I posted this a couple years ago. And there is also a couple articles that I and others posted about anger if use the search function, you'll find pages.


Dealing with ANGER


Dealing with Anger

"The most heated bit of letter-writing can be a wonderful safety valve," AA confounder Bill W. said, "providing the wastebasket is somewhere nearby."

This is a delightful bit of advice about the right way to handle anger. Writing an angry letter is at least a way of bringing our feelings out so that we can see them. This is far healthier than the peculiar method of "stuffing" one's feelings and pretending that there was no hurt or offense.

But an angry letter, once mailed, can be more destructive than a bullet. We may live to regret ever having mailed it. It could have unintended consequences of the worst kind.

That's why the wastebasket becomes the second handy way to deal with our anger. We throw the letter away and let time and wisdom heal the matter. What usually happens under the guidance of our Higher Power is that we find a much more satisfactory way of settling whatever has happened.

If I become angry today, I'll admit it to myself. Perhaps I'll even put my feelings on paper. But I'll have the good sense not to go further with such outbursts.

******from the book "walk in dry places"


great topic. I did use letters to address some serious resentments in early recovery and it was very effective, but later noticed a pattern, that usually when I was having trouble with one person, I was having trouble with several. My first sponsor used to pound me with the "spiritual axiom" every time I tried to tell him about "what so and so did..."

" "Anger that we feel justified in holding on to because of the circumstances. According to the Big Book, there is no justification for remaining angry about anything. Often we 'justify' the anger so we don't have to look at ourselves and our own part in creating it. The Twelve and Twelve reminds us, 'It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule' What about 'justifiable' anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad' Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of AA, these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Anger, though inevitable on occasion, should be felt and then released as soon as possible lest it turn into a resentment. When someone offends, we should say to ourselves 'this is a sick person, too. How can I be helpful?' "

So I set about trying to avoid anger (not deny the feeling) by several methods, and these have served me well. My serenity is very valuable to me and I guard it carefully. Also being a 40 something yo man, Anger
will shorten my life.

1.) I avoid dysfunctional people, honestly the red flags are everywhere if you look for them. Just run away
from them, even if they are family run away for a minute, or an hour. Avoid negative people, and don't
let them call you and dump on you. I noticed that after I let people do that, I get angry.

2.) I try to interpret what people are saying in the best possible light (turn off the victim filter that tries to
make something out of nothing)

3.) Give people the "benefit of the doubt" (see #2) most things are said or done through omission rather than
commission, or self centered-ness. People aren't staying up at night trying to figure out how to piss me
off, they're just self centered, insensitive, or raised with no manners. I just say to myself "pitty they were
born that way or raised that way they can't seem to help themselves" and I don't waste negative energy
on them.

4.) I end conversations or communication way before they get out of hand. It's very clear when a
conversation is escalating to an emotional level. In person the body language appears with the rolling of
the eyes and head shaking. At that point don't re-iterate just say "let's agree to disagree" and end it.

5.) I cut people off in mid-sentence when they are about to make a stinging derogatory remark. It's very
tempting to want to hear what someone, who is being negative, has to say about you. I think it's
because of our self-centered-ness and false pride. But don't let that person spell out those negative
remarks about you. That stuff will eat you up for days. We don't need negative validation, we got enough
of that stuff from our parents and that's probably why we are attracted to it. So when you hear those
verbal cues like "well you're just a..." or "you know what?..." just interupt them mid-sentence and say
"this conversation is over" or "It's not a good time to talk about this" or "tell it to someone who cares".

6.) What other people think about you is none of your business, unless it's positive and they care to share
it with you. Don't look for gossip about yourself. Their opinion is simply that.

7.) Don't take constructive criticism to heart. If someone is trying to give you advise they obviously care
about you or they wouldn't go to the trouble to think about you or approach you.

8.) Don't mistake humor for a personal attack. This is a tough one because everyone is so sarcastic these
days (worst offender is myself). I just blow it off and recognize the persons attempt to be funny and
Usually just throw a one liner back at 'em. If it's a little too off color, I just say "that wasn't nice or funny"
and usually the person will concede.

9.) "Pick your battles". Don't go around bumping heads with everyone over everything. Dale Carneigie
said "yield on matters that are of little concern to you". Most of the stuff people bicker about is
not important. Don't bring up issues on "general principal", let it go for the benefit of your serenity.

10.) Own your feelings! Nobody can piss you off but You. It's our reaction to other people or things that
disturbs us. We can choose to Let it go. "I'm going to pretend that I didn't see that". I am not an
Alarm that goes off every time I see something that is wrong. This is not stuffing feelings, it's preventing
them. Remember "feelings are not facts" they are reactionary emotions. If you choose not to react
then you can choose not to have those negative feelings.

Aloha Cash and welcome with that great post!! 

