I'm struggling today with the 'next right thing.' I guess that's what it is, anyway.
My dad had part of his left lung removed 2 weeks ago ~ cancer. They also removed 3 lymph nodes, 2 of them came back malignant.
My mother has phoned me 4 times in 2 days to bitch and moan and cry. I've listened I've been supportive and I've been patient, but I'm tired. I told her when she was done being angry at God & trying to bargain with Him, she should pray for acceptance of His will, ~ she hung up on me!
. My dad is a war hero, he flew a Huey in 4 tours of Vietnam, he was a POW and got lots of medals and recognition. I love my father, I am proud of my father, BUT, I refuse to all of a sudden become something/someone I'm not nor have I ever been just because he's terminally ill. I really don't know him at all. He left us when I was quite young, he never visited, he married someone else for a few yrs. He then remarried my mother 23 yrs ago and they moved 900 miles away.
I am not physically able to make trips that far. And even if I were, I don't want to. Is that bad? Does that make me a horrible person? A horrible daughter?
I can't be something I'm not. I just can't. Not anymore. I did that for 25+ yrs in a bottle. AA has taught me to be me, good, bad, indifferent but mostly honest.
Help ???? I feel guilty because I don't feel guilty! Which is so crazy. If I were not sober (and still alive) I would pretend to be and feel all these things that I don't.
I can't explain it very well right now. My thoughts are all over the map and I've been in horrific pain with my DDD the last 2 days and I"m just exhausted.
As always, my sponsor is not available. I haven't spoken to her in almost 3 weeks! She's been on vacation, then out of town w/work. I've left cell phone msgs, she hasn't returned them.......
So, Help......... someone tell me something. Anything. I need to hear something.
-- Edited by Doll on Sunday 7th of June 2009 09:55:58 PM
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
We start out admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and then the list grows longer and longer to include more people, places and things and the need for God becomes stronger along with the need for each other and often times in each other we find God.
My sponsor once told me that if sadness was all I could feel for the moment it to be proper to feel gratitude and celebrate the gift of it all while being drawn to the loss and fear. I hated being human during those days and then with gratitude I found more.
What you gave your Mom was a gift to you at one time. She didn't understand while you did and you hoped it would work for her and it may later. You celebrate the honorable in your father and fear his disease. I can almost see you putting on his shoes and watching them fit. You have been where he is at and you didn't know beyond some fleeting hope if you would survive it and if the survival time you did have was just luck. It was suggested to me that when I was doubtful about the right thing to do for me to take the question to my HP and then as in the instruction beyond using the brains God gave us to think with go to our intuition what use to be a hunch and we would find divine guidance. I remember times like these and I remember the intuition that came with these words, "Abandon your self to God as you understand God, admit your faults to Him and to your fellow..." It seems you are doing this at the moment. Confused and Sad and still practicing your program. Stay with it Doll it's progress.
Fear will never leave us. We will always have the opportunity to practice faith. We will always know we are not alone.
I pray your Mom and your Dad find the serenity in your suggestions.
I'm feeling for you, Jen & I'm feeling strongly that you're doing exactly the right thing for you. If you were meant to haul ass no matter what you'd just go, no question but your heart is guiding you & you know to take care of yourself right now. It's hard to have mixed feelings towards anyone, especially a parent but you've also made your feelings pretty clear here too. My only concern will be for how you might feel when the moment's passed. Will anything come to light that you weren't able to see before? If not, then you can settle in your resolve & bear patience with your Mum & her process which at the moment seems to be in not considering your point of view too closely at all. Maybe that's understandable in her grief but you have to pray & stand firm for what's right for you. We're here with you as ever. Definately don't be alone with your sponsor away. I'm sure you've got great female support around you whenever you need. EVERYTIME I reach out it totally enhances the quality of my life. It's wonderful! Anyway, stay strong, Jen. It is good that you can meet your needs so well. Keep on doing what's good for you. That's your next right thing ;) Love & blessings, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
"...My dad is a war hero, he flew a Huey in 4 tours of Vietnam, he was a POW and got lots of medals and recognition. I love my father, I am proud of my father, BUT, I refuse to all of a sudden become something/someone I'm not nor have I ever been just because he's terminally ill. I really don't know him at all. He left us when I was quite young, he never visited, he married someone else for a few yrs. He then remarried my mother 23 yrs ago and they moved 900 miles away.
I am not physically able to make trips that far."
Sounds like your father has had a lot to deal with. And now he has this disease, post surgery and all going on.
Your mother sounds like she is not doing well with this. She is venting on you.
You have a lot of your own items to deal with.
How to make things work?
Well, you said it to her, but she sounds like she is not anywhere near there. She is angry, scared and well..and you are right, there is a process going on with her and your father. But there are all kinds of support groups for cancer patients and the families. Maybe look up on the web for something local to her and send that out her way. Counselors can have an effective place in a person's life when in crisis. I wouldn't neglect bringing that up at some point, somehow.
Make your own prayer and trust that in God's time, things will become more clear...And hopefully there will be a lifting of the burdens your family is experiencing. ((asking for strength for you now))
Sorry to hear about your dad and hope he makes a full recovery, I can relate to how your feeling right now and felat that way through out my life.
Couple of years ago in my sobriety, 2 years into my sobriety I came in contact with my father and surprise surprise a year later he past away with terminal cancer. He was diagnosed with it in April of 2007 and was planning to come to visit my children and I.
I went through alot of guilt and odd feelings but managed to pull through, strange enough my daughter met him a year prior and my son met his grandfather on his death bed.
I'm thankful that I had that time with him even if it was by phone and well now i have closure knowin my father never stopped lovin me and being in his thoughts as i grew up.
My prayers are with you and you will manage to get through this.
Doll, I know I haven't posted in forever. I'm back. Got a PC up and running. If you rememeber I had my right lung removed in Aug. 2006. I'm feeling pretty good, of course AA has a lot to do with that. You are doing the right thing for you. Good for you, feel those feelings, talk about it, let it out. Just a suggestion, next time you talk to your Mom suggest Dad and her get in a support group, on line or in person, if you haven't already. Then let it go....it will be up to them. Lung cancer is not always a death sentence. Love you and have missed you. Rose
When I get tired, lonely, confused or just pissed off I have to remember to surrender everything to GOD and ask for guidence and be patient. The answers always come.
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The smallest of good deeds is greater than the best of intentions.
Anonymous
Doll: honesty is not always welcomed with open arms...........i think you are doing the right thing as many others have also said.........i think your guilt comes from what society tells us we "should" feel..........don't buy into it.........if your sponsors 'always' unavailable.......maybe it would be good to have a back up one? hang in there........go to as many meetings as you can in whatever format you can and reach out to others.............
