away from places like the liquor store and towards people that trigger you to drink. That is ALL you need to do. Stop trying to figure out everything cuz the picture will remain very clouded until you just start doing for a while. Look, you already made a promise that you wouldn't post til you had something positive to say? What the hell is that? Do you think any of us expect you to be blowing sunshine when you are in your first few weeks/months of recovery AND with all the other crap going on in your life. NO... We want to hear how you are doing whether its good, crappy, or indifferent. It can be nothing but negative posts here for months if that's what it takes to stay sober. Things aren't going to seem peachy in a day. Don't EVER shut yourself off to getting help or feel you have to PRETEND you aren't sick. You have this disease of alcoholism just like everyone else, so all of us are going to see through that bullcrap anyhow. Just write how you feel, don't be scared. You can write your thoughts of course, but don't believe your thoughts are solid truth and that they won't change from moment to moment....early sobriety is scary thoughts and feelings shift up and down like crazy. Just know that, accept it as best you can, and don't drink. Also, keep coming back Mark...no matter what. You might encounter frustration from others on here and at meetings, that is out of caring and because we sense you resisting change and not listening to suggestions. It's like watching someone hit themselves with a hammer over and over again and not trying to stop them. At some point, people will just scream "STOP DOING THAT! WHY DONT YOU LISTEN?" So it's not that you need to stop posting/talking...but you need to listen and take some suggestions too.
Mark
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
" Why did all these feelings have to come into play? "
When we stop medicating our stress and feelings, we are left with seemingly unmanageable situations. That's why we need to go to meetings to hear how other people are learning to deal with "life on life's terms" without mood altering. This is an awesome topic for you to bring up at a good AA meeting, when the leader asks "does anyone have a topic or having trouble staying sober today" that's your cue .
"I want this all to work out, but I'm NOT on an island. There are real people with with real problems. I have to deal with about 175 people's problems as part of my job...When is there time for MY problems?"
When I was newly sober, and going through a divorce, I was a general carpenter foreman with about 75 men that I was supervising on a $150 million building. I came to the realization that I wasn't handling the stress of my divorce, went to my boss and told them that I needed to just be a carpenter for a few months, till I got through my divorce. They sent me to another job that was just starting and it was just me and two other guys, no pay cut and way easier. You always have to put YOU first.
"Ive struggled with how to handle the stress. I can't sleep thinking of everything left unfinished from the days work. I can't rest, not knowing that my family is taken care of...I can't do either being drunk, but, sober isn't really much better. Wouldn't drunk be a welcome break? "
You need to learn how to naturally relive your stress. We talk about that in meetings, another good topic to bring up. You can only get so much work done in a day. You give it your best shot and lay your head on the pillow knowing that you gave it all that you had, and rest up to fight the good fight the next day. . Got to learn to let it go. We think that we're always being judged and that it's never good enough. It genetically encoded in our DNA as alcoholics, we're wired that way. Just take that energy (your driven-ness) and apply it to your AA program.
"I know this isn't what I want, or need, but... Why isn't knowing enough? Why do I have to struggle with this?A few beers, a night's sleep and go again in the AM? It would be so easy, yet so hard. I'm having a hard time, my taste of sobriety vs. a taste of alcohol..."
Because we Can't think our way to better feelings, we have to Act our way to better thinking and the feelings will change. This is a program of Action, not awareness. Why can't you ask sober people how they manage to get through the day without having to pour themselves into a bottle and pickle their brain, and try what's working for them. Somehow people are doing it and they're happy about it. It says all over the literature "if you want what we have than you need to follow certain steps..." How's your 4th step coming?
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 04:05:40 PM
Aloha Mark...sound like your disease is speaking up..."I don't like this not drinking stuff...when are we going to have the next one?" Only one of the results for me was very similar to what you're going thru now, talking myself out of going on and going further in recovery. "This thing doesn't work!!" is how I use to scream it and then I'd look around at all the sober people around me and eventually change my perspective on my problem. "I'm having difficulty in the program, am too impatient, haven't done as much as it was suggested to do and blatantly won't do some it!!" "I am earning what it is that I am doing." The solution was to continue with the suggestions that I was hearing rather than thinking that somehow or someway I was different and the program had to come to me differently or I was going to have to learn how to drink without all the problems that come from it. I was in program just long enough to know that both of those thoughts were a part of my insanity.
Being "Humble" is being teachable. Following thru was being trusting and hopeful. Compared to how long you have used and how long you have been here; you are a newbie still.
St. Pete asks "How are you doing on your 4th step"? That's a caring question and a very supportive position. How are you doing with the program? Consider this suggestion? Re-read your post and then ask yourself this question, How am I doing with steps 1 and 2 and 3? Take that inventory.
You might feel terrible and are coming up with the perspective that drinking would not make things much worse and you might even be able to pass out and get going again in the morning. You might even approach the idea that maybe you made a mistake by coming here and talking with other recovering drunks at all and that you might have it all wrong but then what do you do with the support that has said that "we understand...we've been there and done that too?" Drink again and you return to unmanagablility. Don't drink and hang out with those who have learned how to live life without alcohol for any reason and you get a miracle you haven't experienced yet.
I became convinced that AA was where I should be in order to live on my 16th anniversary in the program. I found a missing piece to the puzzle I am on that day. I'm grateful that I hung on for that long in this program with these people cause had I followed my previous perspective I __________.
Let me give to you a early program suggestion. "Don't think. Don't drink." "Follow the suggestions."
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 03:02:10 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 9th of June 2009 03:04:18 PM
Or put simpler.... Have you ever defragged your computer to organize the hard drive and make the drive work faster and better? That is what your head is trying to do right now. In the past you told your head not to worry about details, the alcohol would do it for you. Now, your brain is trying to work with reality. When you defrag your computer, do you sit there staring at it for a couple hours? Or do you let it do its work while you press on with other tasks? Just let the program work on your problems while you rest, eat right, enjoy the smell of the fresh cut grass, go to meetings, get a sponsor, hang out with your kids, etc, etc. You are doing great and it is great that you share your thoughts so well!! Really, its going to be alright!
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
A lot of good things said, many of us including myself had the same troubles in early soberiety dealing with our emotions.....it's a new thing, you don't have to do it when drinking.
Best thing I can say is 3d step, turn it over to God and let him handle what you can't WOW what a relief when we do this.
It took some time, but I have learned not to "own" the problems of others, they are not mine, yes I can care and try to help but I can't own them.
I try not to own my problems, I give them to God and ask him for the strength to take action to handle and take care of them.
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
.
. Got to learn to let it go. We think that we're always being judged and that it's never good enough. It genetically encoded in our DNA as alcoholics, we're wired that way. Just take that energy (your driven-ness) and apply it to your AA program. 
