Hello-

It was suggested to me by a senior member of this forum that I begin my own thread and tell my story and share my ESH (which after a couple minutes of confusion, I realize is experience, strength, and hope) so here goes.

I'm relatively young to be in AA, 24 years old.  On September 6, 2007 God gave me release from alcohol and I haven't drank (or used drugs) since.  (I'm also a drug addict, but AA is where I found my home.)  I have been able to stay sober through God's grace and me playing my part - sponsorship, the literature, the steps, working with others, and prayer/meditation.

I can't blame my family for my alcoholism because I was raised in a good home by good people.  My mom and dad tried to raise me with a good set of values and beliefs but somewhere along the way something never clicked.  I was always insecure, terrified of not being liked, very afraid, and emotionally sensitive. 

The first time I drank all those things went away and that noise in my head shut off.  I found relief from that stuff for the first time ever.  I was so happy and I remember feeling like I had a new weapon in my arsenal that would make me feel good whenever I needed it to.   And it did for a long time.

I don't really want to type a long, drawn out drunk a log but I'll just say that I soon found myself waking up every day absolutely needing a substance.  I failed out of college, destroyed relationships, pushed my oldest friends out of my life, lost jobs, tortured my family, and came close to death regularly.  I never planned on doing this stuff but it turns out that when I go out just planning to have one or two beers, a lot of the time I never make it home.  Booze takes over after I take a drink.

Then the real scary part - when I wanted to really stop, I could not.  Could not stop, no matter how much will power or how good a reason I had or who was telling me I needed to.  I'd wake up and tell myself "OK Dave, just prove to yourself you can do it for just ONE DAY."  By noontime I'd be wasted.

Lack of control coupled with an inability to quit is what I understand to be alcoholism, and that makes perfect sense to me.

God's grace and my parents got me to treatment and I am truly blessed to have been a guest at a 12-step retreat in New Hampshire where they introduced me to the Big Book of AA and the 12 steps of recovery.  The people who were taking me through the process amazed me.  They were okay with themselves, they were confident, they weren't quite so concerned with others' opinions of them, and they had a certain glow about them that I could not even begin to relate to.

I did not stay sober since then because I made some clear choices to stop moving forward in my recovery but I always knew, even when I was drinking and using, that AA had an answer for me in that Book.

I am blessed to have made it back to AA and I got busy with the 12 steps almost immediately.  I couldn't wait because I was a mess, I had a litany of issues that I needed to face or I was doomed to drink again.  I was desperate (a gift) and took action.

I came to believe in God by seeing people in AA who had the same traits as those people I mentioned above.  They said God allowed them to be like that.  I believed them.

I took my third step and told God he was going to run the show from here on in.  That night I slept very well and the sense of impending doom had gone away.  I felt like I had a real shot at staying sober for good this time.  I know what my life was like without God, and I know what it's like now, with him. 

Step four is where I saw that my problems are of my own making.  I signed up for every bit of suffering I went through in my life and my thinking had been and still can be my worst enemy.  Deep down I am a selfish, scared, and dishonest brat who cares only about me.  That's why I need God today.

Step five brought me a great sense of relief.  I shared with my sponsor my whole life story and didn't hold anything back.  It felt like I floated out of my sponsor's apartment that night.  I didn't feel like such a scumbag anymore and I finally felt like I was a participant in Alcoholics Anonymous.  Prior to this I was really just a visitor.

Steps 6 and 7 are a lifetime job.  When a defect, such as gluttony, causes me enough suffering I do something about it, such as dieting and exercise.  (Just like booze; when I'd had enough pain, I took action!)  I still continue to see that I am sick in ways I never realized before, I'll always be a work in progress.

I made amends to all the people I could find that I had harmed.  It was slightly difficult and uncomfortable but compared to drinking again it was no big deal.

I still keep up with inventory and amends. In fact, my sponsor, a few of his other sponsees and I get together once a week to do this in a group format.  It's a tremendous way to make sure I am accountable and proactive in my recovery.

I try to do an evening review every night.  It's necessary for me, if I want to grow in God's image, to analyze my failings every day and ask for forgiveness.  I don't do this deal anywhere near perfectly but I'm getting better.  A lot of times, it's a simple matter of keeping my mouth shut.

Prayer and meditation are crucial for me.  I can't have a good day without starting it with at least a 10 minute meditation and prayer.  It helps clear the fog and get a good spirit working to take out into the world.

My life is pretty good now.  It's the best I've ever had.  I'm not really depressed anymore, I'm on the dean's list at school, my family loves to have me around, and I have a few good close friends. 

I love working with others, it's what keeps me sober.  It works when nothing else does and I really feel like I have a purpose in life now.  It's the best.

Anyone can practice these principles for an hour a day while they sit in a meeting.  I am really trying to make a conscious effort to be the best son, brother, room mate, student, AA member, and employee that I can.  Sometimes however, I just want to be a bastard and I do it.  Pain always follows and then I behave. 

I still need to grow in a lot of areas.  I still have a dangerous need of others' approval for emotional security, I am inconsiderate, I am afraid of not being liked, and I battle with social anxiety.  But please believe me when I tell you that those are not as glaring as they once were. I ask for God's help with those issues and have made improvement.

Thank you for letting me join your forum, it's nice to be able to include some recovery talk with my other web surfing.  God Bless!

Thank you,
Dave