finding a sponser

MDC · Senior Member

finding a sponser

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Whoh! Run like the wind from that guy! You are right. No Booze! No bars! I can not imagine that guy is even acknowleged as a sponsor. I would tell the guy flat out that it is not working out and at the next local meeting, ask who is available to sponsor you. There should be no hard feelings at all about someone as important as your sponsor.

-- Edited by turninggrey on Friday 29th of May 2009 08:30:59 PM

MDC · Senior Member

I know I don't need this person in my life. I don't even want to be in the same meeting with him. The way he talks isn't the way he acts. I went to a meeting in a different town just to avoid dealing with him.

Dave Harm · Senior Member

When I sobered up I went to many meetings, in many different towns, until I finally found a comfortable group to be with.

Then I became friends with a number of the members. Then from there I found someone whose program I respected a lot.

I didn't have a sponsor for the first 5-6 months of my sobriety. I wanted somebody whom I respected and whom I could trust. In theory, that person will be with you for a very long time, so I wanted someone I could "live with."

While I wanted (and needed) a sponsor, I also wanted to make a healthy choice for me, which did take a little time...

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

That's someone with zero days of sobriety WTF? Not to mention "the only requirement for membership to AA is a desire to STOP drinking." Not control drinking...Not pace drinking...not learn how to drink right. Has this dude ever even read the big book? Chapter 3 More About Alcoholism:

On page 30: We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no alcoholic EVER recovers control.

On page 31: Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing as making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Understanding and accepting this is pretty critical to working a thorough step 1...and as I have heard, that is the only step that you have to do perfectly.

Anyhow, a sponsor who can't even get step 1 down is definitely not for you in my opinion. I wouldn't necessarily run from or avoid him, but I would pray for him and tell him he might want to pick up a white chip.

The best suggestion I could give you Mark is to go to just a few more meetings and wait until you see a person or a couple of people that have what you want. Meaning: They exude qualities that you would like to possess, that you respect, and that you admire. Someone that you can sort of see yourself growing to become like them, but aren't sure how you would do it yet. Then once you decide, it's just my opinion that you should ask them to be your temporary sponsor. That way it's set that the relationship is on a trial basis to start with and you aren't asking them to commit to you forever. The first person I asked said no and I know it was because I was probably more than they could handle at that time. Some people are reluctant to sponsor newcomers because it's disappointing for them and a let down to see people go out. Right now Mark, I would also make it a point that at each meeting you go to, when you hear someone say something that really makes sense to you, tell them you liked what they had to say and learned from it and ask for their phone number. Collecting those phone numbers was hard for me to do (thankfully so many people just gave them away). Once you have the numbers, follow up and call...a sponsor might develop from that too. This is just how it worked for me in my first couple of months. Don't be afraid to just call people. That's what this is all about. A few times I called people and just ranted and shared all kinds of crazy stuff and they actually thanked me for allowing them the chance to get out of their own head by listening to me. Anyhow, happy to hear you went to a meeting...out of town or not. Keep sharing about your journey Mark, it's actually inspiring to see the steps you are taking.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Mark,

the best place to find a good sponsor is at a good meeting. Since it's our intention to work the steps with a sponsor, then a good place to find one that's involved with working the steps could be at 12 step meetings.

I'd look for someone with 10+ years and wouldn't be too concerned right now about picking the perfect one, even getting a "temporary sponsor" for while is better than no sponsor.

Dakota · Senior Member

he's in this just to meet people (women.) He talks about paceing yourself when you drink and knowing when to say when. It may work for him, I don't know. For me, one drink leads to days of drinking. I'm not trying to be hard on him, it may be OK for him. I just feel like he has hurt me and the program...

Well, you sound like you are using excellent logic (you get an A+)! ;)

And I guess there are like a zillion other places to go and NOT meet up with that. And when you see a facsimile of that coming at you, you already know to turn the other way!!

((BRAVO))

cramcj01 · Senior Member

I'm just wondering how quickly you learned this about him?? You know from AA, that he is not a healthy AA sponsor. It makes me sad to think that you may have been taking advice from him, when he really shouldn't be giving any.

I'd punch someone for doing that to me....ok, you got me, I probably wouldn't go that far! biggrin

MDC · Senior Member

I wan doing better staying sober WITHOUT the AA meetings. I guess, part of me still wanted to "be able" to have a dring every now and then. On the outside, he really had things together. With everything else in my life right now, it looked like he had it going on. Good job, "controled" drinking, friends, girls, ..everything. He may not even be an alcoholic, I think he may just be "playing the role, " for his own purposes. And it makes does piss me off, not only towards him, for what he's doing, for me also, for listening to him, and being that stupid.

