Picked up a yellow chip yesterday... long thirty days.
I wont say all is great, or that my life is all fixed up, or even that Im happier now. Lots of things still really suck right now. I take some comfort in the fact that I now realize that even folks that arent alchoholics have problems. Im beginning, in a small way, to cope with my self pity, see it for just that, and overcome it. Ive realized that trying to figure out why I drank is pointless. It only leads to making excuses for having a disease I have no control over, that leads to not being honest with myself, and that, ultimatly, leads to more self pity. Its so simple to say "Im sick". Im learning that I have options when I face a problem. Sit back and do nothing used to be my only option. The outcome was always the same, never good, and always led to shame blame or guilt. It makes me feel strong when I ask "what are my options? what would the results be with each option?" I have hope now that the results will be positive at least HALF the time. That leads to confidence, and allows me to face the truth, rather than fabricating my own truths. Theres no pink cloud, Im not high on life, and Im sure as hell not whistlin dixie in the shower...
But today I didnt drink. Today was day 31 and Im pushing forward. Im not pushing forward to day sixty, Im pushing forward to day 32. And Im looking forward to what I will discover.
It is nice to see people get past the first hump. Although you found them difficult (30days) you have to remember that it takes time to get used to life sober...after awhile you will get used to these new habits that are good for you. going to meetings, calling your sponsor and logging in here (which is my vice). It is all about surrounding yourself around the people of the program and having that bond and not wanting to trade that for anything.
I know that the more time I get the less that I want to give that up, and I let my pride and ego work for me for a change. But time is just a thing when you live one day at a time it really is. Keep it simple and just try the best you can to do that and it gets easier and easier. Mainly because you aren't adding more to the situation than needs to be there.
Thanks for the update it is nice for me to remember the early days to appreciate where I am. And with gods grace you will understand what I mean...Like when people pick up a white chip (to join the fellowship) And that fear that I had when I did. Just humbling.
God bless and one day at a time, it really does get easier!
