relapse

MDC · Senior Member

relapse

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark, that's verry ituitive of you to recognize you need for chaos. We create so much of it in our lives while we are drinking throuh poor decisions, risk taking, and procrastination that it's a hard thing to change. It appears to us as a abhorance to boredom, but really it's our inablility to deal with peace and serentiy, because we haven't had much practise. Also when we are putting out the fires that we caused we get a big charge out of the adrenline and other internal chemicals that are produced out of fear etc... which is a whole nother topic, and we hold ourselves out as heros when we get some last minute solution and it reinforces our dysfunctional behavior. It's a lot of stuff to change about ourselves and we don't have a clue until we get to steps 4,5,6, and 7.

Mark, what extra efforts are you planning on putting into your sobriety to make it work this time?

Dean

MDC · Senior Member

peace and serentiy?? What's that??

I'm back to the meetings. Trying to go everyday. I'll only miss for the BIG stuff, band concerts, kids balls games ect. Not for work, or just to have "free time." Free time isn't good for me, I know that all too well. Trying to meet people at the meetings, I'm not that outgoing, so it's hard. Getting a sponser here, back to church and putting my sobriety above everything else. If I'm not sober, I'm no good for my family, my work, my God (HP) or myself. Drinking is just a long drawnout, miserable death. Although I have had suicidal thoughts, I know I don't want to be dead. That's all I'll get out of the bottle. We're all dying, but I want to enjoy the time I have. I can't do that being drunk. For me 1 drink leads to 2 and then 6, then 2 days, 3 and so on. It's just not worth the pain and suffering.

In time I may be able to not only learn what peace and serenity is, but be able to enjoy it!

Kind of a hard question for a newbie, Dean. I'll take more advise from people who have been there/here.

Mark

-- Edited by MDC on Wednesday 13th of May 2009 12:05:34 PM

Jane05 · MIP Old Timer

I hated when this was said to me, but it was the truth. "You're right where you are supposed to be". And I believe you are where you are supposed to be. What you have going for you, it sounds like, is that you are willing, and willing to learn. If I become and stay teachable I have a good chance of staying sober.

The very first time I experienced some peace and serenity was the first time I was able to shut my thinking off. It lasted for, maybe half a minute, but it felt so good that I continued to practice shutting it down.

I didn't get this way in a short amount of time, so it's going to take me a while to find my feet. Some days the best I can do are baby Steps and not drink.

Glad you're here!!

Dave Harm · Senior Member

Hey Mark,

My relapse came after five and a half years sobriety and I too believed that if I could handle all the difficult things sober then I should be able to handle a beer or two. It worked for awhile and then it ended up being worse then before.

After I returned to the program my sponsor told me something, "My wife cheated and I stayed sober. I lost my job and I stayed sober. My dog died and I stayed sober. I broke my shoe lace and I got drunk."

His point was that we don't get drunk during the difficult times, but rather we get drunk when we're comfortable and things seem to be flowing easily.

Since I couldn't stay sober after five and a half years, everything I learned and did during that first sobriety, I threw out - except the experience of my relapse. I started fresh and this time I worked the steps, did the 90 in 90 and went to individual and family counseling.

Best wishes,
Dave

toni baloney · Senior Member

Hi Mark,

Really Good Days,
Really Bad Days,
Family Problems,
Family Harmony,
Really Good Weather,
Really Bad Weather,
Any Crisis,
No Crisis, days feel dull,
Feeling really happy,
Feeling really Sad,
Feeling Popular with friends,
Feeling less than with someone,
Job is great,
Fear of Losing Job, (maybe they know I am hungover)
Feeling Very creative,
Not feeling creative at all,
Feeling really scared,

and the Big One, never feeling God wants anything to do with me,
because of who it is, that I have become.

Mark, just tried to make what I now call a laundry list of reasons for drinking a long time ago.

And it was astonishing really to me that one day a giant light went on
and it was this awareness that the ONLY REASON, that I EVER drank, had nothing to do with the reasons, with any of the above, I drank and got Drunk, daily because I had a Disease an extremely serious disease, ALCOHOLISM.

I accepted that I had been very confused, and baffled by this disease, after all
Alcohol had been my very best friend for so many years, and then one day
it just did not feel like a friend.
And I came to this simply conclusion, WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO
BETTER.

