Have been reading a lot from new people here, and God Bless you for being here, it is said that you are the life-blood of AA, and I believe that.
My topic is my own interrpretation, in looking back at that first year, from a "feeling" point of view, I see it now with so much simalarity to being in I.C.U. I would sit in those meetings and listen, and sometimes raise my hard, and say I was new, and on very very few occasions, would I share, I did not ask for a sponsor, my voice, at best was very shakey, and my entire reason for showing up at a 6:00 p.m. meeting at the same place, 7 nights a week, I had only one thing on my mind, and that if I Prayed everyday, and followed that little 24 hours@day book, that God might help me to get back to the next 6:00 meeting the following day. I was very ill, my liver was going, my eyes were a very bright opaque yellow, and I felt pretty sick for several of those months. I had no desire to make any friends whatsoever, I lived on a strickly 24 hour schedule, of just not picking up a drink, I was really really scared with my history, that I would not make it, but I did go to all the meeting, bringing that fear with me. I don't think I had a conversation with another person for maybe 7 months, and that was a very short conversation. Just like in any ICU ward, no one is there to meet others, they are there to see and maybe Pray that they will make it out of ICU, and live again. So many simalarities, i really don't know if anyone ever experienced that first year like that, and it does not matter, that is how it was for me. ICU is for critically ill people and some with the end stage to many diseases. That was my own description of where I was at, very close to the end stage of a disease as an active drunk for way too many years.
Dont really even know why I wrote this Post, I was thinking back to that painful time, and just wanted to share it.
How sweet and wonderful life can feel, when we go back to the painful stuff in our memory, and realize that with God's mercy, we never have to live like that again.
If you are interested, would love to hear how you experienced that first year, and if you are in your first year, how do you experience the changes you are going through.
God Bless all of us. Toni
-- Edited by toni baloney on Friday 8th of May 2009 11:21:33 AM
For me, it was a little different on the OUTSIDE. Outwardly, after a couple of meetings, I was bouncing and booming into the rooms like a fool. I had a serious problem of STILL wanting to be the life of the party, but oh, was I ever sick inside. Thankfully, the women in AA including my sponsor saw straight through me and into the pain, and they helped me to let it OUT and get me going in a more honest direction. And some of those days thereafter were indeed like being in my own little ward, building up to each new task sober.... behaving sober, working sober, cleaning my house sober, driving sober. It was like a kind of therapy where life was introduced to me very slowly and at first painfully, ever helping me learn all over again how to do things on my own.
Yes, I too do not want to go back to feeling that way. I am so grateful for the God-given peace I have now. And for wonderful sober friends too.
Thanks again for the terrific post.
Joni
__________________
~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
