Living with someone that drinks that is Alcoholic....

toni baloney · Senior Member

Living with someone that drinks that is Alcoholic....

MDC · Senior Member

I struggle with this, I'm new to not drinking. My wife may have a glass of wine about every other week, no problem for her. I live in the south, BBQ is a BIG deal. We use Jim Beam in ours, the alcohol cooks out and leaves a great flavor. I have a couple of hundred dollars worth of wine at the house and I HAD a bottle of "JIM" until last saturday...a very bad night. I only drank beer, but I have had a had time with the wine, just the taste of it on her lips made me want more (alcohol) I know "TMI." We had a bad fight last Saturday, the closest thing was the bottle of whiskey. I drank it, took ALL her pain meds, and went out for a few beers.

So, I have been tolerant, but I don't think it's a good idea. the best thing for me would be to get rid of it all together. Just the fact that I would have to go get it, has kept me from drinking at times, during late night arguments. The futher away, the better...for me.

MY question is, getting sober IS a change of lifestyle, but how do you handle the changes you are imposing on others, without a problem?

Mark

-- Edited by MDC on Friday 5th of June 2009 08:30:21 PM

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi There Mark,

Well early recovery to me, mean """0""" Alcohol in and around your house, and using Jim Bean to BBQ, would have to go forever, that is how I see that. That stuff is 80 proof. I know it supposedly cooks off, but why not for the time being use some great BBQ sauces.

And to the Spouse of an Alcoholic in their early times, they need to be considerate of YOU, not the other way around, you have the Disease of Alcoholism, they dont, right.

If alcohol is around a new person trying so hard to get and stay sober, that same alcohol will likely win out.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, they have a Chapter just for the Wives, do you think your wife would be interested. Sounds like she is in a crosswind of sorts, she is seeing another man, right.

That all sounds so very confusing to me. We need people we love to be ON OUR SIDES, right. is she.

Just hope this all get sorted out for you, and sure miss seeing you here, think I can speak for all of us in saying, You are missed here.

love you and wishing you some peace of mind along with some clarity of mind.

Your friend, Toni

MDC · Senior Member

OUCH! Yes, you are correct. I don't know if she is "on my side" or not. I know it sounds confusing to everyone, not that easy being on this side either.

I really don't know if she would be interseted or if she is looking for an excuse out. I've said before, alcohol isn't my only problem, but it is my biggest. I don't know if my relationship issues are caused by my drinking, but I know my drinking is worse because of my relationship issues...I said "I know" I don't. Which came first, the chicken, or the egg??

toni baloney · Senior Member

Mark,

You remind me so much of my problems, a long time ago, in a marriage with a Step son, and struggled just like you with thinking that this relationship was making my not drinking so much harder at time.

But for me, it was a lightbulb moment so to speak, I figured out that no one, no relationship, no job problems, no situations were ever a catalyst to my drinking.
I drank for only one reason, I was an Alcoholic, and that is what Alcoholics, without a Program of Recovery do, they drink.

Also just want to say at times I wonder if that relationship that you are yearning for is with you wife?, or Mark, is that relationship you are longing for, is it for a raltionship with Mark?

Just food for thought. When we drink to excess we lose only one person, our own selves.

As far as someone being on your side, that is something we dont have to wonder about, we can feel it, one way or the other.

Again, we miss you dear,

Toni

Jason J · Veteran Member

I tried and couldn't last more than a few days when my wife and I would swear off alcohol then she started back up. She finally hit bottom and went to treatment, I stopped drinking for the month she was there and several weeks after until we seperated (co-ed facility assisted in issues). I convinced myself I wasn't alcoholic and was right back to drinking on my own. We reconciled several months later after I made some unfortunate choices of my own and I told her I was just going to have a beer now and then (I told her I liked to drink one when BBQing). I was right back to bottles stashed in the garage, trailer tool box, chugging a few on the way home etc. to supplement the "can or two" I drank while BBQing.

