Thank you everyone for being here and for the encouragement so far.

I'm writing to formally introduce myself.  I'm here because I accept that I cannot stop drinking on my own, that will power alone would not suffice, I am sick with and sick of the drink. 

I've known for some time that alcohol was a problem for me.  I've tried quitting before, largely on my own.  It did not work. 

I've spent many years working on and developing positive things in my life.  Some have worked out, others continue to elude me. 

I woke up 9 days ago, hungover and really sick.  I was tired.  Tired of the thought that I just suck and can't do it, do anything.  Self pity is useless.

The realization that  alcohol was the fundamental issue hit me like an explosion.  Earlier that week I read some Raymond Carver poems exerpted in an essay by Carver's widow, Tess Gallagher.  The essay highlighted Carver's lifelong struggle with alcoholism.  What struck me most heavily were two poems about the blessing of being free from the sickness of alcohol.  He spent the last ten years of his life sober.  He considered those years "gravy".  His poems spoke to my heart and touched the bitterness I've been harboring inside.  I'd like to include one here, for others that are just waking up.  Although it may not be legal, I think Carver would approve:

Late Fragment

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

After waking up on day one of sobriety, I immediately started reading Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.  This book has been on my nightstand for probably a couple of years.  I related to much of her story of alcoholism.  I thought, what to do, I can't continue lying to myself anymore.  The effort to control and appear together is killing me.  The daily dose of liquor and all was also making me feel sicker and sicker.

So, I accepted the overriding advice which is to get me promptly to meetings.  I love to message for entertainment online, and so searched to connect with other alcoholics via this forum.  Some one out there answered a note elsewhere and pointed me to several online resources, one of which was this site. 

The threads here and personal messages from several of you have helped me maintain hope and stay focused.  I've found a great AA  group that meets once a week in my town.  I want to add more meetings in person, as I'm really uncomfortable around groups of people and confrontation of this anxiety and sobriety are probably key here.  I know I have  other mountains to scale as well.  I look forward to working myself and AA. 

Right now I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.  I hope the brain fog will pass sooner than later.  The day by day approach is really working for me.   I understand I may need a good bit of time to adjust, based on the length of time I've been drinking and the amount I've been consuming daily.  I've had many weak moments but people like you all help me feel like it's worth it.  I just know I have so much to learn and so much to give, to myself, to others, and to the universe and all.  Looking forward to feeling free. 

This is pretty much where I am now.  Nine great days sober.

Thank you for listening/reading,

Angela

PS-If it's wrong to quote a poem here, I could  edit my message.  I think a poem this short is OK under "fair use".

-- Edited by angelov8 on Monday 8th of June 2009 12:31:52 AM