And an admission that my own deluded thinking had taken me down that
spiral so far, and if I did not want to die, well that's not really true, but
my attempts at that were miserable failures, so as someone use to say,
did not want to die, but could not figure out how to live.

And I finally surrended to the Program of Alcoholic's, and that I was completely
powerless over Alcohol, and in AA, slowly, very slowly things began to change,
it took a long time, from coming in from the basement, but I was so willing to
do whatever was suggested, and when someone suggested that i do something
that I did not "want" to do, I thought that over, and decided I would do it,
cause it sure beat the heck out of having a Relapse.

I wish you the very best, and so glad to see you, just one little day at a time
and sometimes just one little heartbeat at a time.

A Big Fat Hug to you dear, and so happy to see you today.
Toni

-- Edited by toni baloney on Wednesday 13th of May 2009 04:49:31 PM

cramcj01 · Senior Member

Don't beat yourself up too bad. I think that almost all of us start sobriety, then shortly after, think we are tarzan and can suddenly handle ourselves with alcohol. For some it has to happen a few times I have heard, before it really sinks in. I know that it was part of my sobriety jouney and it is also what helps me stay sober now. Keep chuggin...well, like a train I mean! LoL

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Well Done in getting to meetings everyday, Mark. They serve as such a support & distraction away from time alone & the potential to take another drink before our defences are built. As has been mentioned, Gratitude is a great defence & cultivating that will help your sobriety. It puts us in a good frame of mind with a wish not lose the good things that we may not have lost & appreciation for the gifts that are slowly filtering through.

One thing I noticed in your post, besides a brilliant & continuing willingness to keep on trying, is your saying band concerts on a par with your kids. In my own experience it was important for me to stay away from any situation that might involve a drinking environment until I was on a safer footing. If you can possibly reprioritise as a renewed vigour in your efforts to stay sober I'd say drop this one for a few more months while you're accumulating your sobriety 1Day@aTime.

Every effort you invest in today will be more power to your foundation & protection from a future relapse. Living sober is an entirely new habit & it takes some developing but you can do it with these & other suggestions you gain. Looking out for you, Danielle x

Jerry F · MIP Old Timer

I relate to what Toni responded with and more simply I drank because I could;
because it was there. I drank because I drank and once I started I didn't have
any better reason not to or to stop. I am alcoholic and I keep in mind that an
alcoholic comes with and has a compulsion to drink that never goes away and
can only be arrested by total abstinence.   I know more about unsuccessful
drinking than I do about not drinking. Because of the program of AA and the
Al-Anon Family Groups I have never had to deal with the after drinking affects
since I have stopped. I've had to deal with everything else...just like when I
was drinking only now I do it different...and better.

I hang around relapsers now and have for a while. I do this so that I can be
reminded of the mind set, emotional condition, physical situations and spiritual
condition also. I won't have a reason to drink my next drink other than I just
wanted one and was willing to let what ever followed, follow.

All of that negative crap you mentioned couldn't make you drink. You didn't
have "no" reason. You had "one" reason.   You wanted to worse than you
wanted not to.

So SPD asks the most important question I have ever had to answer during
my time here. Everyday...that question comes up. I've learned to consider it
best just when I wake up in the morning so that I don't find myself scrambling
later on during an "emergency".    I have learned, for me, that my best answer
to that "willingness" question is..."anything; please help me."

In support...(((((hugs))))) smile

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mark,
Sobrietyspell made a good point about priorities. Just saying that it's ok to miss a daily meeting to go to a concert, in your first 90 days (we start from zero when we pick up a drink) sends the wrong message as "our primary purpose is to stay sober". I still have my calender from my first year of sobriety in my desk at home.
It's full of concerts (that I went to with other recovering people) and trips to the beach, interstate motor cycle trips, camping, trips to central america, trips out west to visit friends etc.... and I didn't miss a daily meeting for over 3 years, even in foreign countries or out of town trips! I attended morning, noon, or 5:30pm meetings on days that I had plans for the evening. You had mentioned leaving for work in a large city at 5:30 am and it taking an hour to get there. There are almost certainly 7am meetings in the city, and noon/5:30 meetings. One of the most important parts of doing 90 meetings in 90 days is it reinforces our "Primary purpose" and shows us that we can get to meetings every day and still have a life, if we plan around the meetings. This is the foundation that build our sobriety on.