She said it was my desicion to drink moderately if I wanted. She said she didn't agree with me not being alcoholic then didn't say any more about it. I was very fortunate, she didn't nag me or say another word about it. I realize now it would have driven me away again or made me stop and be resentfull. I learned enough visiting her in treatment and reading the big book to know I was being untruthfull with myself as well as her. Within two months I told her I wanted to stop for myself and we've been sober since (a little of 9 months). I don't know how much longer she could have gone on like that, I don't think I could have gone that long and hope I never have to be in that situation again because it seems like torture to me. I could see it if your spouse drank a couple times a year at events but not in the house.

I think that ramble addressed the original post, I have to run outside - I've got some steaks on the BBQ and a sober evening with my best friend ahead of me!

Doll · MIP Old Timer

I couldn't live or even be with an active alcoholic, but the occasional cocktail or beer doesn't usually bother me. If it does, I just say so and he gladly pours it out.

Guess I'm blessed yet again.....go figure!

BGG · Senior Member

What a great topic, Toni. I've been on both sides of this one. My significant other relapsed after about a year sober (I was about 4 years sober at the time). He drank and used for a couple of months, then made it back to A.A. and has been sober since (19 years). I stayed sober that entire time until almost 18 years sober, and then relapsed myself. I drank for two years, and he showed the patience of Job. He did not leave, and he did not nag, but very occassionally would suggest that I might want to come back to an A.A. meeting, take a newcomer chip, and that I would feel better if I did (he was right, of course, but it took me a while to swallow my pride). I've been sober again since Sept. 2006 and we remain together and continue to repair and build our relationship (it will be 20 years together in December).

On the other hand, I recently had to "let go" of my niece who is a practicing addict and alcoholic who is in denial. I realized that I was not helping her by enabling her through financial help and trying to drag her to meetings when she didn't want to be there. I had to go to Al-Anon in order to become willing to look at my co-dependency issues in my relationships with other people (which is rooted in my own fears), and to grow to the point where I could tell her "no."  Although I still think about her and care deeply for her, I have peace about my decision and actions.

Like you, I prefer not to have alcohol in my home, but I do not have a hard and fast "rule" about it.  When I entertain non-alcoholic friends or colleagues, I sometimes serve alcohol. My guides in this are my sponsor and pages 100-103 in the Big Book which have me ask myself some questions about going to places where alcohol might be served like "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?" It also discusses the issue of whether or not we should have alcohol in our homes. I note that these pages come in the Chapter for Step 12, so like you, I believe that when we are newer (or have not yet gotten to Step 12) it is always better to err on the side of caution and really limit going to places where there will be significant drinking going on.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

MDC wrote:

OUCH! Yes, you are correct. I don't know if she is "on my side" or not. I know it sounds confusing to everyone, not that easy being on this side either.

I really don't know if she would be interseted or if she is looking for an excuse out. I've said before, alcohol isn't my only problem, but it is my biggest. I don't know if my relationship issues are caused by my drinking, but I know my drinking is worse because of my relationship issues...I said "I know" I don't. Which came first, the chicken, or the egg??

Mark,

I can relate to that. My first sobriety is when my ex started drinking heavily and was never home. Yet... for some reason I still loved her and believed the stories. Once my step-kids told me that she slept in the same bed as so and so. When I confronted her with that her response was "I was on top of the sheets and he was under them."

Not sure what that was suppose to mean but I believed that there was no hanky-panky. A week later she was gone again. This time without the kids. I woke up in the morning to an empty bed and three kids sound asleep. I had to get to work, but I also just couldn't leave the kids home alone. The oldest was 7 at the time. So I started calling all her firends until I finally found her. Told her I had to get to work so she needed to get home now.

To make a long story short... she said she'd be right home. I told her that I was leaving in 10 minutes. Which I did. I had a 10 mile drive to work, about the eighth mile, there was my ex-wife walking home in a mini-skirt and looking every bit like a two-bit -----.

That night, after work, I got drunk, for the first time in over five years. And that night the ex stayed home. She so much wanted the "Drunk Dave" back that she did everything in her power to get me drunk.

As far as partners that drink. Early on it bothered me... now it don't. My in-laws drink, my step-sons and wives drink. Every social event we go to the alcohol flows freely. Does it bother me? No. I'm the one with the problem. I know I can't drink so why stress myself out over it?

