Hello all.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, involved with AA where I live (Canada) hoping to sort some stuff out... maybe others can relate/ give feedback?

I made a decision for abstinence 2 years, 5 months ago or so.  I really feel this moment was predestined, or that my decision to stop drinking wasn't so much my decision, but more something that happened to me.  "It happened" / "I decided" when I was living and working in Japan as an English teacher.

I've been doing some reading on culture shock lately, and I think what had happened was that it was a matter of survival to put down the drink... and so I did.  At that time I was severely, severely depressed, and alone.  I was in the "rejection" phase of culture shock... I had grown to hate Japan, was doing everything I could to protect myself in that environment, which in my mind, had become hostile.  My only escape/ refuge from that chaotic environment was my own little apartment. 

At the time I quit, my fiance (I was engaged to be married at that time) had left me.  After she left my apartment saying she wanted to break up, I had the very strong sense to put down the booze... also that this was somehow God's hand in my life.  This is a real miracle considering that from age 15 to 28 or so, it was absolutely impossible for me to live without booze (I was a binger).

I finished my contract there, and I suppose I could have come home, though the problem was that I'd have nowhere to go, no job to do, and not enough money saved up.  I was determined to finish my contract... and suddenly I had God's help, which is what I thought.  I went to a few AA meetings in a nearby city (I had been involved with AA in the months preceding my breakup), but when things felt stable enough in my sobriety I figured I would be fine without AA, having my basic routine in place.  My main goal was just to finish my contract and get back to Canada... then things would be "better".  This is a trait of alcoholic thinking, yes, but it's also a trait of people suffering in the "rejection" phase of culture shock.

With some unknown resource (God), and some help from a phone counselor, I made it through that time, sober.  I even started to have fun near the end, or as much fun as could be had.  I was happy knowing the whole thing was temporary.

But then what happened?  Well, I came back to Canada hoping, expecting, implicitly relying on relief, and then came the hell of all hells... chaos, depression, stagnation, not knowing what the hell you're doing.  And not seeing any end in sight, unlike my time in Japan.  I was totally lost; I went right to my parents' house and stayed in my old room for 6 months.

My reading now tells me that reverse culture shock is a big part of things.  Of course I didn't know at the time what the hell was wrong with me.  I didn't think any counselors could help (and didn't want to pay them to find out), and was still trying to manage things my own way, as it were.  I was resisting it but I eventually started hanging around AA, getting some ideas but not wanting to join. 

I eventually had the idea to move to another province, thinking that if I met up with an old buddy, that would perk me up somehow.  I figured the problem was estrangment from males and male culture.  Well, moving in with him and his girlfriend, what happened there was that I did the same thing I did at my parents': just stayed in the bedroom they provided, depressed, barely even speaking to them!

Eventually they booted me out and with the savings I had, and I got a small apartment.  I knew I had to work but couldn't bring myself to look for jobs.  Earlier attempts in my home province led to devastation.  I had no "juice".  I had fears, was depressed, was a total case.

I found a counselor here, paid for mostly by social services, and started going to AA meetings.  Still not joining, but hanging around a lot.  I had nothing to go on other than what I was told at AA, that my malaise was untreated alcoholism... that I was a dry drunk.  I needed some hope and something to believe in... and they said "keep coming back", and so I did.  I continued going to meetings, and was eventually steered toward the Steps.

That was about a year ago now that I started, and maybe 6 months since working with a sponsor.  I'm doing my Step 5 with somebody now, having written a lifetime's worth of resentments.  I am now stalling in my 5, because it's all brought up so much... I think I'm stable, for the most part, but there have been some tough moments, some very strong intuitions telling me to back off a bit.

I've been so desperate for relief... for so long.  From what, I don't know... from things I've done maybe... maybe just from my hyperactive mind.  I've wanted, too, the feeling that my life is on track.  I've had this feeling at times, this feeling of purpose, but I've lost it in the past, or can't maintain it... always seems to be contingent on something else, which is then at risk of slipping through my fingers.  Bringing myself to the Steps, I think, were a solution for that.  I've thought that the solution would need to be religious or spiritual in nature... owing perhaps to my particular religious upbringing which I abandoned as a teen.

And I don't know what all this is about... what am I trying to say?  Well maybe just to get stuff out!  And that it's wierd... my moment of clarity or what have you, when I stopped drinking, had nothing to do with my decision or action.  It was made for me, so to speak.  Maybe the thing with sobriety is that we have to keep affirming this decision again and again.

Thanks for listening,

CM