I've actually got most of what he "appears" to have...A good job, sobriety, (working on it) a few friends, and 2 kids. I'm feeling better abuot things, still taking it 1 day at a time...actually, more like 1 minute at a time.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Were you really having an easier time staying sober without meetings? I think it was easy to stay sober when you had the hope that it was saving the marriage. It has nothing to do with meetings Mark (or any other function of AA). Don't give in to that line of thinking because it could get you drunk. Of course we all would like to become controlled drinkers, but for 99 percent of us, that only works for a short period of time, if at all. I tried switching from vodka to beer and that worked for a bit because I couldn't drink beer fast enough to stumble, pass out, create total havoc...but in the end, I went right back to vodka because a huge bottle of that did what I wanted...sent me to oblivion. I would also plan my drinking schedule to get most messed up on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday so that I would only be really hungover at work 2 days a week instead of 3. How stupid is that? So...experiments with controlled drinking uttlerly failed me and definitely led to worse relapse and greater demoralization which is discussed in the big book as well. Hope you find a better group with a more pure primary purpose....Spiritual progress and the desire to STOP drinking. From all that you have been sharing on here, it seems like that's what you are looking for.

toni baloney · Senior Member

Good Moring Mark,

When I began my first meetings, I became instant friends with a woman that was coming in with the same amount of time, none. And unfortunately for her, she grabbed a woman for a Sponsor that had maybe 6 months, then her new Sponsor asked her to lend her $500.00 to help open her new flower shop. My friend did that, and the new Sponsor opened her Flower Shop, but would not return the money she borrowed. It turned my friend off to the Program, she thought that her new so called sponsor was representative of the whole of the Group. She had a real difficult time going and believing anyone.

So it just reminds me of how careful we have to be, we are so vulnerable and sick when walking in the Rooms of AA. And there are no signs around saying BE CAREFUL, are there.

There is that story of the Recovering Horse Thief, he goes in, stops drinking, but remains a Horse Thief. A sober horse thief.

And the consequences of some of these unsavory characters, is that they have the potential to do grave harm to others. Take my friend as an example, she never went back to AA, no matter what I said, I stayed and she left permanently, I remained friends with her, in spite of her drinking, and was her friend until she died of Alcoholism, she needed to have surgery to correct a ripped artery, but she could not have that surgery, as she had no liver function left. She died bleeding from every orifice in her body. A very grim story, but it began, many year ealier, I believe with her so called Sponsor. For my friend, Recovery only had that one window, or opportunity, and that window simply closed.

Mark, I hope you will use this experience to find someone, just like someone had mentioned, stay and listen, and when you find someone that appears to have what you would like to have, then ask him. My opinion on this, choose someone with at least 10 years of CONTINUEOUS Sobriety,(changed my mind on that). That is like sort of an Insurance policy, that a situation like what you just went through will not repeat.

Glad to hear you are feeling a wee bit better.

Happy Sunday Mark,

-- Edited by toni baloney on Sunday 31st of May 2009 06:14:25 PM

angelov8 · MIP Old Timer

Hello,
It took me five days but I finally found this site(where people message regularly about recovery) and got registered. I was hoping to find a temporary buddy messenger or some sort of online sponser to keep company with me for my first 2-5 weeks of sobriety(I've tried before, but don't think I've ever had more that that since 1990's. However, I feel I am taking this seriously, I cannot do it alone[tried that before], I want my gravy years!.
I am excited to find these posts here and read through the other threads. Harm, Grey, St. Pete, and others, your messages were so helpful and inspiring.
Lo and behold, when I went to work yesterday, someone in the public and I managed to connect about recovery. She went right then and there to get me an updated schedule for meetings in my area. It felt like a syncronicity.
Well, won't be around till tomorrow, but if anyone has advice about a buddy message system, or threads that people check and message daily that might be helpful, I'd be grateful. I've also ordered a few suggested books(Iambookworm), but they won't arrive for a few.
Sincerely,
Lov8

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Angelov! The private message system on this board is good for the kind of fellowship/support that you are talking about. It's cool. I think I will send you a PM now :) Also, it's a good idea that you start your own thread to introduce yourself. Im glad I caught this..cuz the post almost was going off the front page.