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Dave Harm wrote:

MDC wrote:
That night, after work, I got drunk, for the first time in over five years..... She so much wanted the "Drunk Dave" back that she did everything in her power to get me drunk.

Wow. That must be today's topic. I heard very similar at a noon and a 5:30 F2F today. There was a time in my sobriety when I too thought that, I'm glad to say that I now know better ~ No one can get me drunk but me! Thanks for the reminder Dave.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I lived with another alcoholic and had to end the relationship to get sober. I had 4 months "dry" time...He'd been involunarily hospitalized (by me) for swallowing all my psych meds while plastered. I told him when he got home, if he drank, I would leave. He got home and was drinking within a week. I then told myself not drinking was no fun and I drank as a last ditch to save the relationship (amonst other reasons)...how freaking crazy. When I started up again, it was 10 times worse...and I acted out...cheated on him...basically trying to get him to end things by making myself so pitiful...it didn't happen and it wasn't ever going to. After a drunken car crash, I woke up and left him the next day and haven't looked back. Right now, I am still annoyed at times when people are buying beer and wine in front of me at the gas station and grocery store...I haven't been to a bar in this whole 8 months. I opted out of the company Xmas party because the year before everyone got plastered. So...the answer for me at the moment is avoid alcohol at all costs. I am at the point where I just think it's evil...I know it's not logical and the real answer is that it's just evil for me, but that is what it is taking to stay sober right now. Alcohol (and myself) f**ked my whole life up. I hate it.

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

Been there done that and then found out that everytime I was drinking I was
being there and doing that no matter if anyone else is around. LOL Pickled finger
of fate!!

I was alcohol free for 9 years before coming formally into the rooms of AA. During
that time I was living and working the steps, traditions, slogans, principles,
concepts, sponsoring and doing service. I had not been led for the first 9 years
to a formal alcohol assessment. When HP manipulated that even the feedback
from the head nurse at the recovery program I worked at was that "the person
for whom this assessment is about needs to be in inpatient treatment immediately
or the next time they drink they die." Part of the rest is history.

I was born and raised under the sign of ETOH (Ethyl alcohol) my entire family on
both sides were affected and I married first and addict, divorced, soon after a
intense relationship with an alcoholic, separation and then soon after that a
marriage to another alcoholic addict...during this same period of time I drank
when ever it was within reach.

Living with an alcoholic and being one at the same time is what I know about.
Living in hell and helping to stoke the fires of hell is what I know about. I am
also (by HP design) a alcohol and substance abuse (addictions) counselor who
no longer practices professionally.

Alcohol is not a food source. It is not a thirst quencher. It is a powerful mind
and mood altering chemical and historically the most destructive and most widely
used and abused. Alcohol is addictive and when it reaches that stage there is
no part of the addicted persons (alcoholic's) life that isn't affected by alteration.
The alcoholic life is not normal by any accepted measurement.   Alcoholics and
those within their spheres of influence have to accept certain levels and durations
of abnormalcy in order to participate and survive the relationship.   Alcoholism
is not curable...it can only be arrested by total abstinence and very often results
in insanity or death.

From my experience and from the lessons of both programs (AFG and AA) I no
longer drink, serve, purchase or store alcohol in my home. All alcoholics I hang
with are recovering and those who are not are dealt with detachment. We
love the active ones but don't brink the abnormalcy into what is now sober,
peaceful and serene.   We (my spouse and I) nurture a culture of serenity
and sobriety and we treat others as we would be treated.

We don't cook with booze because mostly we're aware that we use to because
everything had to go with alcohol. Even the turkey or chicken or beef or pork
had to have a drink in them. I've never yearn for the "old" recipies.

When I was drinking I had lots of victims laying around and some of them were
alcoholic themselves at the same time I was claiming vicimization myself who
needed support and respect and compassion first...!!   What I needed I got and
it was the program.   Unless I got better I would never understand what else
I was lacking and needed.

