Hi Pink,

Good Post, and subject. My own experience was this: I was a newcomer to about
100, if not more, Beginners Meetings, and then a good deal of time passed before I was the one that stayed, like you.

My own reason, I was not ready, not ready to surrender, as an example, once I said to myself, (no kidding), look at yourself, you are married to a wonderful man, still have all your looks, a gorgeous home overlooking San Francisco Bay, and here's the one that is so pathetic, I looked so healthy, I had a great suntan. How could I be really a drunk, like everyone is talking about. Well I was, but blinded by what I had.
But I did manage to get several, maybe 25, 30 day chips, and sometimes maybe 10 or so 60 days chips, but that was usually the longest I could go.

Then all that I had eventually was gone, including the most important, my health.
The above took almost 10 years of talking myself out of being an Alcoholic, until there was that moment were I was looking at the end of my health and my life, and finally ready for and begged for God's help to help keep me sober, one day at a time.

So I guess you could say I experienced both sides of that coin. For deep in my heart and soul I did know that I had a problem, and the above might sound arrogant, but it was definitely not arrogance, it was simply ignorance, and I listened to my disease that was telling me these things. That is why, in spite of my own ignorance to what the truth was, I did love the newcombers meetings, and I knew every Friday night that I wanted to be there. I loved going and being there, that is for sure, but think I was a clasic case of someone that had not reached a bottom in this disease, and therefore, incapable of surrendering my ego, that in the end, had to be smashed as outlined in the Big Book.

And only through the Grace of God, did I finally sit in meetings, willing to do whatever it took, just not to pick up that first drink. and with my history, I did not feel I would be able to make it. But by Prayer, and a healthy fear of Relapse, I did whatever was suggested to me. And I did get to 90 days, 6 months, and my 1st birthday was truly a miracle to me. I recall so clearly thinking at my birthday meeting, I DO HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE, HE IS THE ONE THAT IS KEEPING ME SOBER, doing for me what I could not do.

So for as sad as your Post is in many ways, maybe the people that don't come back are just not ready, but someday that will change for all of them.

Just some reflective thoughts on your Post, and again, it is a Great subject.

Thanks
Toni

Adding a PS, I think I finally had what someone calls the Gift of Desperation.
and these years of Relapse, when I surrendered in the Program, seem to carry a tremendous sense of Shame with them, however it somehow turned into a Miracle of never ever forgetting where I came from, can bring that gut wrenching experience back in a heartbeat, I need to always have it right there in recall, so I will never forget what it felt like, when I was crawling into the rooms, I say crawling, cause I was walking, but it sure FELT like I was crawling. And i did just that now with your Post, closed my eyes and recalled the feelings of not humiliation, but rather finally I was humble. Humble to God, Humble to AA, and Humble to the sheer fact of being alive.



-- Edited by toni baloney on Monday 25th of May 2009 06:44:12 PM

I'm so grateful to have built a momentum in my recovery now where I have everything in place for any eventuallity & I know what to do if I feel uncomfortable. I sipped an alcoholic drink by accident a few weeks ago & I'm so glad to have a defence against taking that any further. Even that one sip had a subtle effect on me physically & somewhat mentally, I didn't like it. It wasn't the enjoyment I remembered. The shine has been taken completely out of the experience. It just made me feel fuzzy & tired. I would have to be insane to think that that state could offer me anything useful that I can't get in sobriety.

Last weekend I was pretty strung out after a tough day on my course & I felt that physical craving of actually wanting to drink to relieve the pressure which I knew I was nowhere near doing but I picked up the phone to my sponsor just to wind down & share how I was feeling & how everything was for me. It was a false alarm but I know better than to mess about with my illness. The first 18mths/2yrs where a Huge Achievement for me & I loved counting the days. Well I would wouldn't I with my obsessive nature lol

Now, I'm sailing daily & looking forward to enjoying reaching my 3rd birthday, of course 1Day@aTime. In the meantime, there is nothing more important to me than posting here, reading my literature & staying close with my HP. These are the staples that provide me a platform to experience everything else in my life. Just for Today there is nothing I want more in my life than to keep on growing & staying in with a chance. I Love Sobriety :D Great Topic, Mark. Thanks for your fantastic contribution to MIP, Danielle x