hello i am new to this website. i am early in recovery, 4 1/2 months. working a program, somewhat. Def hitting mtg's and making calls for sure, it works. been around before with my mouth shut and never picking up the phone. anyhow its too late to call anyone now. i just awoke from a nightmare that my mother had plummeted to her death, with a smile and laughter, but tragic. i immediately flew to her like a bird flying down on prey, and new she was gone. next thing i know i'm in the bathroom i grew up in and my brother is on the floor and i am trying to tell him mom is dead and i am crying so hard i'm dry heaving almost, and shaking to where i can't stand. he is unsure of what i am saying. however i awoke in hysterics and cried really hard, harder then any dream in my life, and there have been many. my brother and i use to party together and we have not talked really or hung out in almost two years. he practically raised me, he was like my dad. my mom is very depressed these days, and I went to bed angry at my boyfriend. But it hurts so bad, now that i am realizing what had happened in the past, and who i am, what i have come from, what i have repressed for so long. i find myself crying all the time and having nightmares alot. i'm the youngest of 5, and i'm 35 now, feeling like i am 14 yrs old. sometimes younger. i am just working on the first step, my sponsor feels i should just focus on meetings for my first year....... i can't help but feel i need to take inventory and release. it hurts too much to hold on to...... god bless AA, and this site and all of the people on it.
Hello Diane and welcome to the board. You're going to have some bad dreams and using dreams in early recovery. Mind and body are going through a lot of changes, feelings coming back unmedicated with a lot of fear showing up that's been stuffed through drinking. There are things that you can do to minimize the bad dreams, like not thinking about stressful stuff within the last few hours before bed. Don't eat late either. I turned the tv off for the first 2 years of sobriety because it was mostly bad news and drama. Replaced it with carefully selected positive music. I would get in my easy chair after work each day for an hour with the lights turned out and listen to my stereo while taking a nap letting go of stress. We need to find these natural ways of releasing the stress that we previously used alcohol to do. Drinking and drugs do a great job of removing stress, but in the process it removed Us along with, and it handicaps us by removing our natural ability to remove stress on our own, then it lowers our tolerance to stress so that every little thing seems like it's the end of the world. That's how our disease traps us. Dreams are not meant to be remembered. Otherwise there is a risk of confusing them with reality. When we wake, if we don't try and remember the dreams, they will fade away. Just let go of them
Hi Diane and welcome!! Those dreams can be so real and scary and I find such relief to realize when I wake up it is just a dream!!! You are doing all the right things and by sharing where you are and what is going on will lead to the healing we so crave!! Early sobriety can be challenging but we only need t take it one day at a time! Eventually it really does get easier!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Diane, From my experience the dreams you speak of are normal. I asked the same questions of my sponsor early on. For me it was comforting to know that they were normal.
It sounds to me like your willing to work the steps. Willingness is key to change. The steps were the keys to my change. I couldn't stay sober until I completed the steps. Now I'm grateful I completed the steps not only for sobriety but for the life that I now have. A life not with material things but one with serenity and peace of mind. Part of the whole in my heart is now filled and continues to grow.
I respectfully disagree with waiting a year before working on the steps. I feel we don't have the time to wait. The steps are the program of recovery. I suggest you push to start working them or find a sponsor who'll take you through them.
Welcome to MIP, Diane. Four months is a bare beginning but a wonderful one :) Well Done! :D That sounded like a truly distressing dream & tis a good thing they don't linger too long, isn't it! I have repeated dreams about someone I'd like to make amends with but I'm working on letting it unfold & happen at the right time. My willingness is there but I don't want to make a mess which there seems to be a great potential for. I've got a thorough trust that it will work out at the right time but for the moment I'm handing it over & praying. The fact that this person keeps coming back to me in such dreams means there is a need for resolution there for me but I'm not sure how & when..
About you, having the willingness to work your steps is amazing & will set you in good stead for stable sobriety in the future. I got onto step 4 around 4 or 5 mths sboer & gve it my first attempt with a few lists & talking throughs with my sponsor. It wasn't very fearless or thorough & I had to do another one 18mths later so that I could get a better idea of my list for amends & to be better able & willing to work steps 6 & 7. The program seemed to come to me piecemeal & in many messages but it did continue & I persevered until I now have a full working knowledge of all of them & use them in my life.
It's entirely possible for you to work through them at whatever pace you're willing to go though it does take time, effort & practice to bed them in. You can ask someone to work through the Big Book with you page by page & do as suggested as it goes. I'm a fledgling AAer myself & I love still having so much to learn & to mature by. No one can slow you down on your journey but it is important not to rush & put more pressure than we can handle on ourselves. There are many talks & a lot of literature to help our understanding of the steps & yours will come shining through by your experience.
Attend Step meetings & Big Book Studies & practice geeting honest about yourself. I've found telling my truth sets me free & that's what these steps are for too. If you feel solid with your 1, 2 & 3 you can pray for courage each time you set pen to paper & you can write out your itemised lists for resentment, fear, guilt & sexual conduct getting all of that stuuf out of your memories & your head & down on paper for you to look at in black & white & share with someone else in step 5. It does bring the relief you're looking for & a new knowledge about ourselves & how we get ourselves into trouble. It also brings with it so much understanding, forgiveness & self awareness which again helps us to make new choices & let go of the past.
I commend you for the courage, determination & selfcare you're already showing. This is all so worth it & you will feel better in time with the more steps you're taking. Do whatever it takes you to stay sober, Diane. Your Higher Power is looking after you & knowing what's best for you. It's with you in all your decisions even if you falter. Your past won't own you forever. Life will get easier. I hope you'll keep coming back & sharing how your program is going. Much recovery love, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
i am so grateful for all the response' and i will keep coming back to share. I just got back from a meeting and there were alot of people actually dealing with the death of their parent, my heart went out to them, some went back out over it and immediately came back. however hearing their heartfelt stories and problems at this time helped me to realize that my nightmare could someday be a reality and listening to how they are handling it with the program and all the response they received will guide me when that time comes. knowing there are people all over the world to help me through anything i am feeling is an absolute miracle, it is amazing. it is hard waking up, but i am, and it is hard to feel good, but i am trying........ putting myself in the right places where i can see the successes of AA is where i need to be, and where i will discover the sober and happy me, because I am there!! much love to all of you.
-- Edited by mindtraveler on Tuesday 19th of May 2009 08:50:48 PM
i'm the youngest of 5, and i'm 35 now, feeling like i am 14 yrs old. sometimes younger.