I can't get long on the subject because today after all the ESH and guidance
from sponsors, others in program and the program itself...I handle anger with
acceptance.  Some of the reasons are posted here and most of my anger is
because someone or something isn't going the way I want it.  Resentment is
handled with forgiveness...unconditional and quick.  Some of the reasons are
also posted here by others and resentment is also about my pride and ego.

I don't believe that I mentioned it too many times that I hated feeling anger
and resentment.   There are heavy and spirit killing emotions and I had had
enough!!  My sponsor told me that If I didn't like what I was getting from
holding resentments and exercising anger...why not do the opposite and earn
the opposite.   The opposite of anger (for me) is acceptance.  It turns anger
off immediately and I hold on to joy and serenity.   The opposite of resentment
(for me) is forgiveness and I get to unburden my shoulders with the weight of
people I make important because they outpowered me.  I also let go of the
a multiple of events I never had any control over in the first place, before
during or after.   When I forgive I also let go of fear of being without some one
to blame for my lack of responsibility for my own condition.

That's kinda the short of it.   Congradulations on the time and work and keep
coming back (((((hugs)))))

Nice posts guys, but I think I'm dealing with something bigger than that...

I think it's existential... I turned 30 this year, I really hate where my life is, what I've done with it.  I hate everything about myself.  I live this ultra-organized bleepin life, I work as financial clerk in this office mostly with women, I'm a parsnickity, reserved pent-up anal-retentive person, when that was not what I intended for myself at all, I'm living in a prison of my own making, I feel powerless to get a new job or change my life or even try to be recieved by others in a different way, I'm depressed, nobody in AA can help, my sponsor wants me to pray to get rid of my anger which obviously doesn't work, I have terribly social anxiety, my f~~~~~~~~ landlady lives downstairs and I have to see her all the time even though I feel and act like a nervous 5 year old around her, she knows that I'm a mess, I don't care what my sponsor says about "we alcoholics think the worst, I KNOW the worst, I KNOW what I know and f=== you if you want to take that away from me", I haven't gotten laid in years, there's absolutely no f~~~~~ hope of a relationship because I'm so screwed up an individual who can't be trusted to stay sober while dating, I'm a screw up, my promise of my early 20s and my university education has petered out into a nothing, people shit on me, people don't raise me up, I can't be assertive to save my life, I'd buy a gun and end it but I'm too much of a coward, I'd pull a gun on someone else but I'm too much of a pacifist, every possible thing I have to write don't do s===, "write out your feelings" don't do shit, I want to destroy the walls of my apartment but then I'll have to f===== ANSWER to my landlady about it, how can I get some release, there is NO WAY, sobriety means NO WAY to get a RELEASE, I turned into a parsnickity bookish a-hole who doesn't even like reading, I transformed myself into this monster because I was running from my past, I'm totally insane, something has really gotta change I'm going f~~~~~~ crazy.

Nothing works.  All I have is this f===== little computer so I can clatter out all this stuff, and not a person in the world to tell my troubles to, as if I wouldn't want to go to the bar and find somebody to talk to!  NOBODY understands, except maybe other drunkards in their cups.  And the doctors, they just want to f======= medicate me!  And how can I argue with them... just avoid them so they can't forcefeed me the drugs!!! They are f=====.

I hate it, I hate everything, there is no hope.  If I go to my homegroup I'm too depressed to be received well there... homegroup is full of a bunch of stupid alpha-male type drunkards the kind of which I never felt comfortable around anyway.  What is my fate?  I have to join them??  Is that my salvation?

I gotta go to work tomorrow, go to bed early, nice little frigging organized life, and nothing can change, nothing can change in an of myself, my money's running out and I'm powerless to get a new job, that even pays me a living wage, I'm powerless to make any changes in my life.  I gave my life to God when I got sober, he is providing but only as long as my money holds, he is making me crazy in the meantime, he's not giving me what I want, he's not putting me in touch with my power, he's trapping me, he's not letting me be a man... and nobody in AA can pull me out of that, they just say "do the Steps", my problem is not alcoholism at all it's not being able to DO STUFF.

GOD DOES F=all... there is no god to pick me up, to provide me a good job, if I do all that is asked of me he doesn't make it better, in fact at this rate he's just making me go postal, I'm like a voice screaming alone in the wilderness, and not a one can understand and make it better or direct me in what to do... my father wasn't there, nobody was there to guide and direct me, I just had to figure all this out??  Why the hell did I ever think that sobriety would make it better, some family hero I turned out to be, family dud more like it, still without a roadmap and going insane, unable to bring people into my life to share my troubles with.  And now what I'm made of my life is a sham, nothing, an absolute nothing that is worse than hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGh!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGH!

Thank you Dean, and all who gave support.

It's good to know it's normal... about wanting to jump out of your skin.  And that it's the disease in operation... well I will process that and come back to read your posts again over the next few days.  Will post again.

Cash

PS.  Yeah, I meant Step 5 all right, I had written so much for Step 4 that it's taking several sessions to get through the 5.