"I've heard many members say that they lost the compulsion once and for all when 
they found the doors of AA.  I'm not one of them.  I'm one of the ones that
have never started up again once I stopped."

Hi Jerry,

Read your Post and have to say, I feel for you today. I was thinking about what your wrote, earlier, and I had some ideas, how about changing the identify that goes with that name, like make a new frame of reference for Sam, like maybe .... Here's lies San Miguel on a Toomstone, In Loving Memory. In loving memory cannot hurt cause he's 6 ft. under.

When I got sober, beer was never my drug of choice, so to speak, I only liked the 80% plus proof. And when I would go into a store that sold that stuff, I began visualizing a Cross and Skull Bone on every bottle, even the wine and beer.
And that has stayed with me. And just like Dave, I had simultaneously left a severely codependent relationship, and that complusion to drink, was partially lifted by just that fact, I think, but will never know. I do know that only on one occasion, when I was in my first two years, when there was the threat of the US going to war, I went to this Draft meeting, where they were saying, "Get your kids of this country, that sturred up so much fear in me as they were 18 and 19 years old, I had a severe compulsion to go buy "just one little bottle" I was in my car when it hit, and I only had to make one little turn left, to end up at the Liquor Store, I started Praying and sweating, and Praying some more, and with God's Help, I made it home without alcohol, but it was a duzzy of a compulsion.

That was the ONLY compulsion I have ever had in my almost, with God's Grace 19 years this September. But you know what Jerry, that scares me too.

And I also, mainly have a very clear memory of my last drunk, can recall that truly incomprehensible demoralization in a heart beat, like right now, I can visualize it, and feel what it felt like when the person Toni was really gone, all that was left was a drunk, that drank from the time I woke up to a complete blackout, woke up and repeated that process.

I think I have read where you have said, and I am with you on this, maybe I do have another drink ot drunk in me, I just don't have another recovery in me, that I feel pretty certain of.

Just one more thing, (I promise, haha) have you ever written a Grief letter to Don Miguel??? I did that in a Recovery home. Saying goodbye to a "friend" that had turned on me, like a rabid animal. and I needed to put that on paper, and for me that helped.

Have to say as I finish this note to you, I don"t like Don Miguel, one little bit, and feel like smacking him in the face for bothering you.

Toodles, Toni, ,.....just kidding about that face!

-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 3rd of June 2009 04:34:11 PM

Thank you for your post, Jerry.  What you described, I have experienced as I've shared on this board before.  Just a month before 18 years sober (three weeks to be exact), I was at my high school reunion and a classmate came to the table with a bottle of red wine and a bottle of white wine.  He asked me, "which would you like?"  I had been asked that same question many, many times over the 18 years, and my response was always, "no, thank you, I'll just have [a diet coke, a water . . .].  This time, out of nowhere, I asked: "What's the entree ?"(for dinner, so that I could "match" the right wine).  Next thing I knew, I was drinking again, and continued to drink for 2 years.  I had had no thought, no obsession, no nothing until that very moment.  Indeed, I had been saying for 18 years:  "My obsession to drink was removed at about 90 days sober."  The lesson from your post and my experience:  The obsession to drink can and will be removed, BUT it also CAN return.  (The Big Book calls it "the peculiar mental twist" or "mental blank spots").  The way we keep the thought of drinking (based on my listening at A.A. meetings over these many years, most of us at least occasionally have a thought no matter how long we've been sober) from turning into an obsession and swallowing us up again is practicing the principles and steps of A.A.  And, you did just that:  You were honest with yourself, and you were honest with all of us by posting.  For me, months before I took that first drink again, I had ceased doing what is required to maintain sobriety a day at a time: no meetings, no sponsor, no steps, no nothing.  I realize now that it was only a matter of time.

But, the good news: I'm back and I'm sober 2 years and 9 months, and I've learned that sobriety is a daily gift, and that I have to daily practice the principles of the program.  I go to meetings, I have a sponsor who I talk to almost daily, I practice the 12 steps, and I've rebuilt my relationship with God.  And, believe me, I'm very, very, very grateful for ALL of my experiences.

You are not at all unique, my own sponsor who in my view has tremendous sobriety, told me about returning home from a wonderful International A.A. convention after many years sober and SUDDENLY she was overwhelmed by the thought of having a beer.  What she did: RAN to a meeting and shared about it, and of course, the thought passed.

Thanks again for sharing.

Love,
BGG

jonijoni1 wrote:

---

I am having a hard time understanding what each person means by "compulsion". I have fleetings thoughts every once in awhile, but they do not create an emotional response at all. They are so fleeting that I don't really even see a clear visual of myself, drink in hand. I think my mind (or maybe my HEART) jumps right in the middle of that fleeting thought and says, "Yah RIGHT!!!! NOT!!!! Onward you go... shooooh!!!"

Is this what some think is a compulsion?

---

When I speak of "obsession" or "compulsion", I'm not speaking of the fleeting thought that quickly disappears or is replaced by the thought of the destruction that a drink would cause and then goes away as suddenly as it came.  I'm speaking of the thought of a drink that does not go away quickly and is not replaced by "playing the tape all the way through."  In my first 18 years sober, after about 90 days sober, I had only two instances that I can recall of an "obsession" or "compulsion."  In the first instance, that came at around 16 years sober, the thought came with a physical reaction, I started to get really nervous and scared.  I left the environment where I was (where celebratory drinking was going on), prayed for God to remove the obsession, and went to a meeting, and the thought left while I was at the meeting.  I believe that at that time I had enough of a conscious contact with God to at least remember to pray and then to get my rear-end to a meeting.  But, soon after that experience, I began "resting on my laurels" again, skipping going to meetings, not praying daily, etc., etc.  Then, a couple of years later, I had the sudden thought at my high school reunion. I do not recall any physical reaction that time, just the thought, with no other sane thoughts to follow (like leaving to go to a meeting, praying, or "thinking the drink through."). 

From my experience, a "fleeting" thought is not a big deal, although I do think it is important also to share about those "fleeting thoughts" with a sponsor or another A.A. member (if for no other reason than to get a reality check on whether the "fleeting" thoughts might be associated with some real issue that needs to be addressed).  But a conscious thought to have a drink that is not quickly followed by some sane thinking and action is very dangerous.  And, my real point is that I can live "obsession" or "compulsion" free for years (in fact, I believe this is guaranteed when I am in fit spiritual condition through God and the 12 Steps), but then, if I "rest on my laurels" and don't continue to do each day what is required for spiritual maintenance, eventually the obsession can and will return.  I may "escape" once or twice like I did at 16 years, but, if I don't get into action and resume doing what is suggested in the A.A. program, there may come a time when the thought comes, and I cannot recall with sufficient force where a drink will take me.  I believe that this possibility increases, not decreases, the longer we stay sober (because the "butt-whooping" is farther and farther in the distant past).  That's why I believe the oldtimers in A.A. talk so much about the importance of meetings.  We all need to be reminded by contact with those who are newer to A.A. where drinking will take us.  And, we get those reminders in each A.A. meeting we attend. 

By the same token, when I am doing the things daily that are suggested in A.A., I have real confidence that I can and will stay sober.  So, today, I have the confidence that I will stay sober TODAY (only 5 more hours for me).  And, tomorrow, I pray to wake up and do the same suggested actions, and if I do, I believe that I will stay sober tomorrow as well.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experience, strength and hope.  MIP is a true blessing in my recovery.

Love,
BGG