MDC · Senior Member

"His point was that we don't get drunk during the difficult times, but rather we get drunk when we're comfortable and things seem to be flowing easily." Dave H.

I never really thought about it like that. You're right, atleast I'm that way. I have a job that is challenging, set "stretch goals" and seem to do better under pressure. It does get old though. I think I want to try the peace and serenity for a while, But I have to pay very close attention to my emotions and feelings. I can't allow myself to think things are OK, or I might slip. But if things are NOT ok, how do I have peace and serenity? I'll be sober, but stressed out all the time.

This may seem stupid to all of you, but it's where I am now. Maybe I just think too much, I should just deal with each moment at it happens.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Mark, I am really glad to see you back on here. One of the oldtimers that I am friends with says "The only real mistake you can make in AA is just not to come back!" It will sink in and it will work if you work it. Hence my tagline. I also wanted you to know that you hit on something that has come out of my mouth like 5000 times in my early sobriety. "If there isn't some chaos going on, I will make up some." I can't even begin to tell you how drama addicted I was, and still am to a degree. What I find happening is instead of living in that drama and chaos for days, weeks, months now, the time that I spend there gets shorter and shorter. I work through my self-imposed chaos faster and faster the more I pick up tools in AA for coping and from my therapist also. I would love to say I am this wonderful white chip wonder and it is true that I have only picked up one white chip, but the fact is, relapse is part of our condition that ALL of us are extremely vulnerable to. I had 4 months dry and relapsed hard before AA...So yeah, I do know how it feels. All of us have tried to quit drinking in various ways and failed at times. You are no different. I just recommend going into auto drive and doing that 90/90. If you find a sponsor, they will likely hold you accountable to that. If I tried to give an excuse for missing meetings or even being late in those first few months, my sponsor told me he was not going to cosign my bullshit. I didn't like that, but it made me accountable and I got to those meetings. Anyhow Mark, things are going to get better..once the first 3 steps sink in right for you, you are going to be able to "hand over you will" a lot better concerning all the drama in your life and it won't be so stressful. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Again, so glad you are back and I am rooting for you. Make those meetings! Meeting makers make it. (another useful quote).

MDC · Senior Member

The band concert was my daughter's school band. It was the first time I saw her play...sober. They were pretty good, she's been in for about 2 years. Just wanted to clarify. I wasn't going to AC?DC or anything like that.

Mike B. · MIP Old Timer

Mark,
Good to see you back! Keep coming back. If you keep coming back sooner or later AA will get you.. In the good/positive way.
Your commitment sounds a lot like mine when I first was trying to get sober. My kids were first, wife second, then all the families activities and then my meetings.. Well, needless to say that didn't work out to well. Relapse after relapse, detox's(3) and kicked out of the house(twice). The final time not knowing if I was ever welcomed back.

My new sponsor who I respect dearly and love devised a plan for me. At this point I had no choice and listened to everthing he advised me to do.. even if I didnt want to.
His words:
- Anything I put before my sobriety I will lose. My sobriety became my priority.
- find a home group and get involved. I sweep the floors after our Wed night meeting.
-Regular meeting attendance, preferably at the same meetings. This way I become a part of the meeting.
- Call him on a daily basis. Hard for me at first. Do this so in an emergency I'm not to shy or afraid to call.
- Did the steps as outlined in the big book. Became free of the beast.
- Morning and evening pray with my HP.

Now I try to carry the message to other alcoholics and practice theses principles in all my affairs.

After six months of putting my sobriety first and working the program, I got my life back. My wife asked me to move back in with the family. I'm home with my kids. My sobriety is still my priority and my family supports it. They know my meeting schedule, because its the same as it's been for the past year. I go to my kids ball games, but leave early for a meeting if it happens to be on the same night.

Grateful today for the life AA and you people have given me. Thanks.

kkotz401 · Senior Member

It sounds like you've had a rough time of late. Just try and stay positve. Everything will be ok. Don't turn to the bottle. It will never make anything better.