Hey Dods!

Thanks for posting this! I too have some of the same fears as my bottom was very high, but I do know that if I were to continue on course, I would lose everything.

My sincere suggestion is that you do exactly what you are afraid to do. Be very honest with your sponsor and lay these cards on the table.

Remember what the How it works says about people that fail. "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Complete honesty can simply mean not hiding anything. Your sponsor is a trusted companion on this journey and his investment in you deserves nothing less than complete honesty. And tell him that you are afraid to share this with him. That will open the door and he will help you!

This is all coming from someone who is new to the program, but I do know the value of not hiding those things we are afraid to expose.

You do not have to fail. Completely give yourself to this simple program.

Hey Dodds, good job at verbalizing your feelings and communicating them. It always amazes me how well our brains work in early sobriety, with regards to analytical thinking, even if in the wrong direction like comparing out instead of in. Or looking at the glass half empty.  You need to stop thinking so much, your brain is not your friend and your best thinking got you here.  My guess is that if you have so much time to think, you're not staying busy enough with life.  You really need to fill your weekly calander with extracuricular activities.   Summer is here and there are a million things to do every week.  I guaranty if you get out and exercise daily, ridding a bike, jogging, swimming, hiking... for 45 to 90 minutes, "your whole outlook on  life will change".  Continue to improve your eating (nutrition and vitamins), sleeping, exercising and you will feel and think better through action.  We cannot think our way to better feeling, we have to take action. 

Personal experience-  looking back at the first 3 years of sobriety,  I didn't have an abundance of sane thinking during the whole period, but, like the teenager that I was emotionally, I thought my brain was sharp and that I had all figured out.  Looking back, I was lucky that me and my sobriety survived.  It was through daily meetings and discussing my crazy thoughts with my AA friends and sponsors, that I didn't cave to my superior intelligence and analytical abilities (and my disease trying to kill me). 

Just keep walking the path and try harder to enjoy the journey, which is the Daily Gratitude for a sober existence and a repreave from the horrible affects of active alcoholism.  Pick up a regular begginers meeting so that you can work on this stuff.  Many of us (Toni Balony for one) continued to go to a beginners meeting for years.  I did for 3 years.   Dodds you claim to be a high bottom drunk, but I think it's just a case of  a poor short term memory or  a well developed "forgetter" in program speak. Your fears of what will happen if you drink are real, and mixed with a familiar  fear of failure (impending doom) which dissapates over time, the longer that we stay sober.   Your expectations of being able to stay sober 4 months from now don't have anything to do with staying sober Today. You also have expectations about your spiritual progress, probably from comparing to others. I think that you should read the "promises" every day for a month. Which you can do automatically by attending daily meetings .   "They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.  They will always materialize if we work for them."

You're at a crucial point in your sobriety, were you need to keep your eyes on the prize.   What that passage in the book is trying to tell you is that you're not out of the woods yet bambi, and statistically you won't be untill you hit 5 years.  Until then, keep putting daily, monthy, and yearly goals in front of yourself and work for them.  It gets better the longer you stay sober, you just need to buy time.  If you look back at your sobriety, you'll remember days weeks where you felt really good.   What of those feelings?  Are they incorrect?  Why not hang on to them instead of working to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory?  We all have these thoughts and feelings.  Getting sober is learning how to disconnect our feelings from our actions.  We no longer have to do what pops into our head.  My guess that you feel better after talking about this. 


By the way, these are also called the "9th step promises" because they come right after the 9th step in the Big Book.  Maybe it's time for you to get steps 8 and 9 going, so that you can reap more of these for yourself. 

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.



Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 7th of June 2009 07:32:07 AM

This is the second post of yours that I have read saying that you're done with the first 7 steps.

I can't say it any plainer than this:


Get going on your amends!


Thank you.

pinkchip wrote:

---

Does it have a chapter called "To the homosexual"? I could convince myself that the book is not for me and not about me...but it is, simply because I am an alcoholic. If it doesn't make sense now...you can always revert back to "more will be revealed." It's okay not to know some things....as long as you accept alcohol will not, cannot, and and will never be the solution to any of your problems.

---

Thanks, this made me laugh.  I remember talking to my first and greatest sponsor John about my x-wife's (wife at that time) drinking and he said "they don't make a pink version of the Big Book and that she'll just have to use the blue one like everyone else."  He was gay btw and a retired psychologist that worked at the Pentagon for 20 years. 

 

I loved your post, Adam & can identify so much with all those sorts of thoughts that simply want to get me drunk again. I had a 'highbottom' & on the last day of my drinking said 'It could have been worse' & then laughed at the ridiculous notion that it would have to be. I'm glad it wasn't from the stories I've heard around me. I am extreeeeemmley, undeservedly fortunate. There is no good reason why I should get this sooner than those who haven't & died. I am not special just very, very fortunate & I know this because I will always have the capacity to die an alcoholic death if I pick it up again. 

Hi Dods, again,

Well this not only is not a short note, but a double post, I think I need to correct what I previously wrote, and that is I did indeed think exactly what you are are thinking, but that was the beginning of my 10 year Relapse period.

And from my own thinking and obstanace, I had a lot, a loving husband, a beautiful home, 2 cars, and a fabulous life, and my thing was then, well with my horrific childhood, I deserved all of it.

And I could not begin to tell you, it would take several hours to describe to you what that slid into Hell was like, it is the Prgression of this Disease that I experienced, and when I see new young people here, it makes my heart smile all the time. for they might excape that slide into hell. And ultimately being in the Grip of the Disease, where you can only drink, your choices are gone. The Disease is in full control, and I was looking at the end of my life, when I finally surrended to this Program, with a Question to God, Please will you show me a different way..........that led to a committment to AA, like never before, and ONLY through the GRACE of GOD, am I sitting here writing to you today, with almost 19 years of continuous sobriety.

Ok, thats enough out of me today, but had to come back and tell you that that thinking only led to a very incomprehensive and demoralizing state.

And yes, Dean was right, I did attend Newcombers Meetings for about 5 of those years, because I was a Newcomber every time.

Hugs,
Toni

I know for a fact that I cannot drink and there are a lot of medications I cannot take because it will only lead to addiction. It's frustrating at times but I don't want to relapse.

Hi Again Dods,

I took this response out, cause I did not understand the full situation,

Hope you are feeling a littler better today,

Toodles, Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 8th of June 2009 10:38:47 AM