Our disease has often been described as "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling".
Try rolling that around a couple hours a day in your head and on your tongue.
Next time you start to say "There but for the grace of God go I..." think about
the miracles that need to come about for you to have that daily reprieve and
your victims also.   Go talk to some of your victims (I have) and ask them to
tell you honestly..."what was it like for you back then."

I know too much today to want to perpetrate this disease any longer. I work
on a daily basis helping others understand what I have been freely given so
that they might not have the experiences of hell that I have.

Living with someone that drinks that is Alcoholic...isn't living.

(((((hugs))))) smile

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Thank you for this topic & the compassionate love you've shared with me & others here these last few days, Toni. Your emails pricked my eyes with tears. I haven't reached out on the board as I've had so many other things to do. I did type up an elongated explanation of my situation & feelings for the Al anon board & probably would have posted it here too but I lost it somehow & left it at that as have had studies to do too. I have had really good support though this & I have been keeping upset to the right size, not making any drama out of it though also responding to the right level also according to my thoughts & emotional state. I have been attentive to my needs, talking & sharing as needed. This post here & your personal concern along with Joni has been deeply holding of me & helped me in my primary purpose. Thank you.

"Our disease has often been described as "Cunning, Powerful and Baffling".
Try rolling that around a couple hours a day in your head and on your tongue.
Next time you start to say "There but for the grace of God go I..." think about
the miracles that need to come about for you to have that daily reprieve and
your victims also. Go talk to some of your victims (I have) and ask them to
tell you honestly..."what was it like for you back then." ~ Jerry

This very thought helped me yesterday. I tussled with many drinking thoughts like 'I wonder if I could get away with having a hammering tonight, getting wild & enjoying a dancing night out once Carl's gone to bed', 'My drinking wasn't like hers, it wasn't that bad', 'I'll enjoy myself, I know I will', 'I'll go & celebrate my friend's birthday with her' yaddayaddayadda it went onto me, floating memories & fantasies of fun, etc.. The best sobering thought that came through was 'Call up your ex & ask him how it was.. '. That stopped me in my thinking tracks. He wouldn't even have to say anything. The resounding silence from the question would be enough & all that shame would come flooding back in.

The other thought I had was 'How would it be if I went to Wrexham & got drunk where I used to live drunk & my other ex saw me like that?' That sobered me up too as he is my biggest yet unmade amend & what a joke it would be if I thought I could make any amend having drunk again. It would be an utter contradiction & indication that 'nothing had changed & I had not changed' I was a spectacle of ridicule back in 2005 & do not want to resemble anything like that again. I have come so far.

I stayed close with a few members & friends throughout the evening & cleaned the downstairs of my home spotless. Carl came & saw me for half hour or so before he went home to bed (he's working 6x12hr days a week right now) He was so loving towards me, as he always is & when I told him about my thoughts. He's so good at his program & manages well to care without worry. He is an Angel to me. How could I even contemplate putting him through what I have experienced in the last two weeks. Cunning, baffling & powerful indeed.

I have learned so much from my experience. I didn't put any conditions on my young friend before she moved in as I try not to regulate anyone's behaviour but my own but I am learning ever so much more about boundaries now & would at least say what I can & can't accept in future. It has all been a learning curve. My friend is in hospital at the moment & hopefully she will get professional, residential care until she can fend for herself. I'm still glad she came to live here as it has at least given her Mum some space who is trying to get sober too.

Nothing in God's world happens by mistake. We are all being loved in our own gentle ways if we're able to listen for it. Stay sober this day, my beautiful fellows. I am, Just for Today, Danielle x

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Dang Jerry, I know I've ready your posts before, but the story is pretty similar in many ways. Thanks. And Danielle, whatever you've been through, the point is you opened your home and your heart to help someone. It does seem like a rough line to tread between wanting to help, being able to help, and actually keeping your own sanity in the process. I guess one thing is to know that when you are helping someone with their alcohol or drug problem, at the is point, you are really relying on your education, life experience, and knowledge. Hence, it's pretty much a professional job and it's easier to keep from getting hurt when you remember that. Danielle the interventionist, counselor...whatever is not going to have a 100 percent success rate. Danielle the person is 100 percent awesome all the time :)